“I’m at my best when I’m on stage, or in a studio. It feels like home to me. I can show the world how I feel inside without any hesitation, but when it comes to allowin’ myself time to heal and process, I go straight down a dark alley. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many things I’d do differently. I know words have power, and I used mine to the best of my ability. Especially when it came down to hurtin’ the ones I loved the most.” I bowed my head, trying to gather my composure.
“I’m workin’ my steps, you know? And my sponsor says I need to ask for forgiveness from the people I have hurt, and I’m like Christ, man, that could take the rest of my life.”
The room erupted into laughter, making me feel more at ease to continue.
“You see, I’m my own worst enemy. My pride has always been my biggest downfall. I know now that there is no in between. I go to a meetin’ or I drink. Bottom line. I’m in recovery, but I’ll never be recovered. I’m an alcoholic, an addict until the day I die,” I paused to let my words sink in.
“The more I got away wit’, the more invincible I thought I was. It’s a slippery rope. I’m successful, I have all the money in the world. Why do I have to change? I didn’t have consequences. As my June would say, I was a functionin’ alcoholic. It’s a disease that preys on your weaknesses. It hangs and doesn’t let you go for anything. It’s so easy to allow it to take control ’cuz it becomes stronger than you. Stronger than anythin’ you’ve ever felt before. It’s hard to admit you’re not perfect, and comin’ from a perfectionist it makes it even harder. The bottle was my security blanket. It was there when I thought I had no one to turn to. It became my only family, my best friend, the love of my life. My addiction.”
It felt good to talk about the things I spent my life hiding from.
“I can’t live in the past anymore. It’s done nothin’ but drag me down and kept me there. I was a slave to my demons who knew how to play me like a fiddle. Everyone has that little voice in the back of their minds that guide them to decipher between right and wrong. I drowned out that voice every chance I got. It became second nature. Normal. Comfortin’. It was disguised as my refuge when in fact it was my Hell. A purgatory I created for myself. Where I shut people out. I wish I would have been stronger and fought against the cravin’ to lose myself. Addiction is a powerful son of a bitch. And the worst part is it knows how to take you down without you even realizin’ it.” I took a deep breath, inhaling in and out.
“I try to find solid ground every day of my life. I have the support of my family, and it took me a long time to realize I’ve always had their support in one way or another. I’ve let a lot of people down. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I carry around guilt and shame like it’s my guitar. Don’t all rock stars?” I anxiously chuckled, peering around the room.
Gazing from the boys, to Journey and her family, to my mother and sisters. Everyone who loved me was there, hearing my story for the first time.
Except, the one person who mattered.
The one person I wanted the most.
“It’s why we turn to music. The noise takes everythin’ away. The energy, the pulse, the beats, and the fact that we can scream, shout, and hit things and get admired for it. We can’t write the lyrics if we don’t know what it means to feel every word. In the end, I lost people who were most important to me. I hit rock bottom the day I figured that out. My therapist tells me I have never been able to talk ’bout my emotions, and that’s been the cause of most of my issues.”
My mom smiled and winked at me, providing me with the bravery to keep going.
“Here’s the thing, I just wanted to prove everyone wrong. I have congenital hearin’ loss, and I didn’t want it to hold me back. I made damn sure it didn’t. Never realizin’ I was slowly causin’ my demise. Tearin’ rifts between the people I love. When you’re young, you think you know everythin’. You think you’re invincible, and you have all the time in the world to make things right. It’s all a lie. An illusion. I’m scared every mornin’ when I wake up. I have feelins’, emotions, and memories I struggle wit’ every day. I fight wit’ myself, wit’ my mind, wit’ my sobriety. I don’t want to walk down another dark alley,” I sincerely spoke, rubbing the back of my neck.
“The biggest difference in my life right now is I know how to ask for help. I’m still learnin’ my triggers, and I’ll continue to learn ’em as I go through this thing called life. I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, I’m more ashamed than anyone could possibly understand. I’m learnin’ to forgive myself. I’m learnin’ to love myself, and for the first time I’m here, wantin’ to get better. For me. I can’t do it for anyone but me.”
Journey wiped away a tear.
“And I know wit’ all my heart ... my father would say—”
“I’m so damn proud of you.”
All eyes tore to my old man, who was standing beside the stage. The closest to me. Standing tall and honored to be near his son.
I smiled at him, feeling the support and love he’d always had for me. Somewhere along the line, I lost sense of his devotion. It got twisted into my insecurities. Causing me to spiral down the rabbit hole of uncertainty and darkness.
“I thought I lost my hero,” I confessed my biggest fear. “But I should have known better. He’s Superman, and he once promised me he’d always be by my side, ’cuz there was nowhere else he’d rather be than wit’ his boy.”
My father nodded, the pride in his expression radiating off of him and into my heart and soul.
“I love you, Pops,” I expressed my last truth for everyone to hear.
“Thank you for savin’ my life.”
Chapter 34
“Remind yourself nobody’s built like you. You design yourself.”
-Jay Z
<>Cash<>
Giselle hugged me. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
“I always knew you’d do great things, Cash. Your disability was never going to hold you back. I never stopped believing in you.” She pulled away. “You know that, right?”
I nodded.
“Mom said you were considering surgery?”
“Mom has a big mouth.”
“Hey!” Ma interrupted. “We keep no secrets in this family.”
I chuckled, arching an eyebrow.
“You were amazing up there, Cash. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you.” She tugged me into her arms, whispering in my ear, “I always knew you’d find your way home. I had faith and never lost sight of that despite everything. I love you so much.”
I kissed her cheek. “I love you too, Ma.”
To have my mother back in my life was something I never thought would happen. I missed her the most out of everyone.
She’d always been my rock.
My cheerleader.
My home.
We fell right back into the loving relationship we’d always had, as if no time had passed between us.
For the past year, I’d been living in Oak Island, surrounded by family and friends. The boys and our management team understood I needed a break to heal. It felt good to step out of the limelight to focus on my sobriety and mending the wrongs I’d caused. For the first ninety days, I’d lived at a rehab facility. Once that was completed, I extended my stay for another three months. The center had been my home for six months of this year. The program helped tremendously in developing structure and a positive daily routine in my life.