By the time I get home, my lie is weighing on me. I should call Raven and confess. The idea of telling her about Hudson and me causes my stomach to knot. So I take a quick shower and take my time to curl my hair and apply a small amount of makeup. I have no timeline, although I need to be out of here at a semi-decent time just in case someone sees me driving through town. I love small-town life. I always have. However, right now, I’m cursing it.
The drive to Jessup is only about thirty minutes. I drive around the town that’s much larger than the one I live in and see the sights. I’m starving, so I pull into the local steakhouse and tell the hostess it’s just me and that I’m happy to eat at the bar. I scroll through social media and even take a picture of the napkin with the restaurant’s name and send it to my sister. I’m only making this worse, but I can’t seem to stop myself. This is the last time. I’ll tell her we didn’t connect and get my shit together. I can’t avoid my real life forever.
I enjoy my parmesan grilled chicken and sweet tea. I linger at the bar much longer than necessary and even find myself eating slower just to kill some time. Cashing out my bill, I leave the sweet bartender a nice big tip for not making me feel like a loser for eating all alone on a Saturday night.
I drive around town some more, just taking some time. I stop at Target and spend too much time and too much money on things that I don’t need before finally deeming it an acceptable time to head home. It wasn’t a bad night. I was able to get lost in my thoughts without the concerned eyes of my sister and our friends. I got some good deals at Target and had a nice dinner.
I needed tonight. I needed the time to just be me and let everything that happened sink in. Yes, I’ve had all week, but the majority of that time was spent at the salon with my twin, who, let me remind you, is more perceptive than her own good. Although, I’m the same way when it comes to her. It’s the twin thing, and to be honest, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my sister and how close we are. She’s all that I have left. A wave of sadness washes over me. I hoped I would have Hudson one day too, but with each passing day, as I think about that night and not answering him the following day, I don’t know how he couldn’t hate me.
I have a year before I find the answer to that question. I’ve decided not to write him about it. Instead, I’m going to let the cards fall where they may when he comes home and then see what road I need to travel. Either we’re the start of something great, or I’ll mourn his loss when he’s living in the same town.
Only time will tell.
CHAPTER 10
Hudson
The days are long with the hot sun beating down on us, but the results are more rewarding than I ever could have imagined. Teaching something that I do on a daily basis is second nature to me. Farming is all I’ve ever known. We’re building homes, too, if you can call them that. They’re what most would call sheds back home.
The nights are even longer. I stare at the ceiling of the small shack that Clayton and I are sharing and think about Riley. We’ve been here for a month, and she’s still all I can think about. There’s a letter lying next to me on the bed that I’ve yet to open. It’s from Raven, postmarked three weeks ago. I got it today, but I wanted to read it alone. So here I am with the light of a small flashlight, tearing open the envelope to read the words from my best friend, hoping like hell there’s an update somewhere in her words about her sister.
Hudson,
One week. That’s how long the two of you have been gone, and I miss you both like crazy. How is Clay? Make sure the two of you are watching out for each other. I hope things are going well for both of you.
All is good here at home. Our group got together tonight, well, all of us but Riley. She had a date with some guy she met in Jessup. Anyway, it wasn’t the same without you and Clay sitting with us at our normal table at The Pour House.
I’m sending a care package with some snacks, but sending this letter on its own. They’re both shipping the same day. I’m curious to see which one reaches you first.
Anyway, I miss you, my friend.
Raven
A date.
Riley.
I read the letter two more times just to make sure I read it correctly. It’s a possibility I got it all wrong with the way my pulse is pounding in my ears. She went on a date. With a man who’s not me.
Fuck!
I want to punch something or, better yet, someone. And Riley, how could she go on a date so soon after our night together? I knew leaving was a risk, but never in my wildest dreams did I think she’d be dating a week later. Hell, it’s been a good year or more since she’s been on a date. Trust me, I know. I watch her. I want to scream and yell and tear this fucking shack apart, but I can’t. Clayton is sleeping, and if I go off on a rage, he’s going to want to know why and then I’ll have to tell him the truth.
The truth is that the woman I love went out on a date with someone else. The truth is, I want her to be mine. The truth is that my chest aches from missing her. Needing to do something to channel the anger, I reach for the journal my mother gave me the day we left. There is one entry so far, and it’s the one I wrote on the plane ride here. I read over it again to call forth those feelings to hopefully cover the rage roaring inside me.
Riley,
Everyone on our flight is asleep except for me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you sprawled out on my bed. I can more than see you, Riles. I can taste you. I can smell you. It’s as if you’re sitting right here next to me on this plane.
I came to your place earlier, but you didn’t answer. Raven said you had a headache. Did you, Riley? Really? Or were you just avoiding me? I wanted you to be the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning. I wanted you to still be wrapped in my arms. When I opened my eyes, I was all alone, and the sheets were cold.
I tried calling you to tell you that very thing, but you didn’t answer. At least I got to hear your voice on your voice mail. It’s not the same, but it’s something to hold me over until I’m home.
It’s been a few hours at best, and I miss you already. I don’t know how I’ll last a year without laying eyes on you, kissing you, or smelling your sweet skin.
Hudson
The words ring true, and when I close my eyes a month later, I can still see her on my bed. If I try hard enough, I can almost feel her next to me. Her voice is still in my head, and I hope all of it remains that way. I have eleven months left. While I don’t regret my decision to come to Guatemala, I do feel as though a piece of me is missing. She wasn’t mine, and I only believed that she possibly could be for a small window of time just before I left, but I still feel the loss of not seeing her every day.
I miss all my friends and family, including her sister, but none of them cause the ache in the center of my chest when I think about them. When I think about Riley, the hollow pit in my chest opens up and threatens to swallow me whole.
Pulling the pen cap off with my teeth, I use the small flashlight and begin to write.
Riley,
It’s been four long weeks without you. I miss you more than I can say, but I’m also angry. So damn angry. Why did you sneak out on me? I would give anything to know what was going through your mind. Surely, you know that I wouldn’t risk you or my friendship with Raven for a hookup. You have to know that you are more to me.