For the next twenty minutes, I fend off challenges.
When I’m done, I head out to the hall for break, stopped by a number of colleagues on the way to compliment my work.
“Daniel.” A senior colleague I didn’t expect to see, one who’s on my tenure committee, grabs my shoulder.
I brace myself to justify why I’m here instead of on campus, but he surprises me by smiling.
“Your new paper is impressive. I’d like you to have dinner with a few of us, if you have time.” He names a restaurant close by.
“Of course. I’ll meet you there.”
I reach for my phone, wanting to call Kat and let her know. She’ll share this excitement with me.
But I glance at the screen to find four missed calls from the time I had my device switched off.
What’s so important she called four times?
First voicemail.
“Daniel, I can’t find Andy.”
My stomach turns to ice.
I stab the “next” button.
“I don’t know what happened. He was at school, and now he’s not, and…I’ll find him, I swear.”
The ice turns to panic.
“We found him. He…had an accident.”
I stab her contact on my phone and pace the hall, students and faculty going out of their way to avoid me.
A lifetime passes before she answers.
“Kat. What the hell happened?”
“He saw a bunny in the schoolyard at lunch. After school, he went out looking for it on his own.”
Her voice is tight and tired, but all I can think of is my own fear.
“Put him on the phone.”
“He’s sleeping. They cast his arm and—”
“He’s in a cast?!”
He’s all you have. You shouldn’t have left. This is all your fault.
“Where were you?” I demand.
“I was right with him, but a call came in and I turned away for a second.”
I feel the blame rising up, the need to share it because it’s pressing on me like a stone.
“Dammit, Kat. I’m getting an early plane.”
My assistant’s finished work for the day, but I can call the airline myself. Find a standby flight if necessary.
“He’s fine until you get back tomorrow. We’ll call you when he’s awake.”
He’s spent enough time in hospitals, and now he’s in one again, without me.
The line is quiet, but the blood pounds in my ears. I look around the hotel lobby, professors milling about and chatting easily.
“I’m sorry,” she says quietly.
“No, I’m sorry.”
I click off before she can respond.
29
DANIEL
“Dad!” Andy calls when he spots me.
The hospital sounds and smell of antiseptic have me on edge from the second I charge through the doors.
“Andy.” I lean over his bed to hug him fiercely.
The blankets are pulled up around his little body. His cast looks far too big for the rest of him, and he’s got half a Popsicle clutched in his good hand.
“How are you feeling?”
“My arm hurts,” he says with a sigh. “But the cast is cool.”
“Where’s Kat?” I ask.
“Right here.” Her voice makes me turn.
Her hair is piled in a messy knot, her face paler than normal. In an oversized sweater and jeans, she could pass for a teenager as she holds up a small bag of chips. “I went to the vending machine for supplies.”
“Those are the good ones!” Andy crows, and I force myself to smile.
What was I thinking leaving the two of them alone?
“When you finish the Popsicle I can help you open them. Deal?”
“Deal.”
He goes back to his treat.
“We need to talk,” I murmur.
Kat nods, leading us out to the hallway before turning back and lifting her chin. “I’m sorry.”
She inches closer, leaning in.
Fuck, I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. I’m craving the same comfort she is, but I don’t deserve it. Neither of us do.
“I should have been here,” I mutter.
Kat wraps her arms around herself. “You can’t control everything, Daniel.”
We move to let a group of nurses pass hurriedly by with beeping equipment on wheels.
“I lost track of him for a second. A few minutes, really.” Defiance chases across Kat’s face. “Besides, you needed some fun.”
“Fun?” I blink. “I’m a grown man with responsibilities, Kat. Not a student. I don’t get to drop everything and have fun.” She flinches, and I immediately feel like an asshole. “I shouldn’t have put this on you.”
My words don’t have the effect I’d hoped. She’s shutting down, withdrawing.
She got him to the hospital. Got him care. I remind myself of those two things.
But they raise another question.
“You’re not family. How did you admit him…”
Kat’s gaze widens on something behind me, and I turn to see Andy’s grandparents.
Mary looks between me and Kat. Her mouth opens and closes.
Fuck.
“Jesus, Kat.”
Her fingers brush my arm, but I shrug them off.
She called the same people who tried to take my kid from me once to take care of him. There’s no way they didn’t see us argue in hushed tones, me standing way too close to my nanny. It’s more ammunition for why I’m a terrible father.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” I murmur.
“I’m sorry.” Kat shoves the chips into my hands and takes off down the hall.
“Thank you for coming.”
Mary tucks her shiny grey hair behind both ears and looks between me and Andy’s room.
“Of course. When his nanny called, she was quite upset.”
I can practically hear the judgment.
I’ll deal with that later. For now, she steps back and I head into my son’s room.
“Hey bud.”
He doesn’t acknowledge except to finish his popsicle and reach over to drop the stick on the nightstand.
I take a seat in the chair next to his bed.
“You want to tell me what happened?”
“I was chasing bunnies,” Andy informs me. “I followed them all the way down into this hole, except I tripped and my arm hurt so bad. They gave me a cast.”
“And a Popsicle for breakfast,” I comment.
“The Popsicle is from Kat. She stayed with me the whole night. Every time I woke up, she was there. She gave me this.”
He holds up a stuffed bunny.
“She said it was to keep me company until I got one of my own.”
Guilt edges in at the way I spoke to her.
“Kat said I get a whole arm of tattoos now. She gave me this one.” Andy points to a rabbit drawn on the white material in pink ink.
“They’re waiting for some scans to return,” Mary says. “Then he’s free to go.”
I nod.
There’s nothing I want more than to get out of here.
30