Yet, here she was.
Looking like everything I’d ever wanted.
Sleeping in my bed, wearing the dress I requested. Despite it being black, she was still the only angel in the abyss of my world.
Her beauty spellbound me.
Her innocence enthralled me.
But it was her kindness, her heart, her soul that spoke to me the most.
She was glowing.
Serene.
Fuckin’ breathtaking.
The sun slowly started appearing through the window, each ray of light falling across her gorgeous face.
Provoking me.
Awakening me.
Making me feel emotions I shouldn’t when it came to her.
My core seized up more and more the longer I watched her. Tightening like a vise.
More guilt.
More memories.
More. More. More.
I battled the yearning to hold her. To tell her how much she still meant to me, to show her the effect she now had on me. I did none of those things. Instead, I waited for her to wake up, not knowing what for.
Within the next couple of minutes, her eyes began fluttering open. She blinked, and our gazes locked for the first time in what felt like forever. She breathed out a heavy sigh of relief, seeing me there with her. A look of confusion and sadness on her face, silently wanting to know where I’d been. There was no point in lying to her. I would show her everything she wanted to see and know.
The broken man behind the music.
Before either of us could speak, she began crying, and I rushed toward her.
“Fuck,” I exclaimed, cradling my hands on her face. “Don’t cry for me, Junie. Please don’t cry for me.”
“Where did you go?” she wept.
With my calloused thumbs, I wiped away her tears. “Junie, please...” I begged, hanging on by a thread.
I’d spent over a decade numbing my emotions. This was all so foreign to me. However, for her, I welcomed it.
She lost it, bawling hysterically. Her body shaking uncontrollably with each sob. In one sudden movement, I tugged her onto my lap without hesitation. Wrapping her legs around me, I hugged her as close as I could against my chest.
“Shhh ... darlin’, shhh ... it’s alright. I’m here ... shhh...”
My internal struggle was evident in my embrace, in my voice, in the way I was trying to comfort her. Needing to feel her warmth.
Her love.
Her bleeding heart.
Out of nowhere, she blurted, “I know why you left.”
Knocking me completely...
On my ass.
Chapter 2
“You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.”
-Janis Joplin
<>Cash<>
I instantly froze, unaware of what to expect, of where she was going with this. Although, I was fully aware no good could come of it.
“I shouldn’t have left my phone behind. I should have been more careful. I didn’t know she’d be calling.” She was the first to pull away, peering into my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Cash.” Our stares never wavered from each other as she told me her truth. “I know. I’ve always known.”
Known what? What do you know, Junie? That I’m a piece of shit who abandoned his family when they needed him the most?
I didn’t respond. I didn’t even think I was breathing.
“No one told me. No one had to. I knew it the first time I held her in the hospital, right after she was born. She was you, Cash McGraw.”
I grimaced, my eyes brimming with fresh tears. I’d always felt this connection to Journey. I just never imagined it would be this powerful, this overwhelming, this soul-shattering feeling in every sense of the word.
It was everything.
She was everything.
“She has your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. I swear she has this ability to make everyone love her without even trying. She’s the sweetest little girl with the biggest heart and the most beautiful soul. She’d understand, Cash. If she knew the truth, she’d forgive you.”
Tears streamed down the sides of my face, one right after another. I didn’t try to hide them. I didn’t run away. I didn’t want to.
Not from her.
Never from her.
She was my June.
“I figured it out on my own, Cash. It was easy to connect the dots. You don’t talk to Harley. You don’t talk to anyone from back home. You’ve completely isolated yourself from your whole family. From the people who love you. Most of all ... from me.”
Her heart was breaking for the man falling to pieces in front of her, physically feeling my body crumbling to the floor. I let her see me for who I was. She needed to know what she was getting herself into.
I was fucked up.
So fucked up.
“Everyone makes mistakes,” she expressed like she was reading my mind. “Nobody is perfect. It’s what you do to fix the errors of your ways that makes you human. I don’t know what happened between Harley and you, but whatever it was, I know you did what you thought was best. My brother loves her with every last piece of his soul. He always has. But it doesn’t change the fact you can love her just as much. Come home with me, Cash.”
I bowed my head, and she grabbed my face. Jackson was everything I wanted him to be, and I struggled with the desire to tell her I knew all that.
I chose him for her.
Needless to say, I never expected her to share, “I’ve tried to show her who you are ... through music. She loves your music. Johnny Cash, The Rolling Stones, Nirvana, she knows them all. From the first verse, ’til the last lyric. I gave her a huge part of you. She deserves it. She deserves to know you. Not once did Jackson or Harley stop me. Not once did they argue. Not once did they say anything about it. I swear they know I know. And I think a big part of them wanted her to have you.”
More tears slid out of my eyes, crushing her heart further. This gorgeous, stunning angel in my arms couldn’t have been more perfect. Even with all my flaws, she still taught my daughter who I was. Giving her the biggest part of me.
Music.
“She’s why you drink, right? The drugs? The running away? It’s Bailey. You’re running from her?”
I tried to yank my face outta her tight grasp, ashamed.
“No! You will listen to me.” There was no hesitance in her voice. “I came for you. It wasn’t Lars. It was you.”
Our eyes locked again.
What?
“Yeah, that’s right. I came for you. Because she needs you. Harley needs you. Your mom, your sisters, your dad... We all need you. Do you understand me? You can’t run from this anymore. Are you hearing me?”
I shook my head and closed my eyes. I hadn’t seen or spoken to them in what felt like an eternity. They were always on my mind. I missed my family more than anything.
Especially, my momma.
All I ever wanted was for them to be proud of me and now look... I was everything they didn’t want. I’d become my own worst nightmare.
“Come home with me, Cash. Please, just come home with me,” she repeated, hanging on the same thread I was.
Freely burning in my ring of fire right beside me.
“I know everything will be okay if you come with me.”
I gripped onto her body tighter, trying to mold us together. Into one person.
I needed her. God, how much I fuckin’ needed her.