I was only in the hospital for a day before I got to go home. My life was completely different the second Andrew was born, and there was really no way to prepare for that. Now my world revolved around this little person, and I had to navigate everything with that in mind.
I sat in the back seat with Andrew on the way home instead of sitting beside Hades. It was difficult to leave my son in the car seat when I thought my arms would be a safer place. He cried like all babies, but most of the time, he was asleep. He looked so cute when his eyes were closed like that.
When we returned to the house, Hades carried everything inside so I could take care of Andrew. My mom was just as infatuated with the baby as I was, but since she understood what it was like to be a new mom, she knew I needed this time for myself. We went to the third floor, and I showed him his room before we returned to the bedroom.
I’d already fed him and changed his diaper, so all he wanted to do was sleep.
That was fine with me.
I got into bed and laid him beside me so I could watch him sleep as I lay there.
Hades joined me and lay on the other side. “Now what?” His voice came out as a whisper so he didn’t wake Andrew.
“We take care of him.”
Hades continued to stare at him. “Looks like he’s doing okay on his own.”
“Babies sleep a lot. They need their rest so they can keep developing.”
“Like I said, I’ve taken a health class.”
I shot him a glare across the bed.
He gave a faint smile in return. He hadn’t slept much since we’d gone to the hospital because he took care of Andrew while I rested. But he didn’t seem tired now. He wanted to lie there with me and enjoy the little boy we’d made together.
“Should you invite Ash over?”
“Why?”
“Because this is his nephew…”
Hades shook his head. “He’ll turn him against me. I’m not gonna give him the opportunity so soon.”
I knew he was kidding, but I still gave him a glare.
“I’ll tell him. I just want us to enjoy him for a while, ya know?”
“Yeah…that’s probably a good idea.”
Hades turned on his side and placed his palms underneath Andrew’s feet. He gently touched his toes and heels as he admired his son’s peaceful expression. Hades spent his life dealing with criminals and living a fast life on the street. He was usually dressed in a tailored suit and shooting bullets full of power, but now he was just a father loving his son.
It was beautiful.
“I never want him to grow up. I want him to stay like this…forever.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me, a solemn expression in his eyes. “Yes…I wish it could stay this way forever.”
11
Hades
My son shared most of my likeness. He was too young for his features to be concrete, but I could tell he would have my warm eyes, my olive skin, and a rugged jawline the ladies would like.
One thing we didn’t have in common was sleep.
This guy could sleep all day and all night.
Most of the time, I was awake at three a.m.
When I thought of babies, I imagined these blobs of people shitting in diapers all day and crying nonstop. I never had an affinity for children and found them to be a nuisance. But I felt entirely differently toward my own son.
He was the coolest person in the world.
When he was awake, he stared at me with fascination. Sometimes, he would reach his hand out to grab me, to explore me. But a part of me believed he somehow knew exactly who I was. Sofia gave me a beautiful baby boy, and I felt so much gratitude the likes of which I’d never felt before. I’d only loved one person my whole life.
But I loved this guy even more.
I spent the next few days helping Sofia care for the baby so she could rest and recuperate. I also took advantage of the time to get to know my son. He was mostly just a doll wrapped in blankets, but our staring contests were intriguing nonetheless.
Sofia and I stopped having sex because the doctor said intercourse wasn’t an option for many weeks. But I still held her tightly throughout the night. I still kissed her as if I never wanted to stop. Knowing she was the mother of my child made me fall in love with her in a whole new way.
Sofia was trying to get some sleep, and Andrew wouldn’t stop crying. I attempted to feed him, but he wasn’t hungry. I changed his diaper, but it was already new. I eventually took him into the nursery and rocked him in the chair in the hope he would calm down and drift off to sleep.
He never closed his eyes, but he did stop crying.
Now he stared at me in the dark while Sofia slept in the other room.
I knew I had to leave soon. I’d probably stayed far too long as it was. Maddox would grow frustrated with me, and the last thing I needed was for him to appear on the doorstep to fetch me himself.
So I had to go.
But when I looked down at this beautiful boy, I didn’t want to leave. “I’m sorry, son. I have to leave…and I won’t be seeing you as much as I’d like. I’m just trying to protect you, and I’m not sure how to do that by staying here.”
He hung on to every word as if he could understand what I was saying.
“I love your mother very much, and I loved you the moment I felt you kick. But you and I live in different worlds. I don’t expect you to understand that. Even as a grown man, you may never understand.” The time I’d spent here for the last few weeks had brought me such joy. But once I was in Florence, that joy would turn into despair, the kind of despair that would swallow me whole.
I wanted to be a husband and a father, but I knew I never could be. Sofia would never be mine again, and I would just be a ghost that drifted in and out. I would have to stand by and watch Sofia love someone else. I would have to watch my son get more attached to his stepfather than he ever would to me. That didn’t sound so bad a few weeks ago, but now that I’d met this little boy, I knew it was insufferable.
I would live a life full of regret…every single day.
I would never be the father who went to all the football games and watched him try on his suit for prom. I would never be a good role model for him, a father who would be there at times and not at others. I was a liability to both him and Sofia. I could do nothing beneficial for either one of them.
Their lives would be better without me.
And every time I would see him, it would just hurt more…and more.
Could I do that?
Could I come over for a visit and shake Sofia’s husband’s hand?
Could I listen to my son call him dad?
Could I watch some stranger have everything that should be mine?
I was lost in my son’s eyes when my phone rang. I looked at the screen and saw the name I despised. I took the call and kept my voice low. If I ignored him, he would just appear at an even worse time. “I’ll leave tomorrow.” I wasn’t ready to go, but I didn’t want to argue for my freedom either. It was easier just to settle.
Maddox was quiet for a while before he responded. “Good. I need you here.”
“Bye.”
Before I could hang up, Maddox spoke. “Congratulations on your son. I hear he’s beautiful.”