Madison is right. It’s time to leave it in the past.
I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling defensive. “Why are you helping me? You should hate me. Especially after what happened tonight.”
Baz chuckles. The sound is dark and raspy, and it hits me in places it shouldn’t. “Oh, I do. But there’s some sick part of me that loves you more.”
My heart skids to an abrupt halt, and my stomach dips at his words. The foundation shifts, and I clutch onto the chaise for support. I open my mouth, wanting to apologize and throw myself into his arms, but I remember why we can’t. Why I can’t.
This doesn’t change anything. He still wants to cut me loose. And maybe he’s right. Maybe it is time to let go, even though the thought alone makes me sick to my stomach. I love him. I probably always will, but Baz and I are a beautiful disaster when we’re together.
“I…I don’t even know what to say,” I mumble, clearing the emotion out of my voice.
He pushes to his feet, rising to his formidable height. “Don’t say anything,” he replies coldly, leaving me. “I’ll take care of it, if that’s what you want.”
Just when he’s about to leave, I call out to him. He pauses but doesn’t turn to look back at me. And even though I know I shouldn’t, I say, “Thank you, Baz.”
His shoulders stiffen, and he turns to look at me. With a cold, detached look over his shoulder, I watch the tic in his jaw. “Don’t. I’m not doing this for you.”
Anger simmers just below my gut. “Who are you doing it for then, if not me?” Everything about his actions suggest otherwise. This is most definitely for me.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
He leaves without another word, and the second the door shuts behind him, I crumble, finally able to breathe without his presence dominating the room, practically stealing the air from my lungs.
I try to get used to the sensation of not having him around. The thought alone makes my heart twinge.
True to his word, I get the meeting with the orphan organization. I try to refrain from fidgeting in the office, as I wait to hear from Ava’s caseworker. I’m feeling antsy, nervous, and I can’t stop smoothing my hand over my hair, trying to make sure I look presentable.
If all goes right, I’ll be leaving here with a child. Well, not that quickly, but I’ll be that much closer. I’ll have the opportunity to change and make Ava’s life better. I can only hope it turns out that way. I don’t want to screw this up like I do with everything else in my life.
Today marks three weeks since I’ve last seen or heard from Baz. Any form of communication is made between Dan or his new assistant, Matthew. I give a silent thanks that he had enough sense to choose someone other than a woman as his new assistant. In that time, I’ve gone through the phases of my emotions, and now, all I’m truly left feeling is numb.
I’ve tried to stay busy with the house. He had most of it furnished, but left the little things to me, my own touches in my home. Something I never thought I’d have the opportunity to say, let alone have the opportunity to do. Technically, it doesn’t really feel like my own home because I didn’t pay for it. It is still hard to process that it is, indeed, in my name, and I do, in fact, own this property.
Dan even helped me start the process of child-proofing the home. Though Ava isn’t a toddler I needed to worry about getting into odds and ends around the house, there were still things that needed to be done. Baz mentioned to Dan that the state would likely want to see that I am capable of caring for a child. That meant a courtyard shielding our house, an alarm system, and a gate surrounding the pool in the backyard.
The house is as safe as it’s going to get, and I know everything about the next phase rests solely on my shoulders. It’s obvious they know about my past, and I know they’re going to take it all into consideration. Though Dan assured me that Baz has pulled a lot of strings and has done plenty of advocating on my part, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to sit through this interview with flying colors. I am coming into this with low expectations. Do I hope I will leave here with good news today? Absolutely. Is that going to be the case? I don’t think so.
Even with all the prepping I’ve done for today, Baz has still found a way to infiltrate my thoughts. He’s always there, like a gaping hole in my chest, a missing part of me. I keep telling myself it’s best to move on and find my happiness, just as he urged me to, but it’s not that simple. He was always a part of that equation, and without him as an option, I’m solely relying on Ava for that happiness, which probably isn’t any better.
I’ve thought it over a lot and wonder if this is a mistake. Would she even remember me? If taking her in does become an option, will she even want to? That is what I am most afraid of, more rejection. I’ve dealt with rejection my entire life. It isn’t new; it is something I’ve come to expect in all aspects and forms of my life. I just hope with Ava, things will be different.
Every night, I spend much more time than is deemed healthy looking up anything I can find on Baz. Any new articles that can tell me what he’s doing. Anything to help me feel close to him. I’m long past the point of feeling pathetic. I am the poster child for pathetic.
All my searches told me that he was in Bali for work. Reports were then quiet on him for a week after. It wasn’t until mid-last week that he was spotted making his rounds back in LA. I prepared my heart for the possibility of seeing him in photos with other gorgeous women, but in all of them, he’s always alone, wearing that severe expression on his face.
That confused me. Why wasn’t he out living his life? Wasn’t that what he wanted, me gone, so he could do as he wanted freely? That didn’t seem to be the case, which only left me with more questions.
My thoughts dissipate the second the door opens and in walks an older woman, wearing a professional smile and holding a stack of files. My stomach dips, anxiety causing sweat to trickle down my spine uncomfortably.
“Ms. Wright. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Stacey Avalar.”
I stand and shake her hand, plastering on my best smile. Though I’m sure it comes off as more nervous than anything. “Likewise.”
“Most of the paperwork has been done, and the timeline of this process has been escalated, but as much as Mr. Kingston would like to throw around his money and pay outright for everything, adopting a child isn’t that easy. There are regulations, and I just want to make sure you’re a good fit for Ava. We appreciate the business and care Baz offers to the organization, so I’ve tried to expedite this process for you on his behalf.”
She starts opening her files, spreading out documents and pushing her glasses up her nose. I wring my clammy hands in my lap and actively try not to shake my leg. She starts by settling back in her chair and asking me questions.
“Sebastian has told me a bit about how you met Ava, but can you tell me more about the occasion?”
I clear my throat, my heart lurching at being put on the spot. Her eyes drill into me, just looking for a fault, so she can say no. “Well…” My voice shakes wildly, betraying just how nervous I am. “I attended the gala with Sebastian a few months ago, and I noticed Ava right away. She was so tiny next to the rest of the children there, and she looked so sad until she got a look at my dress. Her eyes lit up, and it was like watching her transform before my very eyes over a dress.” I smile fondly at the memory. “I decided to approach her. The attendant who was supposed to be watching the children at the table seemed more preoccupied by her phone, so I went over and asked if I could talk to Ava for a bit.” Her lips purse, obviously not liking how easy it was for a stranger to walk away with one of her girls.