When I went back to the house, I found she’d left. Packed up her suitcase and things from the bathroom.
“Huh. Maria von Trapp,” Zander comments, then goes on at our collective silence. “Sound of Music? You’ve never seen it, where she runs back to the abbey?”
I set my beer between my feet and press the heels of my hands to my eyes.
“I thought you called her immature and irresponsible.”
My head whips around to Sawyer.
“Andy broke his arm on her watch, and you dragged her over the coals for it,” he continues.
“How’d the kid break his arm?” Zander asks.
“He got out of school and chased after some animal. She wasn’t there.”
Ric smirks. “If you fired my babysitter every time I broke my arm, I’d have been raised in a gutter.”
“I need someone to take care of me,” Zander says. “Hey Daniel, can I hire your nanny if you’re done with her?”
I grip the neck of the bottle. “No.”
“Whatever you were giving her, I’ll give her more.” He winks.
I’m out of my chair in a heartbeat.
Sawyer steps between us. “We’ve known each other our entire lives and I’ve never seen you throw a punch.”
“Today’s a good day to start.”
He grabs my shoulder. “Come on.”
I chug the rest of my beer, then rip away and head for the kitchen.
I feel Sawyer at my back as I make my way inside.
“You eating?” Sawyer asks as I reach the fridge.
“Not hungry.”
I haven’t been in days.
I’m not very active either.
When work emails come in, I ignore them rather than deal with them.
It feels as if my life isn’t really my life. The joy I felt recently seems like a distant memory.
“You’re in love with her. It’s why you’re acting insane.”
Sawyer’s words are matter-of-fact.
I yank out two beers.
Though now that I’m here, I don’t know why because I have to drive and there’s no way I’m drinking the second one.
“I’ve known you since we were kids. You always had your head on straight. You were the reasonable one, I was the reckless one. You colored in the lines, I ripped up the paper. But Kat doesn’t play by your rules.”
“They’re not rules,” I insist. “It’s not unreasonable to expect a person to do their job.”
“No one’s perfect, Daniel, not even you.”
Obviously, I’m not perfect. Far from it.
I can’t get my kid ready for school.
I can’t love someone without it hurting.
I can’t fix the fucking flag on the mother fucking mailbox.
“I was counting on her.”
“To be what? Your nanny or your girlfriend? She can’t be both, especially when it’s convenient for you.”
My chest tightens.
“I’m angry with myself. I left the person I love the most in her care. She called his grandparents. You know what our relationship is like.”
“She was scared for him. You would’ve rather your son not get medical care he needed?”
“Of course not.”
Yeah, what happened with Andy was a shock. And I felt guilty for leaving him, which wasn’t her fault at all.
But more than that, I’m afraid. I’ve controlled my life as much as I can these past few years. It’s far from perfect but it’s more stable than it has been.
She changed everything.
Her easy smile. The way she teases me. How much she cares about Andy.
My life has gotten better, but I’m realizing how precarious it all is.
“You can pretend to live your safe life and have your house tidy and bubble wrap your kid, or you live life knowing there are no guarantees. Loving someone isn’t supposed to make life less risky. It’s supposed to make it worth the risk.”
“Or you can recognize that relationships are doomed to fail,” Zander calls from the door.
“Nihilist,” Sawyer says.
“Realist,” Zander corrects.
“I’m supposed to take advice from a man whose office looks like a tornado has come and gone?”
“There is zero evidence that tidiness correlates with genius.”
“So you’re a genius now.”
“Yeah, and you’re an idiot. I don’t like having a friend who’s an idiot. You’re bringing down the reputation of Hot Profs Lane.”
Kat’s not wrong. What if I am judgmental and unyielding?
I always figured it was for a purpose but it never helped. Not with my wife. Not with my son.
Maybe it’s better if I’m out of her life for good.
But I can’t walk away without seeing her again.
32
KAT
Daniel: We need to talk. Please.
The message shows up when I’m finishing dinner at Liv and Sawyer’s.
I picked the guestroom that looks out on Daniel’s house. To keep an eye on Andy, I told myself.
But I’ve caught Daniel getting in his truck a few times, and each time my traitorous heart leaps.
It’s insane.
He doesn’t want me. I need to get over this.
But none of the guys at school hold any appeal.
Another thing he ruined for me.
Kat: I have more things to get from your house. Can I come by tomorrow?
Daniel: Come by tonight. You can see Andy.
I knock on the door around eight.
It opens seconds later. “Kat! You’re here!”
Andy throws his arms around me, or at least one of them.
“Shouldn’t you be in pajamas?”
“I just wear pajama pants now. It’s too hard to get the top on,” he informs me.
“How’s the healing going?”
“One week done. Three more to go.”
I give him a look.
“Five more to go,” he relents. “The first couple days were fun because everyone was signing it. But now I’m out of space.”
“You can make more space. Got paint?”
He perks up as footsteps sound in the hall.
The hairs on my neck lift.
“Daniel.”
“Kat.”
He stops in front of me. His dark sweater over chinos is preppy and there’s a teasing remark halfway off my tongue when I stop.
“Andy seems happy.”
“He misses you.”
Daniel is so handsome. But when I look closer, he’s tired.
I want to tell him I miss him. I want him to say it back.
“I miss Andy, too.” I paste on a smile. “I’ll get my things.”
I brush past him and head for my old room, a bag in tow.
Inside there are only a few items. I gather them up when I feel him in the doorway.
“Don’t forget this.”
He holds out the stuffed bunny I gave Andy. I wave it away.
“It was a gift. I had an old bear that kept me company in the hospital. It helped when I was alone.”
Daniel’s eyes cloud.
I hate seeing him in pain. But I can’t take it from him. There’s too much to go around right now.