“No, I just love lookin’ at your pretty face.”
“Cash, don’t do that. Don’t think you can flirt your way out of this. Is there something that can be done to help you?”
“Now that”—he sternly pointed at me—“is not up for discussion.”
“So there is something that can help you?”
“Journey, back off. I don’t wanna to talk ’bout it. Not with you.”
“What? That’s absurd! It’s okay for me to talk about my issues, but you don’t want to talk about yours? You’re shutting me out? That’s hypocritical! I thought you loved me? People who love each other share the good times and the bad. We’re talking about this, Cash. We’re talking about it right now.”
“Junie...”
“Don’t Junie me. I deserve answers! You can’t spring this on me and go mute. I want to understand. I need to understand. Is this part of the reason you drink?”
“What is this, a therapy session, Junie?”
“I’m just trying to help you.”
“Darlin’, I’ve seen the best doctors money can buy. You ain’t gonna tell me anythin’ I don’t already know. I’m not gonna risk losin’ my hearin’ faster.”
“Did your doctors tell you that?”
“It’s surgery. There’s always a risk. It will end my career! Everythin’ I worked for would be gone! I’m not willin’ to give up everythin’ to possibly get my hearin’ back!”
I stepped toward him, placing my hand over his heart. “But if it could help you hear better, then why wouldn’t you at least try?”
He pulled away. “I said I don’t wanna talk ’bout it.”
“Cash...”
“Journey, don’t. I’m not gonna listen to this shit from you too. I hear it from everyone. I don’t want your pity.”
“But I love you.”
“You don’t love me enough to marry me.”
“Oh. My. God! Don’t bring that up now. It has nothing to do with this!”
Instantly, he got down on one knee. “Then marry me.”
“Oh my God, Cash! Get up! Get up right now! You look fucking ridiculous!”
“Why won’t you marry me, Junie?”
“Look at you! Just look at you! Why on earth would I want to be married to this man at my feet. You’re a drunk, Cash! You’re always drunk!”
“I’m not drunk. Sure, I’ve thrown back a few today, but I ain’t drunk right now.”
“The fact that you just replied with right now is enough to prove my point.”
“I want to be the man you deserve, Journey. I want that more than anythin’.”
“Then prove it. Go get help. It’s obvious you can’t do it on your own, and I can’t do it for you. I’ve tried. I’ve been trying. I’m fucking exhausted from giving you my all and being shit on. It’s bigger than me, than you, than us. It has taken control, and you have to stop the madness before it destroys you completely. I can’t do this anymore, Cash. I love you too much to keep enabling you. Now please, get off your knees.”
He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, holding me as close as possible. The side of his face laid against my stomach.
“I don’t want to lose you. I can’t live without you, I’ve tried.”
“Cash ...”
“Give me a chance to make it right. I know I fucked up. I know I keep fuckin’ up. I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
“You need to love yourself first. You can’t love me the way I need, if you don’t know how to love yourself.”
“I know,” he murmured. “I called Beck. He’s figurin’ out wit’ our management how I can go for treatment without the press findin’ out. At least not immediately.”
I peered down at him, and he gazed up at me. “Do you mean that?”
“I swear it.”
More truths or lies?
<>Cash<>
From the moment I was born, I was cursed like she was. Journey and I had so much in common, proving we truly were soul mates. I wouldn’t risk anything to fuck up the career I’d worked my ass off for.
Not even if it brought back my hearing.
Staring deep into her eyes, I vowed, “Pinky promise for life, darlin’.”
“Cash—”
Her cell phone rang, but she ignored it.
“I want to believe you, but I don’t know if I can.”
“I don’t lie to you. You know that.”
I did want to get help, but I couldn’t continue to live like this. I was slowly killing myself, and I was fuckin’ tired of it. I wanted to have a normal life, to finally be able to look in the mirror and feel proud of the man peering back at me. I spent too much time living in the past. Too many wasted years on things I couldn’t change.
I gave up.
I surrendered.
She was right. This was bigger than anything I could handle on my own.
“Junie, I—”
Her phone rang again, bringing both of our attention over to the nightstand.
I released her. “Go.” Standing, I made my way to the bathroom to splash some water on my face.
Hearing her say, “Hello,” as I passed the threshold.
When I stepped back into the room, Journey looked like she’d seen a ghost with her phone gripped so firmly, her knuckles had turned white.
They say everything happens for a reason. Your life could change in an instant, one moment in time, and you never even saw it coming. There was no preparing for it. No battle to be won. I’d experienced this emotion several times in my life.
This was the night everything changed for me.
She didn’t say a word, staring in a fog of whatever was tearing her apart.
“Journey.”
Her petrified glare snapped over, meeting my concerned gaze.
“What, baby?”
Her mouth parted, and she breathed out, “My mom just called,” so low I could barely hear her.
“Alright,” I coaxed, anxiously waiting for her to tell me what was going on.
She took a deep breath, and hesitated for a few seconds before she divulged in a shaky tone, “I’m so sorry, Cash.”
“Junie, what is it?”
I’d never forget this moment for the rest of my life. In slow motion, I saw my whole world crumble to pieces upon me.
All when she announced, “It’s your dad. He’s in the ICU. He’s been shot.”
Chapter 31
“Until things are brighter. I am the man in black.”
-Johnny Cash
<>Cash<>
Rock bottom.
Two words I’d heard time and time again.
Two words I’d never understood until this very second.
Two fuckin’ words that had the power to bring me to my goddamn knees. Praying to the almighty Lord above this wasn’t his time to leave us.
I stood there in my father’s hospital room, staring at all the machines as if they were bombs about to explode all around me.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
He looked like he’d aged since the last time I saw him five and a half months ago. I honestly couldn’t believe he was the same man who’d raised me. My father had always been so strong, so full of life, so resilient. I never thought I would see him possibly take his last breaths in front of me.