Knowing I can’t stay in bed any longer, I’ll be lucky to get any sleep tonight as it is. Tossing off the covers, I move to the edge of the bed and shoot my sister a text before heading to the shower.
Me: I’m up. Feeling much better. Thank you for the sub.
Raven: You’re welcome. Want to come have drinks with the gang?
Me: Nah. Not feeling that good. Have fun and tell everyone I said hi.
Raven: You want me to come hang with you instead?
Me: No. Go have fun. I’m going to shower, eat, and more than likely go back to bed.
Raven: If you need me.
Me: I love you too, big sister.
She sends back a heart and a smiling emoji. We’re twins, but Raven was born two and a half minutes before I was. Therefore, awarding her the older sister title. She loves to use it, and I knew she would enjoy the sentiment.
Chucking my phone on the bed, I make my way into the en suite bathroom and strip out of my clothes. I gasp when I look into the mirror and see bruises all down my neck and on my breasts. Just seeing them brings back the memory of his mouth on my skin. The smell of the beer on his breath and the way it felt as he pushed inside me.
I blink hard. Once. Twice. Three times to ward off the tears that threaten to fall. I miss him already. How am I supposed to go an entire year without him? How could I let things go as far as they did last night and then sneak out on him like I did? If he does remember what happened, he probably hates me. He doesn’t know my phone was off. I’m sure he thinks I was ignoring him, but that’s not the case. I mean, sure, I didn’t want to talk to him, but now I’m regretting that decision.
The service where he’s going will be spotty at best. Clayton had already warned us we’d have to resort to pen and paper to stay in touch, and even that’s slow as hell.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper into the mirror. I lose my battle with my tears as they race unchecked down my cheeks. Moving toward the shower, I turn on the water and wait for it to warm before stepping under the spray.
I’ll write him a letter. I’ll explain I was scared and that he’s been my dream for so long that I couldn’t stand the thought of rejection. That way, if he tells me it was a mistake like I’m fearful that he will, it will be via snail mail and not face-to-face. That will give us months until he’s home to let the sting of the rejection fade, and I can go back to pretending he doesn’t turn my world upside down every time I lay eyes on him.
This has been the longest week of my life. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I miss Hudson. Knowing he’s no longer here has a cloud following me daily. The other part is that I’ve been avoiding my sister and my friends. So much so that I went shopping in Jessup, the town next to ours, on my own. Raven seemed hurt that I didn’t ask her to go. I made up the excuse that it was last minute and she still had clients at the shop. That part was true, but I could have waited. I just needed to get out of our town. I needed to be able to walk around with tears in my eyes from missing him and from the hurt that my own actions caused. I’m scared to death he’s going to hate me when he gets home.
So I spent the day shopping. I even had to actually buy something so that when Raven asked about my haul, I could show her. It was a small price to pay to be able to disappear into my own head for a few hours. It’s hard as hell acting as if your heart isn’t cracked inside your chest. He’s Raven’s best friend, and Clayton, well, those two need to just get together and call it a day, but he’s gone too. For two years instead of one. I know my sister is hurting just like I am, but she didn’t make my mistake. Then again, maybe she did go home with Clayton. I wasn’t there, and I didn’t want to ask for fear she might suspect something. You know, double-edge sword and all that.
“My last appointment just canceled,” Raven tells me. It’s Saturday afternoon at the shop.
“Want mine?” I give her a cheesy smile.
“Nope. That’s all you,” she says, knowing my last client is Old Man Jones. He’s a huge flirt, but he’s eighty-nine and needs a hip replacement, so he needs help in and out of the chair. He’s a harmless old man. He comes in every two weeks for a trim he doesn’t need. I think he’s just lonely. Hudson, Clayton, and the rest of the guys always say he comes in for the eye candy. Maybe he does, but either way, he’s a sweet, secluded man, and he just so happens to be on my schedule this week.
“You coming out with us tonight?” Raven asks.
There it is. The question I knew was coming but was hoping I could avoid anyway.
“We’re going to The Pour House, having a drink for the guys,” she explains.
“I can’t.” If she only knew the true reason I can’t go. I’m just not ready yet, and if I break down in a ball of tears in my drink, they’re going to know something is up and demand that I tell them. I know myself, and at this stage in the “missing him and regrets” game, I’m too deep not to blurt it all out. I won’t do that to him. He has a choice in whether he wants our friends to know what happened between us. Hell, for all I know, he’s going to act as if nothing happened when he comes back.
“What? Why can’t you? Do you have plans I don’t know about?”
I don’t have to turn to look at her to know that her stare is burning holes into the back of my head. “I have a date.” I blurt the first thing that comes to mind.
“What? With who? I didn’t know you were seeing someone?” Her tone showcases a touch of hurt from me not telling her sooner.
“It’s just a guy I met when I went over to Jessup earlier this week. He was at the food court, and there were no other tables, so I offered for him to sit with me.”
“Tell me more.” My sister is now sitting in her chair, twirling with a smile on her face. “Is he hot? Of course he is if you agreed to go out with him.”
“He’s handsome.”
“Aw, listen to you. He’s handsome,” she says with a grin the size of the entire state of Kentucky on her lips. You really like this guy.”
“I barely know him.”
“Yeah, but that’s the point of dating, right? To get to know one another?”
“That’s the rumor.” I smile at her.
“That’s why you bought that new dress. Nice move, little sister,” she praises.
“Yep.” I fake another smile. The dress was an impulse buy. It’s a deep purple that brings out the green in my eyes. When I tried it on, I couldn’t help but think about Hudson seeing me in it. I bought it thinking maybe I could wear it for him when he comes home. Stupid, I know, but there it is.
“When do I get to meet him?” she asks.
“It’s one date, Raven. Let’s see what happens, and we’ll go from there.”
“Fine, but I’m not drinking tonight. If you need me to come and get you, call me.”
“I’m meeting him there.”
“Well, regardless. Call me if you need me. I’ll be there.”
I swallow back the emotion swelling in my throat. I hate lying to her, and here she is, offering to cancel her nightly plans for me. I’m a terrible person. “I know. Thank you,” I say, finally finding my voice. Thankfully, Old Man Jones walks in for his appointment, and all talks about my pretend date are extinguished. I need to get my shit together. I hate lying to my sister. Not only that but now I have to get dressed up and go to Jessup tonight. I can’t risk her stopping by or someone seeing me not date ready. All I want to do is curl up on my couch with a book. Instead, my stupid choices both last weekend and my lie today have led me to a night of roaming around Jessup, waiting until an appropriate date time to come home. How did I end up here?