I sat there with my heart in my throat, picturing all the milestones I’d missed in Bailey’s life.
The first time she played outside, rode her bike down the driveway, drew with chalk on the sidewalk.
The first time...
The first time...
The first time...
I’d missed it all.
“Cash,” Journey called out, grabbing my chin so I would look at her. “She’s only turning nine-years-old today.”
“I’ve missed nine years of everythin’.”
“She’s barely lived. Think of all the years and time you still have with her. Stop dwelling on the past and think about the future.”
“How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make everythin’ better. You’re like a magical fuckin’ unicorn.”
She giggled.
“You’re so young.”
“I’ve been through a lot.”
I nodded, understanding where she was coming from. When I was eighteen, I was living on the streets without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
Damn, how times have changed.
Sometimes I still felt like that guy, the starving musician trying to make something of himself. It didn’t matter the level of success I’d reached, it was never good enough. I always wanted more, thinking about the next best thing. It drove my bandmates crazy, and our record label ate it the fuck up.
Loving my determination and drive.
My goddamn insanity.
Journey didn’t waver, opening the door as if she knew I wanted to haul ass out of there. She grabbed my hand and didn’t let it go, leading me to the front door and quite possibly my demise.
Fuck me.
Not only did I have to worry about the quarterback, but Harley’s old man suddenly came to mind.
“Creed still carry a gun?”
She peered back at me while we were walking. “Why are you thinking about that?”
I shrugged. “Just wanna know if I might die.”
“Creed wouldn’t murder you.”
“No, but he sure as shit wouldn’t blink an eye at fuckin’ shootin’ me.”
“Well, good thing my daddy is a doctor then. He’ll stitch you right up.”
I’d spent the last twelve years contemplating this moment. Never thinking it might actually happen in real life. It was all-consuming.
A dream.
A nightmare.
A fear of the unknown.
With every step that brought me closer to my past, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Crushing me into the concrete with each stride of my legs.
What are you doing, Cash? What the fuck are you doing here?
It was such a surreal emotion I couldn’t control. Jonesing for something, anything to take it away.
Fuck, I was going to meet my daughter.
My heart pounded, hammering outta my chest.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Faster and faster.
Fuck, I wanted to throw up.
My stomach was in knots, eating away at the uncertainty of what was to come of this.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fuckin’ breathe for the life of me.
“Cash,” Journey coaxed once we were standing at their door. Feeling as though I was standing at the gates of Hell.
This was a bad idea. This was such a bad fuckin’ idea.
“You’re going to break my hand. You need to relax.”
It was only then I noticed I was crushing her fingers in my tense grasp.
I shook my head, backing away. “Junie, I can’t do this.”
She firmly stood her ground. “Yes, you can. Trust me. Please, just trust me.” Out of nowhere, she faintly sang Bob Marley, “’Don’t worry, about a thing, ’cuz I’m gonna make it, alright.’ Do you hear me, Cash McGraw? I’m gonna make it alright.”
Yanking me back to another place in time when I was in her shoes. Frantically reaching for whatever I could to quiet the chaos in my thoughts. Except I didn’t stay there long.
Journey lifted her free hand and knocked on the door.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
It took fifteen seconds for Jackson to open the door. Fifteen seconds for his heart to drop, his blood to run cold, instantly seeing nothing but red.
Bright.
Bold.
RED.
He was seething from the inside out. His jaw clenched, and his fists tightened.
Ready to go to war.
With me.
It took fifteen fuckin’ seconds...
For me to know, I’d been right all along.
Chapter 7
“Time is still the best critic, and patience the best teacher.”
-Frédéric Chopin
<>Cash<>
I knew it. I fuckin’ knew it. Goddamn it, Journey.
His deadly stare went from my face to his baby sister’s, right down to our hands which were still locked together.
“You motherfucker!”
“Jackson!” Journey chided, caught off guard.
At least one of us was.
He stomped out of his house, shutting the door behind him.
I thought quick on my feet, letting go of her hand. This wasn’t what I wanted. It was far from it. The last thing I sought was a fight.
Surrendering, I backed away with my arms out in front of me. “It’s not what you think.”
“How fuckin’ dare you show up here?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!”
“Oh my God! This wasn’t his idea,” Journey informed. Shit really hit the fan when she added, “It was mine.”
Jackson went from zero to a hundred, he had no middle ground. Stopping dead in his tracks, his attention snapped over to her with an expression that made me sick to my stomach. I recognized it all too clearly.
Betrayal.
“You brought him back here? To my home? With my family?”
“Jackson, it’s not like that. He means you no harm.”
“Fuck him!” he roared. “What are you doing here with him?! You’re supposed to be in school!”
“You need to calm down. Everyone will hear you.”
In three long strides, he roughly grabbed onto her arm. Without thinking, I reacted. My protectiveness over her kicked into overdrive, and I immediately dragged her away from him, securely placing her behind me. Only pissing him off further.
“This has nothin’ to do wit’ her, quarterback. You come at me like a man and leave her outta this.”
His eyes widened, winded. Glaring back and forth between us, his scowl ended on me. He snapped, “Are you fucking her?”
Journey gasped, and before I could reply, I heard, “Jackson!”
I didn’t have to wonder who it was. We all knew it. In less than a minute, my fears became a reality. My gaze connected with my girl’s on pure instinct, despite not wanting to look her in the eyes. It’d hurt too fuckin’ much.
Except, Harley wasn’t my girl anymore.
And maybe...
She never had been.
Her chest rose and fell as her shocked as shit expression locked with mine. For a brief moment, time stood still, and the world stopped rotating. She was standing by the front door, wearing a long, flowy dress with her pregnant belly beneath it.
I couldn’t help but wonder if this was how she looked when pregnant with our baby girl. Instantly feeling like a much bigger piece of shit for not being there for my best friend.