Last night, we had THE TALK. You know… the one about the future. About what we both want. He told me he sees us married with children, and as much as that topic used to scare me off, it didn’t this time. I believe everyone has one person. One perfect match. Jack Moore is mine. He’s not perfect, and he makes me mad sometimes. But he’s perfect for me. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why. But I do know that I can’t imagine my life without him. I do know that when he talks about the future, I like it. I didn’t even gag when he brought up marriage. I never thought I’d be that girl. But the thought of marrying this boy, well, it gives me all sorts of butterflies. We’re going to keep that little confession right here in this book.
The thing is—Jack encourages me to pursue my dreams. I can go after everything I want with him by my side. I love that about him. So, you heard it here first. Someday I’m going to marry that boy.
I used to think you had to choose. You know, between a career and a relationship. As much as I love my mom, I want more out of life. Mom is content being a wife and a mother. I never saw that as my path. I’ve always wanted to make a name for myself. Accomplish things. Impact the world. But I realize now that I can have both. I can do all of those things and be a wife and a mom. Who knew? LOL. Okay, off to work. I have places to be, and people to impress. Oh, and a hot fireman who is taking me to dinner tonight. Does it get any better than this life that I’m living? I don’t think so.
Ciao for now,
J.E.
I laughed as I closed Mom’s journal and tucked it back in my desk drawer. Even though she wasn’t here with me, she was always teaching me about life through her words. And she was right. Life was filled with gray areas. I had always been a black and white type of girl, and I was learning that gray areas weren’t the worst thing in the world. You couldn’t control who you loved, or the curve balls life threw at you. And there was no hard and fast rule on forgiveness. And I needed to remember that.
My phone vibrated beside me.
Cruz ~ Good luck today, rock star. You’re going to kick ass. You never sent me the lyrics you wrote. I’m dying here, More Jade. Give me something.
I laughed. It had been a few days and I was still holding back.
Turns out, Cruz Winslow was my gray area.
I pulled up the lyrics on my laptop before sending them to him. I didn’t really know if they were actual lyrics, or just my thoughts. But I’d been working on this since I left for Honduras. I wanted him to know how I felt about him. I’d tried so hard to make him believe that I’d moved on and was dating other people, but the reality was—I hadn’t moved on at all. I’d just kept him at a distance. That’s why I didn’t share this with him before now. I’d been punishing him for what happened, and it was time to let it go. To forgive. To remember that we’re all human and imperfect. I’d been holding on to anger and it was time to make peace with it. I didn’t include a message with the email. I just sent what I’d written, because I knew he’d understand.
I’m so alone and lost right now,
Want to forget but don’t know how.
This broken heart beats just for you,
How to move forward—don’t have a clue.
You woke me up, you made me whole,
My trust, my heart, you all but stole.
But broken hearts take time to mend,
Don’t want to lose my closest friend.
You showed me life in a new light,
Bright and shiny and worth the fight.
Losing you, means losing me,
Don’t know how to act or who to be.
I want you back but it’s too soon,
My everything—my sun, my moon.
Loving someone beyond the norm,
Means allowing your heart to be ripped and torn.
My safe cocoon tucked deep inside,
Protect my heart and try to hide.
You’re such a force, so hard to fight,
My painful cries haunt me at night.
There’s no one else I’ll ever love,
Not another soul to the sky above.
My one and only, that is you,
My only love, you know it’s true.
I dream that you are holding me,
On the beach and running free.
Sing me songs deep from your soul,
I am yours, and finally whole.
Don’t give up on me, time will tell,
To heal and love and not to dwell.
Clinging hard to my safe place,
Scared to see your beautiful face.
Those honeyed eyes see right through me,
They know just who I want to be.
I miss you more than I can say,
My love for you grows every day.
My heart beats slow when not with you,
My only love, my only Cruz.
A weight lifted off my shoulders once I hit send. I’d finally said everything I needed to, and I was ready to move forward. Whatever that meant. Cruz would be gone for the next month on his European tour, so we had time to figure things out. I needed to be on my own right now, but I was ready to let go of all this anger and fear. I closed my laptop and grabbed my bag and started my trek over to the medical school. The future was bright, and I was ready.
For all of it.
Several hours later, after interviewing with a doctor, a professor and a student, I was done. I was hit with an overwhelming sense of relief. I felt like it went well, and I didn’t let my nerves get the best of me.
“How’d it go?” Richard asked as we walked out together. We’d both interviewed on the same day.
“I think it went well. I feel good,” I said, reaching in my purse to turn on my phone. I promised Dad, Cruz and Ari I’d text them right after.
“Long day, huh?” he said. We’d arrived at the interview first thing this morning, and six hours later we were finally heading home.
“Yes. I’m glad to be done.” I laughed and waved goodbye when it was time to veer off to my house. “See you later.”
“Yeah, see ya, Jade.”
I was glad Richard and I could remain friends. When I walked through the door, I dropped down on the couch and saw a text from Cruz.
Cruz ~ Powerful words, baby. You gutted me—but in the best way. Best lyrics I’ve ever read. Straight from the heart. Can’t wait to discuss when I see you. Boarding the plane now for London. Let me know how the interview went. Love you more.
I was happy he was impressed by what I’d written. I shot everyone a quick group text to let them know I was done, and it went well. Ari came bounding through the front door.