I elbow him in the side, making him stagger in jest. “I’m kidding, you’re glowing actually.”
“Yay.”
“You still say that?” He chuckles, coming back to my side.
I blow out a breath. “Not much.”
“So, spill all.” Ah great, the serious tone.
“All of what?”
“Everything, don’t hold back, I can take it.”
But can I? “I’m doing better.”
“No you’re not.” The look he gives me is one I’ve seen on Tommy before. It shows disbelief, sorrow and pity. I hate pity but I don’t hate him, I never could, so I let it slide. “I mean, you are, but I can see that you still struggle.”
“It’s been a four months,” I respond quietly, tucking my hair behind my ear. “It hurts every day.”
“And Nathan?”
“Seeing him at first made it hurt more, but now it’s gradually becoming a comfort. He’s nothing like Caleb.” I smile softly at how close we’ve become over the past month. “He doesn’t have Caleb’s easy smile, or constant hyper activeness and excitement for life. He’s secluded, withdrawn but when he smiles, it makes all the bad stuff disappear for a while.”
“What?” Tommy seems as startled by my words as I am.
I rush to defend myself. “I mean, at first I thought he hated me. I hated him a little bit, but now I’m happy to say we’re friends. He’s grumpy, completely intolerable but one of the nicest people I know.”
“Huh.” He looks up at the sky.
“How is university?”
“It’s good, but you already know that. It’s getting dark, we should head back.”
“We’ve only been walking for five minutes.” I laugh and tilt my head towards the greying sky.
“Yeah, well, Sasha’s on her own,” he lies because obviously she’s not.
“Whatever.” He’s probably tired and doesn’t want to admit it. “Thanks for coming, Tommy.”
He smiles down at me, his arm still around my shoulder. “I’ve missed you.” A shadow flits across his eyes. “I miss how things used to be.”
That hits me hard, too hard. It’s remarkable how things can change in just a few short months. “Me too.”
The house comes back into view. I look up at its glowing windows and think about my future. A few months ago my future was with Caleb, in our little house, finishing school, getting a job and a decent placement.
Now my future is here.
As bright as that may seem, which it should be because I’ve been a lot more fortunate than most, it still fills me with a dread I can’t explain, like an impending darkness is closing in on me. This isn’t the life that I want, but it’s the life that I have. I have other options but none of them seem better than the option I’ve taken.
Am I being selfish?
After all of this time am I now just realising that I’m using Nathan?
Am I using Nathan?
I don’t think I am. I genuinely like him and I’m certain he likes me. It’s all so weird. After seeing my friends in this atmosphere with Nathan instead of Caleb, none of it is clicking right and I feel like I need to explain the situation to them. I feel like I should defend myself and my choices, even though I know they’re not judging me.
I feel guilt.
Well-deserved guilt that I should feel each and every day for still breathing when he’s not.
Now that I can see my friends in front of me, I see my old life. I see my old life clashing with my new one. I’m assuming this is the reason I’m feeling so off about everything. Maybe it’ll pass.
Hopefully it’ll pass.
“Where’s Nathan’s car gone?” I ask aloud as we walk past his empty parking space.
“How should I know? Maybe he went to get milk or something.” Tommy suggests and I snort. Like Nathan would go out at night to get milk. Not unless I asked. Plus we have milk, we have plenty.
I open the door and step inside before Tommy. Sasha peeks around the kitchen door. “Hey, the drinks are ready.”
“Where’s Nathan?” I ask, glancing around to confirm what I already know; he’s not here.
“He left a minute or so after you guys, said to tell you he had some things to take care of.”
“Did he mention what things?” I ask, knowing full well he wouldn’t have said anything to Sasha.
She gives a shrug. “I don’t know. He had a large brown envelope in his hands though.”
A large envelope? “Probably something for work.”
“Yeah.”
How did I not hear his car? Or see it? We weren’t that far from the house.
He’s like a ninja, even in a car.
“Okay,” I say with a smile but inside I’m nervous. Nathan usually only leaves unexpectedly when he’s pissed off about something. Also, he always tells me that he’s leaving. “Where’s my milk?”
“Do you still do that?” Sasha asks, handing me the warm cup of golden tinted milk.
What?
She notices my look of confusion and continues, “The milk and honey on a Friday.”
“Oh.” That. “Not often. Nathan did it with me once, not long after I came here. It’s a family tradition apparently, one he doesn’t stick to.” I look at my friends and force a smile. “Come on, I want to know about you guys. Tell me what I’ve missed.”
Sasha brightens a little. Tommy places his chin on his hands, his elbows resting on the table. “I’m dating someone,” Sasha begins, her face animated with joy. “He’s so sweet.”
Tommy rolls his eyes when she’s not looking, making me thin my lips in an attempt to stifle the giggle that’s rising up my throat.
“He bought me flowers on the first date,” she swoons. “And he opened the car door for me. It was so…”
“Sweet?” Tommy interjects and her face brightens further. “Exactly!”
“That’s great.” I smile at my friend. “It’s about time you met somebody decent.”
Tommy snorts and lowers his head. Sasha’s smile soon turns into a frown. “What is your problem?”
“Nothing.” He waves her off and looks at me. “If I have to hear one more freaking time about how freaking sweet this guy is, I’m going to gradually turn into sugar.”
I snigger and Sasha shoots her frown my way. My hands go up in surrender but my smile is still there. “I think it’s sweet. Tell me more.”
“His dad is the manager of a restaurant in town and he wants to take it to new heights. He started late but his skills are impressive. He cooked for me and oh man, it was like an orgasm in my mouth.” She groans with delight at the memory. It’s almost disturbing to see. And this is just over his food. I can only imagine what she’ll be like when they do the deed.
Wait. “Have you done the deed?” My presumptuous tone makes her cheeks turn pink, just around her nose. “Oh my god, you have.”
“No!” She practically squawks. It’s that ‘bird like’ of a noise, I’m surprised feathers haven’t burst from her arms.
Tommy rubs his ears as his face scrunches in pain. “Ouch.”