I crossed my legs and wiped my hands on my black scrub pants. I studied the blisters and the small cuts covering my palms. They were my battle wounds for the work I’d been doing, and I was beyond proud to be here. Exactly where I needed to be right now.
I’d been thinking a lot about the miscarriage I’d had last year. It was still difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that I’d been pregnant, and I’d lost the baby before I could even process what was happening. My heart ached for a child I’d never known. For what could have been. Something I wasn’t ready for—yet I felt the loss deep in my soul.
“Ganzo,” Rosa shouted out in laughter when she tapped the top of my head and took off running.
I hurried to my feet and pretended I was trying to catch her until she took her spot next to Jessica. She smiled up at me, her breaths coming fast and hard, and my chest squeezed.
Yep. I was exactly where I needed to be right now.
After I got out of the shower, I towel dried my hair and brushed it away from my face. It felt good to be clean, even if the water was ice cold. I slipped on a pair of shorts and a tank top and slathered my skin in lotion before applying more bug spray.
“Everyone’s outside playing soccer. And did I mention there’s tequila involved?” Jessica called out from the doorway.
I laughed. “Okay. I’ll be right out.”
“See you out there,” she said before walking away.
I looked to see if we had any reception so I could check my emails. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything from the AAMC, the place I’d submitted my medical school apps, and our Wi-Fi was shoddy, so I checked often. So far, so good. It looked like my application was complete, and I was good for now. I sent Dad a quick text to tell him I loved him. I texted him every other day as promised to let him know I was doing okay.
A new text from Cruz popped up. It had been another week. He’d stuck to the plan to text weekly and not daily over the last few weeks, which was very un-Cruz of him. Patience had never been his strong suit. He’d finished his thirty days in rehab and was back on tour with Exiled. I was impressed he’d completed the program, but I kept our texts very much on the surface. He tried to take things deeper, but I didn’t want to go there. He surprised me by respecting my wishes and not pushing.
Cruz ~ Hey. How are you? What did you build today? How’s Rosa?
I sucked in a breath. Almost like I could feel him right here with me. There was a dull ache in my chest that hadn’t left since the day I’d come to Honduras.
I dropped to sit on Jessica’s lower bunk and leaned my back against the wall.
Me ~ Rosa’s great. We only have one more day to finish our work for the Martinez family, so I’ll be sad to say goodbye. We completed their hygiene station today. I’ll send you a pic. It looks great. How are you? How’s the band? Lennon? Adam? Are you still doing the MMA training now that you’re on the road?
I had so many questions for him. I shouldn’t ask. I shouldn’t care. But I did. And I said we could be friends for now. And friends care about one another, right? Right.
Cruz ~ Lennon’s still an asshole but he’s doing great. He and Bailey are nauseatingly in love most of the time. You would love seeing him like this. Adam is good. Tory has been traveling with us, so that’s cool. Yes, I’m training a lot. Five days a week. We brought our trainer, Gio, on tour, so everyone is working out now. LOL. I started another class and should graduate in December.
I swiped at the tear running down my cheek. I was proud of him. But it hadn’t been that long. He needed time to get himself together and so did I. But it was so easy to fall back into needing him. And wanting him. I wouldn’t allow myself to go there. I closed my eyes and remembered how it felt to wake up on that hotel room floor. After I’d been unconscious for hours.
Hours.
I could have died.
And Cruz was right there, in the next room. No. I needed to stay strong.
Me ~ That’s amazing, Cruz. I’m happy for you. For all of you. How’s your mom doing?
Cruz ~ She’s doing really well. She does yoga every day and she seems a lot happier. My dad is holding up their divorce, of course he doesn’t want to make it easy on her. He’s still an asshole.
Me ~ He really is. He’s put her through a lot. Please give her my best.
Cruz ~ Your dad is really missing you. I was in town a couple days ago, and I met him for lunch. It was great to see him.
Me ~ Yeah. He told me he saw you. How was he?
They’d been close when Cruz and I were together, and my dad had taken on a fatherly role with him.
Cruz ~ Really good. I think he and Sara are getting pretty serious. He talked about her a lot.
My chest squeezed. I wanted my dad to find someone, and I loved Sara.
Me ~ Yeah. I think it’s been a long time coming. That was nice of you to go to lunch with him. I’m sure he appreciated it.
Cruz ~ You know I love your dad. He’s as salt of the earth as you get. Just like you.
“Jade, you coming out?” Richard peeked his head in the doorway.
I jumped off the bed and hurried to my feet. I don’t know why I felt guilty taking a minute to myself, but I did. There wasn’t a lot of alone time here at the compound.
“Yeah, I’ll be right there.”
He studied my face. “You okay?”
“Yep. I’m good. See you in a minute.”
He walked away, and I typed out a quick message.
Me ~ He’s the best. I hope I got some of that goodness from him. I need to go. There’s a soccer game going on outside, and they’re one man down.
Cruz ~ Okay, I love you, Jade.
My eyes watered and I took in a deep breath to try to push away the enormous lump in the back of my throat. Why did this always happen?
Me ~ I love you too. Bye.
It was the one thing I couldn’t deny him. I loved him. I didn’t say I loved him more, which had always been our shtick. I couldn’t go there. But I also couldn’t deny how much I loved him. But I could protect my heart from getting hurt again. The love was there. It always would be. It didn’t mean it was good for me to act on it. It wasn’t. And I wouldn’t. But I could still feel it. I could still feel everything about Cruz.
I dropped my phone in my backpack and jogged outside. Back to my reality. My new normal. I shook off the sad feeling weighing me down and ran to the end of the field where Jessica and Richard stood.
“It’s about time. Come on. Get in here. We’re getting our asses kicked,” Richard said. He raised his T-shirt to wipe his forehead, putting his chiseled abs on display for everyone to see.