Or had he shown more? She had been so drunk on that night last December, when they’d spent time at his client’s swish holiday home, that she would probably have done anything he wanted, yet not only had he not taken advantage of her but he had also got her home and into bed safely. And afterwards, he had made sure that she knew that nothing had happened between them, so that she wouldn’t be worried. Then he had disappeared back to London so that she and Josh could be alone to move forward with their relationship.
She thought back to the feeling she had got when she touched his hand. The heart had a lot to answer for: it was quite clearly the circuit board to the soul. Rosa shook her curls to try and unburden herself from these thoughts and feelings.
Josh remained upbeat. ‘Of course. Well, thanks for telling me.’
‘Josh, I love you so much. There is nothing between me and Lucas, I want to make that clear.’ The thought of him moving in to kiss her and her jumping up suddenly fled through her mind too.
A brief silence, then Josh’s tone changed to a brighter one. ‘Well, I’d better let you carry on cooking up a storm. Give Hot and Bump a big kiss from me and I will see you all so very soon, my darling girl.’
As Rosa sat slowly eating her omelette, her mind became full of Lucas all over again. She examined her thoughts and found to her relief that her heart was hurting for him not because she wanted to be with him, but purely because she couldn’t imagine the heavy weight of pain that he was experiencing in losing his mother in such a sudden way. She also held the secret that his mother had deliberately thrown herself down the cellar steps. How desperate must Sheila have been, to try to take her own life like that, Rosa thought. Surely just overdosing on her extra-strong prescribed pain relief would have been far more peaceful.
It was such a sad story. Rosa thought long and hard. If it was her own mother, would she want to know the truth, to learn that her mum had wanted to end her life in such a tragic and painful way? She didn’t know the answer to that, nor did she know what to do. It wasn’t every day you were asked to keep a secret on a deathbed.
Suddenly, Rosa felt a rush go through her body; she called it her ‘spirit feeling’. The hairs on both her arms stood up. The last and only time she had been present at someone’s death was Queenie’s.
‘Of course!’ Rosa said aloud, then with the memory of her great-grandmother holding both of her hands in her dying moments, she repeated the very last words that the old woman had said to her.
‘Sometimes in life, if you don’t know what to do: do nothing, say nothing and the answer will come to you. You are blessed.’
Queenie was right, as she had so often been. Rosa would let it lie. Sometimes when a problem seemed so immediate and overwhelming, that really was the best thing to do.
CHAPTER 27
Rosa was just walking down to the café when she could feel somebody close behind her.
‘Long time no see.’ The imposing figure of Alec Burton linked arms with her. ‘I’m going to the same place as you, no doubt. Sara left her reading glasses at home. I suppose I could give them to you right now to take down, but any excuse to see her. And Brown needed a walk.’ His Labrador licked Rosa’s hand.
Rosa laughed. ‘You two. It’s like love’s young dream.’
‘Well, they do say you should pay good deeds forward, don’t they, and you certainly did that for me with Sara. I couldn’t be happier, Rosa, with you playing Cupid for us that day. I will be eternally grateful.’
‘Who’d have thought I could do something of note for you, eh?’ She was pleased.
‘Rosa, what have I said to you before? We are all equal.’
‘Well, I will be eternally grateful to you for helping me get my life back on track. So there!’ Rosa said affectionately. ‘It wasn’t until I was out of it that I realised what a dark place I’d been in. I now look at drinking so differently. It made me sad, it made me depressed and react in ways that I really didn’t want to. It was as if it took me over.’
‘You’ve done so well and it’s great to see you happy, now. How’s that tall fella of yours doing in the Big Apple anyway?’
‘Good, really good. He’s coming back sooner than I thought now, too, so I’m counting the days.’
‘That old devil “separation anxiety” not rearing its head this time then?’
‘I’ve had a couple of wobbles and nearly called you, but being sober, I seem to be able to bring myself back down – and with all the mental tools you gave me, I am able to grasp the real picture and just bash the bad thoughts out of my head.’
‘That’s brilliant. Like I’ve said, we can’t stop anyone from doing something, not if they are hell-bent on doing it. But I do know that Josh loves you so much that you should feel secure in that knowledge.’
‘I do, I do.’ Rosa paused. ‘Alec…’
‘Go on, what is it?’
‘I’m going to give you a scenario, and can we pretend you are my counsellor just for today so that I can rely on that trust, please?’
Alec stopped, unlinked arms and looked directly at her. ‘You can always rely on my trust, you know that.’ He had come to realise that he filled a fatherly role for this young woman, that her upbringing still raised feelings she couldn’t quite control and understand.
Rosa tried to sound matter-of-fact. ‘Can you be so in love with somebody and want to be with them and stay with them and create a family with them, but still have feelings for somebody else at the same time?’
‘OK.’ Alec was thoughtful for a second. ‘Well, my take on it is this. The human capacity to love is boundless, Rosa. You love your family, you love your friends, you love your pets, but there is a distinct difference between love and lust.’
‘Yeah, I know that.’
‘Hear me out though. True love tends to develop slowly, over time, as you get to know someone.’
They reached the beach. Rosa asked, ‘Can we just walk along the beach path before we go in the café?’ She was reluctant to let Alec go.
‘Of course. Come on – I can let Brown off the lead then too.’ Alec headed with her in the direction of South Cliffs. The winter waves looked grey and uninviting. Seagulls circled the empty bins and sang a tetchy lament at the lack of tourist treats at their disposal.
‘Going back to our discussion,’ he added, ‘lust, as we know, is usually quite instant and can have a similar effect on the brain as some drugs do – and that’s because sexual-attraction hormones are released into the body. And a bit like with drugs or drink, it may all seem like a good idea at the time. But long-term, it isn’t sustainable. You know that.’
‘Yes, yes I do.’
Alec continued, ‘I always say to clients of mine, “If you are uncertain of anything, before you act on your feelings ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling here?’ And avoid making far-reaching decisions based on what could just be a passing emotion”.’
‘I love Josh so much; I would never hurt him.’
‘That’s right. If you love somebody that much, you will never intentionally hurt them. And face it, connected sex in a relationship can easily feel as good or even better than a brief encounter with a lustful stranger. And I sure as hell know what I would prefer, every time.’ The big man stopped walking and looked at her. ‘Think of that urge like having a drink. You know how to say no to that. And a good, trusting friendship with a member of the opposite sex counts for a lot too, doesn’t it? Look at us, for instance,’ and he grinned.