At dinner Nathan pulls out a large folder full of laminated sheets of paper. I glance at it as he flicks through each page. He uses a marker to write notes on certain items of jewellery and occasionally asks me what I think of the ones I see. Mostly I like them. A couple of them I don’t, but not because they aren’t good, only because they aren’t my style. My opinion doesn’t really matter, though, because he needs a diverse range.
Fortunately, having already been in the business, he knows how to kick start this kind of thing. I don’t have a clue so I just promise that I’ll keep him well fed and thoroughly entertained throughout the experience. His smile tells me he appreciates it.
After dinner he takes the folder, plus two more, into the living area and spreads them out on the table and ground. I watch as he brings down an easel of sorts and starts cutting out smaller images of his designs and placing them in groups on single sheets of A2 sized paper.
His concentration is mesmerising. I’m not sure why, but watching him in his element, murmuring to himself and darting back and forth, makes it impossible for me to keep my eyes off him.
Eventually he removes his jacket and rolls the sleeves of his shirt up.
I keep his coffee filled and nurse a Horlicks by the open fire.
“Just a second.” His voice disturbs the silence, followed by him leaving the room.
I wait, although it’s not like I’m doing much else.
“Here.” And he’s back. Damn, his footsteps are almost silent. I didn’t hear him until he was walking into the room. “Lift your hair.”
“Why?” I eye the arm that is hiding behind his back.
“Please?” He places his free hand on my shoulder and gives it a reassuring squeeze.
I relent and lift my hair.
“Close your eyes,” he whispers, so I do.
Something flat and cool taps against the swells of my breasts, a thin chain following as his fingers trail around my neck and clasp it at the back. He pulls my wrists away, allowing me to release my hair.
I daren’t open my eyes. Obviously I do eventually and my hand and eyes immediately go to the unique, flat pendant hanging from my neck. My breath rushes into my lungs and stays there. “Nathan…”
“I know you said you couldn’t accept it before, but I need to see it on somebody. I want you to have it.” He kneels in front of me. Is that a camera in his hand? “It fits you. Perfectly in fact.”
Shit. What do I say? He’s already given me so much. This is… it’s beautiful and I adore it, but how can I accept it?
“I’d like to take a picture.” His gloved hands rest on my knees. “If you don’t mind.”
“I look like a frizzy freak.”
“Quiet, you look beautiful,” He moves back and sits on the table. “It’s just to capture the necklace against your skin.”
Nothing to do with my boobs then? “Sure. How do you want me?”
Did he just squirm? Nah. I’m imagining things, although his cheeks are slightly flushed. It’s probably because he just ran upstairs and back down again. “Okay.” He raises the camera to his face and looks at me through the lens. “Relax.”
That’s hard to do when you’re suddenly under a spotlight you never wanted to be under. I duck my head and tuck my hair behind my ear, waiting for him to finish.
“Hold it, with just your thumb and finger,” he says and helps me move my hand into place. “Excellent.” A few more clicks sound before he finally finishes and I release the breath from my lungs. “Thank you.”
“Want a cookie?”
“You made cookies?”
I nod and climb to my feet. “I’ll fetch them.”
As soon as I enter the kitchen, I splash water on my face and pour myself a drink, trying to get rid of the heated feeling in my stomach, trying to get rid of his almost chocolate eyes dilating in between each shot. There is something horribly wrong with me.
Caleb. Forgive me.
I’m lost without you, mind included. I think you took it with you.
Could you please send it back at some point? If I’m to live without you, I’m going to need it.
“Gwen?”
“Jesus!” I squeal and drop the glass in the sink. It doesn’t break but it does splash water onto my front.
He chuckles and hands me a few pieces of kitchen roll. “You’re acting odd tonight.”
My mouth drops open. Is he serious? “Yes… well…” I look at his sparkling eyes and relaxed stance and sigh. I’m not going to drag it up tonight. The proposal can be addressed another night, though I hope he doesn’t think my avoidance of it is because I’m thinking about it. I’m not even going to consider it. I should just say no.
“I’m just tired.”
“It has been a long night. Go to bed.” He tilts his head to the side and assesses me for a moment. “Is there something you want to talk about?”
“No, not at all.” I’m such a terrible liar. “I think I’ll just go to sleep. You should too.”
He smirks, his lips parting slightly in the middle. “Is that an invitation?” I gasp in horror as his hands fly up in surrender. “Kidding. I’m just kidding around.”
“I know,” I lie and push Caleb from my mind. His face keeps flashing before my eyes and, as much as I love seeing him, he shouldn’t be witnessing this conversation.
I’m going nuts. It’s official.
“Go to bed.” He steps to the side, giving me space to pass. “Goodnight, Gwen.”
“Night,” I murmur in response and waddle as quickly as possible to the stairs and then to my room.
In bed I touch the necklace resting on my chest and admire the small red jewel at the top left of it. I wrap my hand around it, the one with my engagement ring. It’s one of the only reminders I have that Caleb existed. The gold band lightly touches the flat gold disk and my tears of frustration fall.
I need to distance myself from Nathan. He needs to know that I can’t ever be that to him. I know he thinks he’s being noble or something along those lines, but he doesn’t have to be. Why would he give up a lifetime of happiness to be with someone who will never love him that way?
Starting tomorrow I’ll make it clearer. It’ll be as clear as crystal.
We’re friends and friends only.
Maybe I should leave but I can barely even comprehend the thought of going back to my mum’s. I don’t trust her. It sounds horrible but I genuinely don’t trust her to keep her word and I doubt I’ll be as happy with her as I am here with Nathan.
Plus… I think he needs me.
I think he needs me almost as much as I need him.
******
The next day I don’t get a chance to hint to Nathan about our current relationship status as he left immediately after breakfast. He looked exhausted but determined so I packed him a lunch, straightened his tie and sent him on his way. Then I kicked myself for not keeping myself at a distance.
When he got home he had a quick dinner, almost sleeping at the table. I sent him up to bed immediately, a little worried about him.
It’s now dinner time the next night and he’s still up there. He hasn’t left his room once. I want to go up to see if he’s okay, but I daren’t invade his space.