“Nursery equipment is really expensive, Nathan,” I say quietly.
“I have money. Besides, when I get my hands on Caleb’s trust fund you can pay me back.” He winks and my heart flutters with glee.
“How are you going to do that?”
He smiles wickedly. “I’m taking my father to court.”
My mouth drops open. “Just for Caleb’s trust fund?”
“Yes and my own, they’re what our grandfather left us, not what my father gave us. The only reason he could touch them is because we were stupid enough to keep them in their original accounts. My dad had been placed on both accounts to oversee them before we became of age. I never thought he’d do something so callous.” He steps over to the small desk where he usually leaves his keys and opens a small drawer beneath it. I watch as he flicks through a bunch of envelopes before finding the right one and tucking it into his pocket. “It’s not a large amount; it’s more the principle than anything.”
“Wow.” I’m not sure what to say. “So, this house used to be your grandfather’s?” He nods in response. “Why’d he leave it to you and not Caleb?”
“Guilt,” he says, his tone deep and dangerous.
“Guilt?”
“Yes.”
I wait for him to explain but he doesn’t. “Okay. Do you... umm… want to do something?”
He looks regretful for a moment. “I actually have to go to the city to deal with a few things.”
“Oh, okay.” I take a step away from the door. “Well, drive safely.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me how long I’ll be gone?” He looks surprised for a moment but his blank mask quickly falls into place.
“You told me to respect your privacy,” I respond and twirl a lock of my hair around my finger. “Have a good trip.”
He thanks me and reaches for the door but stops before his hand touches the handle. “I’ll be back late this evening.”
“I’ll leave your dinner in the oven.”
His eyes burn into mine with an emotion I can’t read and don’t care to explore further. “Thank you.”
I start to make my way to the stairs when he calls out my name. I wince and glance back over my shoulder at him. What does he want now? Light brown eyes linger on me for what seems to be a long time. “You have twigs in your hair.”
My mouth drops open as my hands frantically feel my head for said twigs. When I manage to find the last one and pull it loose, Nathan has already gone.
He couldn’t have told me that when he was stood right in front of me? Or maybe that’s why he was stood so close. Maybe he was going to pull them out himself.
Nah.
I race up to my room and immediately take the picture of Caleb from my pocket. Taking a sticker from an old label, I rip it in half and stick that part over his nude area. I want to see his face, the rest I don’t mind missing out on.
He looks miserable and it hurts my heart. Parents can be bastards. My mum has naked pictures of me and I used to scream at her when she got them out to show my friends. He also looks adorable. His almost chocolate irises are shining so brightly considering this picture is most likely an old Polaroid.
“I miss you, baby,” I say softly and touch his chubby cheek. “I wonder if Caleb junior will look like you. Is it wrong that I want him to, almost as much as I don’t? I don’t know what will hurt worse, if he does or he doesn’t. If he does, I’ll be constantly reminded of what we’ve both lost. If he doesn’t, I won’t get to gaze upon your face every single day for the rest of my life.” I fold it up and put it back in my pocket.
Tears fill my eyes as I imagine my deceased fiancé standing directly behind me, moving the hair from my neck like he did so many times and placing his lips in the spot he cleared. Every time he did this I shivered and my skin broke out in goose bumps. My knickers would soak in seconds and usually his hand would snake around my waist and slide between my trousers and my underwear.
Just thinking about it makes me tingle in ways I shouldn’t. My own hand follows the trail that Caleb’s hand left so many times. It’s harder with my stomach in the way, so I pop the button of my jeans and dip my fingers directly into the wetness that seeps from my core. A sharp breath leaves me as I imagine Caleb’s hand working that sensitive nub. I do it exactly the same way he used to, circling slowly, picking up the pace as his other hand came up to tease my nipple. My hand follows this movement and I squeeze my full breast in one hand, still teasing my clit with the other.
Burning spreads through me and my mind conjures how it felt to have his lips and tongue tasting my neck, as my ears pick up on words once spoken but no longer there.
It starts in my clit before spreading up and around to every sensitive spot on my body. My nipples become erect; at this moment he’d press it with his thumb like a button before rolling it gently between his thumb and finger.
A strangled cry escapes me as I bring myself to the edge, my hand working quickly in my pants. I want to push my fingers inside but I can’t reach, my stomach won’t let me.
“Oh god,” I breathe and continue my movements.
My eyes seem to darken as the burning and tingling focuses on one place in my lower stomach. I gasp and rub harder, willing it to burst forth.
It does and I almost fall to my knees but manage to free the hand teasing my breast and grip the desk with it. “Ah,” I cry out as my breath comes out in pants and the explosive climax tears through me, ripping my body to shreds before finally piecing it back together with the lingering pleasure that lasts a few seconds after.
With one final shudder I collapse to the ground and cry. My body is exhausted and sated but my true desire is nowhere near fulfilled, nor will it ever be again.
It’s been a while since I felt like screaming, but now the need to is almost unbearable.
Instead I stagger into the bathroom, turn on the shower and step under the cool spray without removing my clothes first. I should never have done that. I’ve never needed to do that before. Caleb was always the one to turn me on and finish me off. Every single time.
Not once during our entire relationship did I ever pleasure myself.
Now I just feel guilty and dirty. Why did I do that? I shouldn’t even be feeling horny after everything that’s happened. I’m weak.
Weak and stupid.
I’m lonely.
I’m lonely and tired, tired of being alone.
Chapter Fifteen
I remember when Sasha told me not to lose myself to a darkness I’ll never be able to climb out of. She was right, but she was also wrong. Caleb was my light. Sure there’s darkness that I can’t climb out of, but not because I lost myself, it’s because I lost him.
The week drags on and nothing new or exciting happens. I continue cooking for an invisible man and cleaning with Jeanine. I search for photos, notes and other things that may prove to me that Caleb once existed and ran through this house.
Unfortunately I find nothing and I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t started looking in the first place. The amount of disappointment I feel each time I don’t find anything just pushes me further into that darkness.