He was sound asleep, the covers pushed down to his waist.
She smiled at him with that same surge of excitement that had filled her since he’d shown up yesterday evening.
He wanted her, as much as she wanted him. She knew it for sure.
She got out of bed as carefully as she could, since she didn’t want to wake him up. Then she tiptoed to the bathroom, where she peed, brushed her teeth, washed her hands and face, and put on a bathrobe. She looked prettier than she would have expected, as her hair was messy, and she had no makeup on. But her face was filled with an unmistakable glow.
She’d always wanted to find the perfect man for her, to fall in love the way other people seemed to so easily. Part of her had wondered if she ever would.
But maybe now was her time at last.
Maybe this part of her life had finally fallen into order.
She was hugging herself in an attempt to contain so much feeling as she came back into her bedroom. Then she pulled to an abrupt stop and dropped her hands.
Rick was awake. Sitting on the edge of the bed with his hands clasp together like he was squeezing them. His shoulders looked strangely slumped, and he was staring at the hardwood floor of the room.
Her heart dropped. Like a stone into a pool of water. It seemed to thud into her gut.
All her happy mood from just a moment ago vanished in an instant, and she walked slowly, heavily, toward the bed.
Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.
She didn’t know what to say, and Rick didn’t look up as she approached, so she sat down on the edge of the mattress beside him.
He was about to break her heart. She knew it for sure. Like she was trapped on the tracks with a train speeding toward her. Irrevocable. No stopping it. But he looked so much like he was hurting, and she couldn’t bear to leave it unanswered. She reached out to stroke his bare back.
“Oh, fuck, Vivian.” His voice was soft, raspy. Broken.
“It’s okay,” she managed to say. “Just tell me.”
He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He couldn’t seem to lift his eyes from the floor.
“I thought things were good,” she began, trying to piece her way through an emotional tangle she’d hoped had vanished in an instant.
But it hadn’t. It couldn’t.
“It seemed like things were good between us last night,” she went on.
“They were. Last night was... the best night of my life.”
“So what’s the matter then. Why do you look like you’re going to bolt?”
He shook his head. Then did it again. “I’m so sorry. But I told you the truth last night. I’m not sure... I’m still not sure if I can do this.”
“Do this? You mean...” She had to clear her throat to continue. “You mean have a real relationship with me?”
“Yes. Last night, I was able to push all this stuff into a corner of my mind, like it didn’t matter, but it does. It won’t magically go away. I woke up a minute ago, and reality crashed down on me. And now I’m... I’m trapped under the weight of it. I’m... drowning.”
This was exactly what she’d known was going to happen, from the moment she’d seen his posture as she’d returned from the bathroom. They were having this conversation now, but it didn’t feel like it could change anything.
It was a done deal now. Her brief moment of happiness snatched away before it had really started.
“Did I... did I push too hard last night?” she asked, thinking back to events of the night before and all the clues she should have picked up on but didn’t. “You told me you weren’t sure, and I pushed us into it anyway. Did I put too much pressure on you? I’m so sorry if I trapped—”
“No, no. Shit, baby, no way. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything right. Any pressure I feel... it’s all from me. It’s all me.”
She wanted to say something—anything to make this better—but she couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Her eyes burned and her throat burned and her heart felt like a block of ice.
He took a loud, ragged breath. “I’ve always felt like I don’t really live life all the way. I tell stories of people who have adventures and save the world and fall in love and recover from broken hearts and take every sort of risk and genuinely experience life, but it’s never felt real like that to me. I live a kind of half-life. On the sidelines. One that feels safe. One that I can control. I don’t know why. I’ve never had a real trauma that... but I always play it safe.”
She nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying and sympathizing deeply, even as she knew the words spelled the death knell to her dreams. “I get it. I really do. You haven’t been able to fully invest, and you have to invest if you’re going to do a real relationship. So you don’t want to...”
“I do want to.” He looked up then, his expression almost fierce. “I do want to. More than anything. I just don’t know if I... if I can. It doesn’t feel like... me.”
“I’m not sure anyone knows if it’s them until they do it. I’ve never had a serious romantic relationship either. It’s just something you have to jump into, I think.”
“Yeah.”
“But you don’t want to jump?”
He didn’t answer, and that was answer enough.
She waited. To give him time to put into words what he was feeling, but he didn’t say anything.
It was what she’d suspected from the first moment she’d seen him, sitting across the coffee shop with his laptop. She wanted him. Everything about him. But he could never be for her.
“Okay,” she mumbled, willing herself not to cry, although the tears were right on the surface of her eyes. “Okay. I get it. I do. I wish things were different but...” She took a quick breath. “I can’t do this halfway. Not with you. I can’t keep doing... this, playing around at a relationship, if there’s not some sort of commitment. Because I’m all the way in here. I’ve been waiting for this for too long, and it’s getting in the way of me living a full life. I’m not expecting forever from you right now, but I need a commitment. I need to know that this is real. So if you can’t do it, then we can’t do... anything. You need to leave and not come back. I’m sure we can eventually try to be friends, but not yet. It’s not good for me to be hanging on to something that isn’t all of what I want. I need to think about me right now, so there would have to be a clean break.”
She couldn’t believe she’d gotten the words out. Couldn’t believe she meant them.
His face twisted briefly, but then he gave a brief nod. “That makes sense. You need to do what’s best for you.”
He just sat there. So did she. Until she couldn’t stand it anymore. She said, “So maybe you can just leave for now. And don’t come back until you’re sure you want to do this.”
She didn’t mean to sound rude, but she was in survival mode here.
He got up, his expression twisting like it pained him. He pulled on his clothes from the flood and then turned to gaze down at her. “I’m sorry.”
“It is what it is,” she said with a helpless shrug. “But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry too.”