The police called me this morning to tell me that Zach got into a fight. He was stabbed to death. He died this morning.
I know you were someone that was important to him, they gave me your email. You have to be someone special because he would talk about you when he called me. I just want to thank you for being there for my baby when I couldn’t.
Sincerely,
Zach’s mom, Aida.
I stare at the screen in disbelief, my stomach twisting in agony. I don’t believe it. It can’t be true. This has to be some sick, cruel joke. I shake my head. This didn’t happen. This woman is a liar. She’s a liar!
I shake my head, pushing the laptop away, refusing to believe Zach is dead.
It might be one of his friends playing a joke on me. I can’t accept this. It has to be! Tears free fall down my cheeks as I rise out of the chair. Not Zach.
I refuse to believe it.
He was going to get his life together. Even the parole officer said it. Things were going to be better for him.
“It’s not true,” I say over and over in denial. “This is a bunch of bullshit!”
I have to believe it’s not true, but a growing fear grips my heart. I have to find out.
I jump up from my seat and rush through the house in search of a landline phone. I find one in Joseph’s study. My hands fumbling over the ancient thing while I nearly rip the phone out of the wall in my haste to pick up the receiver.
I quickly dial the parole officer’s number. I know it by heart. Pick up. Pick up! My fingers twist around the cord as I pace the small area.
It rings three times before someone answers.
“Hello?” a woman’s husky voice answers.
My lips are suddenly dry and my words stick in my throat.
It’s okay, I tell myself. You’ll see. It was all a lie. He’s okay
I suck in a deep breath and then blurt, “It’s Lilly Wade … I’m calling to... find out about … Zach White?” is all I can manage.
I don’t know if it’s protocol to just say a name when calling to ask for information, but I can’t say anything else. My throat feels so tight, I almost can’t breathe.
The woman on the other end of the line gets it though, because I hear the tapping of keys.
Her next words nearly knock me off my feet.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Wade. He passed away this morning.”
The phone slips from my fingertips and swings up against Joseph’s desk with a bang. But I no longer care. The room is spinning around me. My heart is racing. I can’t fucking think. Not him. I couldn’t help him. But they were going to. They were going to save him. He told me they would. He told me he’d be fine!
Somewhere in the background, I hear the woman’s voice coming out of the receiver, “M’am are you there?”
I sink to my knees beside the desk, wrapping my arms around my chest, and begin rocking back and forth. Trying to calm myself. Trying to remember the relaxing yoga. But instead my rocks are fast. Too fast.
I’m not okay. It’s not okay.
“No, no, no, no!” I repeat over and over, the tears rolling from my eyes, so hot my eyes are burning. I can’t believe it. I failed him. I should have done more to help him. I should have snatched his ass in the car that day I saw him walk away from me.
It’s all my fucking fault.
“Ma’am are you all right?”
She tries again to get my attention several more times before hanging up, the sound of the dial tone mixing in with my quiet cries.
I don’t even hear the sound of footsteps, but I’m suddenly pulled up into a hard chest by strong arms.
“What happened?” Joseph asks, pushing my hair out of my face as I try to calm down.
I can’t answer him right away, the tears and sobs coming in even harder, seemingly brought on by his caring touch. But he waits patiently for me to get a hold of myself, his normally dark eyes filled with concern.
“Zach died,” I sob when I can finally say the words. “He was murdered.” Speaking haltingly, I tell him all about my relationship with the troubled kids in school and how I devoted a lot of myself to helping them and how special Zach was to me.
“I thought he was going to be okay.” It’s all I can say towards the end. His strong hand rubbing my back in large, soothing circles.
Joseph frowns, squeezing me gently. “I’m so sorry. But this wasn’t your fault, do you understand? You couldn’t have changed what happened to Zach. No one could.” I shake my head in denial, before burying my face into his hard chest.
I want to scream at him, ‘that doesn’t make it right’, but when I pull away from him and look at the softness in his eyes, I know that he’s only trying to make me see the truth. I couldn’t save him, just like I couldn’t save my mother. Just like my father couldn’t save her.
“Lilly, you can’t save people from themselves. I know that. So much better than most people. But you try. And you never stop. You’re a good person. Even if he’s gone,” I let out a small sob and try to pull away, but Joseph holds my chin firmly in his grasp, “even if he’s gone, you can still help others. I’m sure you have. Even if you don’t know it.” He grips my chin and forces me to look into his eyes. The intensity that he gazes at me with, actually stops my sobs and dries my tears. “I know you have”
I feel like shit. My heart is hurting. But I can’t deny the power he has over me. I shake my head, not fully believing him.
His next words steal the air for my lungs. “You’ve helped me.” He loosens his grip on me, to brush the hair from my face, “more than you’ll ever know.
I stare up into his eyes, and I see something I’ve never seen before, something so powerful that it makes me weak in the knees. Something that I’m not sure that I’m seeing because it’s truly there, or because I want it to be there.
That must be it. I’m only imagining the love I see reflected in his eyes.
Chapter 26
Joseph
I thought it was her that was playing a game when we started this. But it’s more more clear to me now that I was the one playing. The bottle of whiskey is empty. I keep bringing it to my lips, forgetting that it’s gone, having nothing to take this pain away.
There’s life beyond the hollow shell I’ve been living in. There’s a reason to fight, there’s a reason to feel. Lilly’s shown me that. My heart hurts for her. I wish I could give her something to take the pain away. But nothing can soothe grief. I know that all too well.
Over the last few days, she hasn’t been herself. I told her she’s blaming herself for something she couldn’t control. It’s something no one can control. But she doesn’t want to believe that.
I’ll show her with time. I’ll help her however I can. I just want her to be happy again.
Knock. Knock. Two soft knocks from the front entry distract me from my thoughts.
I’ve ordered her a new laptop. I put the bottle down on the end table and quickly make my way to the door. I’m eager to get her something that will make her smile. She’s been burying herself in her writing. I’m hoping this will make her happy. Even if only for a moment.