Chapter 1
“If you stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything.”
-Bob Dylan
<>Cash<>
Now: Thirty-years-old
“Mmm...” I groaned in my sleep. My head fuckin’ pounded to its own beat, feeling as though my brain was about to explode. “Mmm...” I moaned again, trying to get my eyes to open to no avail.
Rapidly, they fluttered a mile a minute until they finally won the battle against my scrambled mind. I willingly shoved away the sleepy haze and took in my surroundings. A cold, dark abandoned warehouse was the only thing in my sight.
How the fuck did I get here?
I sat up from the grimy, disgusting, worn-out mattress I was apparently sleeping on and grabbed ahold of my throbbing skull as if it would magically make the discomfort disappear. The smell of piss, shit, and God knows what else assaulted my senses.
Filth everywhere.
Walls covered in graffiti decorated every corner of the piece of shit building. Piles of trash, infested rats, and ghostlike junkies who appeared dead laid dormant around me.
What the fuck?
I was Cash Motherfuckin’ McGraw, waking up with drug addicts like I was one of them. The last thing I remembered was feeling no pain, exactly the way I wanted. If only I could feel the same way all the time. Maybe then I wouldn’t find myself in circumstances like these, wishing I’d used better judgment.
Goddamn it.
I needed to get back to the tour bus.
To my bandmates.
To Journey.
My June.
I stood, stumbling to find my footing to remain upright. I was dizzy, tired, fuckin’ restless to the bone. Every sentiment hit me tenfold and blinded the hell outta me.
What did you do, Cash? What the fuck did you do?
My sunken eyes wandered down to where I was laying, taking in the pipe and needle on the dingy floor.
Oh, God ... please no.
Instantly, I rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie, desperately searching for the track marks on my arms. Breathing out a huge sigh of relief when I saw no such thing existed. I threw off my shoes next to check my toes.
Nothing.
I didn’t stop there. I inspected every inch of my body where I could have possibly shot up, coming up clean.
Thank fuck.
I was known to be careless, but the last thing I wanted was to share needles with these fuckers. Especially now that Journey was in my care. I made a mental note to get tested anyway, for her.
With one foot in front of the other, I walked outta this hellhole. Tossing a few hundreds to the woman who was alone.
“Thank you! Oh, my goodness, thank you! You’re an angel!”
“I’m no such thing,” I replied to her. “Don’t spend it all on drugs. Get yourself some fuckin’ food.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you Cash Mc—”
“No.” Throwing the hood over my head, I quickly left. Flying outta there faster than a bat outta hell. I called Beck from my cell phone.
“Where the fuck are you?” he answered in a sharp tone.
“Not a fuckin’ clue.”
“Vince is going to fucking murder you,” he roared, referring to our manager.
“Vince can suck my dick.”
“Yeah, Tony’s going to love that,” he added, talking about the CEO of our record label.
“They work for us, Beck. Not the other way around.”
“Jude! How the fuck do I use my phone to find him again?!”
“Shhh! You’re gonna wake up Junie!”
“Oi! She’s what you’re worried about, you prick?!”
“Beck, I mean it. Shut the fuck up!”
“She went to sleep like three hours ago. Trust me, mate, I’m not going to wake her. She was waiting up for your arse, but I made her go to bed.”
She was?
My unsteady hands tugged the hair away from my face, holding it behind my head. “She pissed?’
“No, you wanker. She’s fucking thrilled. Shitting rainbows and Skittles. Loves the fact you ran away and now we can’t find you.”
“Found him,” Jude interjected. “Why the fuck are you there?”
“Don’t ask. Just get here.”
I hung up, slipping my phone into my pocket to tend to my splitting headache. Taking a seat on the curb, I lit up a cigarette and waited.
Feeling as if I'd spent my whole life doing just that.
With my face tucked between my knees, I sat there for I didn’t know how long contemplating if this was what death felt like. Until I heard the engine of our tour bus approaching. Silently praying Journey wasn’t awake yet. It pulled up right in front of me with the door already open. Ronnie, our driver, knew better than to say something to me as I stepped on.
“Not now,” I demanded when I saw my bandmates eyeing me up and down.
“We got a show tonight,” Stixx reminded.
I nodded, making my way toward my room before they could say anything else. I’d deal with them later.
Right now, all I wanted was a fuckin’ shower.
My grasp trembled as I opened the door as quietly as possible, being extra careful not to wake Journey. Softly shutting it behind me, I turned to take in the beauty between my sheets. There she was, curled up in my bed, sound asleep. Her blonde hair fanned out over the pillows, the lull of her breath was music to my ears. A rhythm I could write lyrics to. A sliver of light reflected across her beautiful face, accentuating her perfect, pouty lips I admired from afar.
She was the definition of perfection.
Shaking off the emotions coursing through me, I strode into the en suite bathroom. Gently closing the door, I needed to wash away the previous night’s sins.
I leaned over the sink, peering at my reflection in the mirror. Taking in my unruly hair, my deep, sunken eyes, and the unforgiving black circles beneath them.
“What did you do, Cash? What the fuck did you do?” I questioned again.
Unable to stomach my own face, I flipped open the medicine cabinet to pull out my pills. Swallowing them down with some faucet water, I still gagged from the shitty taste in my mouth from the night before.
My body protested.
My neck was sore.
My head wouldn’t stop fuckin’ throbbing.
It didn’t take long for the water to get cold, and I fought the urge to turn it off. I needed the sting to wake me up, even though sleep was the furthest thought from my mind. I gave in to the desire and turned the knob, putting an end to my self-detox. Grabbing a towel off the warmer, I wrapped it around my waist, taking a second to shake out my wet hair.
Treading over to the sink to brush my teeth, I savored the taste of the minty paste. Anything was better than the stale aftertaste of last night’s transgressions. Splashing water on my face and taking one look in the mirror, I warily opened the door.
Vigilant not to wake my sleeping beauty.
I grabbed some jeans and another hoodie from my closet to the left of the bed. Throwing them on in the small space to ensure I wouldn’t startle her.
My feet moved on their own accord, sitting on the couch where I’d been passing out in the wee hours of the morning ever since the moment she came back into my life.
Except, I was usually shitfaced.
I sat there and watched Journey sleep through dark, tainted eyes. I couldn’t help it. As always, the mere presence of her calmed me in ways nothing else ever did. Listening to her lax, restful breathing was my Zen. The sound bringing me peace. It filled the void in my heart just being near her. The scent of her hung heavy in the room, only fueling the fire inside me to make her mine. It was such a reckless longing. She was supposed to be the little girl I left behind.