“How long are you going to be gone?” Damien asked.
“Probably two weeks.”
“Well, alright. I’ll handle all the meetings. How’s Sofia?”
“Uncomfortable. She’s pretty big.”
“Well, tell her I said hi and congratulations.”
“I will.” I hung up.
A few minutes later, Sofia walked inside. She wore a short floral dress with her hair styled prettily. She waddled into the room and came to my side. “You’ve been working all day.”
My eyes started at her ankles and drifted up her legs until I stared at her stomach for a couple seconds. I’d been sleeping beside her for a few nights, my hand on her stomach as I drifted off to sleep. It was the most comfortable I’d been in months, just feeling my son inside her. Sometimes, he woke me up when he kicked, but I didn’t mind the interruption at all. I’d assumed we would be sleeping together, but that was all we did…sleep. It was what I preferred, but I was disappointed by it.
Maybe Sofia knew sex was a bad idea. Maybe it was too emotional for her last time, made her miss me so much it was painful. She’d whispered how much she loved me and wouldn’t let me go until the next morning. Maybe she didn’t want to put herself through that either.
I closed my laptop. “Taking care of stuff at the bank.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Just bureaucratic stuff.”
“If you’re free, would you want to see Andrew’s room?”
The room where he would grow, cry, and sleep? The room I would never get to see again? I wouldn’t be there for the diaper changes and the nighttime feedings. I would never get to keep my son for a couple weeks in Florence. My relationship would always take place from a distance. “Yes.”
She took me down the hall, and we stepped into the baby’s room. It was painted blue like the sky, and there was a gray crib against the wall. There were already diapers piled on the dresser and so many toys he wouldn’t know what to play with first. I stepped into the center of the room and looked around, feeling a million emotions at once.
Then I noticed a picture frame on the dresser.
It was a picture of me.
I stood in a suit and leaned against a balcony. It was a candid shot, and I must’ve been talking to somebody because I was smiling. It was clearly taken on our wedding day, but my bride was nowhere visible. I stared for a long time, feeling touched and scarred at the same time.
Sofia followed my gaze. “I know you won’t be here as much as you’d like, so I want Andrew to be able to see you whenever he wants.”
I felt a million emotions at once. I wanted to burst into tears, but I also wanted to demolish that whole room. I felt like a ghost observing someone else live my life. I felt like I was watching my life before my death. This wasn’t a punishment; it was a crime. I didn’t deserve this regardless of the things I’d done. This life should be mine, but after my son was born, I would be back to the shadows…back to the prison.
I no longer had control of my body. My feet moved on their own, and I was in the throes of an emotional breakdown. I gave her no explanation before I stormed out and left the house. If I stayed, I would say things I regretted. If I stayed, she would watch me collapse and combust.
I barely made it to the street corner before I burst into tears.
I ended up in a bar close by. Scotch was the only friend I’d had throughout the years, so now I leaned on it more than I ever had before. There were people everywhere, but I felt alone. The free drinks sent my way were disregarded, and I stared into my glass as I calmed myself down.
Sofia gave me space and didn’t call me. It’d been hours since I stormed off and disappeared. I just needed a break from the suffocation, from the reminder of all the things I couldn’t have.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t love her.
My phone lit up with a text message. Heard you were in the city. Wanna get a drink?
It was my brother Ash, and I quickly deduced Sofia had reached out to him. I’m already having a drink.
Then have another.
I texted him the bar and waited for him to show up.
Fifteen minutes later, he sat on the stool beside me and ordered a gin and tonic. He stared straight ahead and didn’t say anything for a while. The nice thing about my brother was that he didn’t immediately interrogate me.
It was nice because I’d never been much of a talker.
“Sofia told me you could use a friend.”
No, I could use a wife. I could use a son. I kept drinking and sat quietly.
“You want to talk about it?”
I shook my head.
“Alright.” He sat there quietly with me…just being with me.
“What exactly did she say?”
“That you left the house abruptly and were upset. Didn’t say much else.”
Why didn’t she come after me herself? Not that I wanted her to…
“I know this is hard for you, man. You’re entitled to be upset.”
I never said otherwise.
“You should tell her how you feel.”
I slowly turned to him, my eyebrow raised. “What good would that do?”
He shrugged. “It won’t change anything. But it might make you feel better…get all the shit off your chest. She used to be the person you confided everything to. Just ’cause she’s no longer your wife doesn’t mean you can’t still do that.”
I shook my head slightly. “I’m not her problem anymore.”
“If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have called me. And as long as she still loves you, you’ll always be her problem.”
I walked into her bedroom late at night. It was almost eleven in the evening when I arrived back at the house. I was hoping she would be asleep, but I also knew she would be sitting up waiting for me, a book in her lap.
When I walked in the door, that was exactly what she was doing.
She shut the book and put it on her nightstand before she got out of bed. In the same nightdress she wore every night, she looked so damn pretty. Made me hate her even more. “Are you okay?”
Scotch was on my breath, and I was in a sour mood. I hated her because I loved her. And the more I loved her, the more I hated her. “I fucking hate this. We’ve been apart almost as long as we were married, but I somehow love you more now than I did then.”
She turned still on the spot, listening to me with emotion in her eyes.
“I haven’t fucked anyone else because I’m still in love with you. I dream of you, I miss you. And walking into Andrew’s room only reminds me of what I’m missing, what I can never have.”
A thin film of moisture developed in her eyes. “I know…”
“I’m happy we’re having this baby. If I’m going to have kids with anyone, I want it to be with you. But I also want to be a family. I want to come home to you every day. I want Andrew to piss all over me when I’m changing his diaper. I want all that stupid bullshit that most men hate. I assumed this time apart would weaken my heart, but it’s only made it stronger.”
Two tears escaped her eyes and dripped down her face.
“I fucking hate this…”
She wiped away the tear tracks on her cheeks with her fingertips. “I hate it too. I can’t picture myself being with anyone else but you. Antonio asked me out, and I just couldn’t imagine myself going out with him…or anyone else. When I talk about you, I always call you my husband, even though you aren’t anymore. I know this is hard for you. I just want you to know it’s hard for me too.”