“Do you do this often? Walk off with children?”
My stomach cramps. “No. God, no. I guess I just…when I looked at Ava, I thought of my sister. I had a twin who…” I pause, trying to word the circumstances surrounding my sister’s death correctly. “She passed away while we were in high school. When I saw Ava, I saw my sister, and it made me miss her. I longed to protect Ava, to see her smile just a little longer, because I’d do anything to see my sister smile again.”
I sniff back the pressure that’s suddenly building in my sinuses. Mrs. Avalar looks down, shuffling her papers, and when she looks back up, her eyes are much redder than they were when she walked in.
“You realize taking on a child is a huge responsibility. This isn’t a game of dress-up. This isn’t a coping mechanism for the loss of your sister. This is a life. A human being looking for a family that will love her.”
I nod. “I may not have the perfect family or the perfect background, but I know if given the chance, I can be an incredible parent to Ava, if she wants me. For years, I’ve gone around feeling lost, but I think I’ve finally found my place, and that’s here, offering my love to someone unconditionally. Caring for someone because I want to, not because I expect anything in return. I’d like nothing more than to do that for Ava, to bring a smile to her face every day, and give her the life she deserves.”
She nods after my speech, making a note of something before we move on to the next portion of the interview.
“Now, normally, we’d do this in multiple sessions, but I think we can knock all of this out today. Are you up for some quick quizzes?”
After three separate quizzes and a handful of questions later, Mrs. Avalar sits back and smiles at me with a softness that wasn’t there in her eyes when she first walked in.
“I think you’re going to be a perfect fit for Ava.”
My heart gallops at her words, and my emotions overwhelm me. I place a trembling hand over my lips, trying to hold myself together. Mrs. Avalar blinks rapidly, clearing her own emotion out of her eyes. “Listen, we’re not officially finished yet. Now, all we have left is the home visit, and once your psych and health evaluations come back, we’re set. If approved, Ava will finally have a place to call home.”
“Thank you.”
She shakes her head. “It takes a special kind of person to love a child who isn’t their own, so thank you for offering to love Ava as if she’s yours. I’ll be in touch very soon, Ms. Wright.”
When I step out of the building, my first instinct is to call Baz and tell him the good news. I want to gush to him, tell him how nervous and excited I am. I want his advice. I want him to tell me everything is okay, but I can’t do any of that.
Instead, I settle on calling Kat and Vera. With tears of happiness streaming down my face, I tell them I’m going to be a mom.
I stand off to the side of the doorway, wringing my hands in front of my body, as I wait and try to be patient. Worry starts to claw at my chest. I wonder if maybe they decided not to go through with it after all. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be.
The second Ava walks through the door, and her bright little eyes fall on me, all my previous thoughts and worries fall away. My chest constricts, and for the first time in years, I feel complete. I watch it happen, the moment she processes this—her future. Her eyes widen and warmth fills my chest at the look of wonder and awe plastered all over her face.
Yes, I remembered, sweet girl.
Unexpectedly, Ava runs to me and throws herself in my arms, and right here, holding this sweet little girl against me who hasn’t had the best of life, I vow I’m going to give her my all. I make a promise to myself that I’ll give her the life I never had, filled with moments of happiness. Not heartbreak, anger, or retribution, just happiness. Things in my life may not have been perfect, but with Ava, I can give her what I wasn’t given. I can give her a good life, one she deserves.
I bend down, taking her into my arms. This feeling, this little girl in my arms, nothing has ever felt more right. Nothing has ever felt more like home than it does right here. She buries her face into my chest, and I rest my head on top of hers, breathing in her scent. Tears spring to my eyes because, for the first time in forever, I’ve found that little shred of happiness I’ve been searching for endlessly. I have a home I can build with this sweet girl. I don’t care that my heart is broken. I don’t care that I wasn’t able to succeed. I have her, and that’s all that matters.
There’s only one thing missing from this moment, and I try not to dwell on the possibility of him never being able to be a part of it.
After Ava and I share our moment, I show her around the house. She takes everything in with wide eyes. She seems just as awe-inspired as I was when I got here. This isn’t just a regular house. This is a house I’d never have been able to realistically afford in my lifetime.
“I know this is going to be a little weird at first, but I want you to come to me for anything, okay? We can change anything you don’t like.”
She smiles, her eyes still darting around, taking it all in. Finally, she shifts, glancing back at me. Her gaze rakes me up and down, and she pauses on my hair.
“I like it.”
I smile. “Thank you. But I think yours is better.”
My heart skips a beat when she grins because, once again, it’s like staring into a mirror of the past. She’s so much like my sister and me when we were her age. “So, is it just us two?”
The smile on my face dims just a bit at the question. I work a swallow. “Yeah, sweetie. It is. Is that okay?”
She smiles, putting me at ease. “Yeah. Can we play in my room?”
I laugh, loving that she’s more interested in her room here than she is about anything else. We head down the hall to her room, and I let her gravitate toward whatever it is she wants. Baz had the room stocked with books, clothes, and all the necessities, along with a few extras, but I went the extra mile and added a few other staples I knew my nine-year-old self would never be able to live without. She surprises me entirely when she heads toward the coloring station. She waves me over, and with a swelling, happy sensation in my chest, I take my place next to her on the floor and get to coloring with her. She’s a natural artist and creative to boot.
I learn quite a bit about my adoptive daughter that night. She’s a lot more like me than I imagined she’d be.
Being a parent is hard. Over the past week of having Ava in my life, it’s been a major adjustment but in the best of ways. On top of trying to make her feel comfortable, I’ve been trying to bond with her, find out what all her likes and dislikes are. It’s safe to say dinner has been an odd occurrence. She doesn’t like meat or vegetables. Apparently, she never has, which likely explains why she’s so tiny.
She also loves drawing, singing, and dancing. And not to be biased, she’s a triple threat. Her moves can use some working on, but her voice? It’s amazing. The kid is talented. Hell, she even draws better than I do. My stick figures are nothing compared to her works of art.
It’s been a learning process, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. This is the absolute happiest I’ve been in…well, ever. I’d like to say I was this happy with Baz, but I wasn’t. There was too much secrecy surrounding my feelings for us to ever truly let go.