My eyes burn, knowing that in some small way I’ve helped him along with the healing process. Even if it only applies to me and Dillan, I’m glad to have helped in some way. “You’re an amazing person, Nathan.”
His tongue comes out to tease his lower lip, his eyes going back to the window where they were looking when I first walked in. “I’ll never intentionally hurt you. You know that right?”
Well that’s a random conversation flip. “I know.” And I do know. I trust him more than anyone else.
The mysteriousness of this new conversation doesn’t end. “I make a lot of mistakes when I’m mad. I didn’t…” He pauses, thinking on his words for a moment. “I didn’t have the best upbringing. That’s not to say I want you to feel obligated to me in any way. I just want you to know that I’m not used to being this close to somebody. Even Caleb. I’ve always been secluded.” He laughs coolly, his lips a thin line. “I don’t even have any friends.”
“I’m your friend.”
“Yes.” His eyes become distant for a moment. “You are. But just know that whatever I do, if it hurts you, it’s not intentional. I just don’t know how to do this.”
“What are you talking about?” Why do I get the feeling like he’s warning me for something that has yet to come?
“Nothing, I’m just pointing out a major flaw in my personality.” He sighs long and deeply, the lines around his eyes showing how many concerns he has on his mind.
I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say. Instead I slide onto his lap, mindful of the baby on his chest, and rest my head against his neck. He presses his lips to my hair and strokes my arm with his free hand.
******
“Oh my god, look at him!” My mum sniffs and cradles Dillan to her bosom.
Nathan keeps his eyes on his newspaper but the way he spreads it out is slightly more aggressive than usual, his arms jerking to flick it in the air, stopping it from bending. He really doesn’t like my mum and she’s only been here an hour.
“And look at you, I wish my body got back to normal that fast.” She gives me a pout whilst eyeing me up and down. Her gaze is nothing but friendly though so I don’t mind it. “And I love the name. Dillan suits him.”
“Nathan picked it,” I blurt, feeling the need to give him the credit he deserves. “His middle name is Caleb.” I picked that for obvious reasons.
“Beautiful.” She beams and places her finger in Dillan’s hand. He squeezes it, his eyes now open and unfocused. I’m eager to see whose colour eyes he gets. “I’m so proud of you.” She looks at Nathan. “And you, for stepping up when it wasn’t your job to. Your parents must be proud.”
Nathan seems shocked by her words and his demeanour towards my mum softens after this.
I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept for three weeks since Dillan was born. I find napping when the baby naps is the best way to stop myself from crashing during the day. My mum is also here for a few days, which is great. She’s going to teach me how to express milk. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to use the breast pump comfortably.
I had this image in my head of being milked like a cow and having it squirt out in one flow, enough to fill at least six bottles. That’s not the case at all. Some days I produce more milk than others and mostly I can only produce and ounce or two.
At least I’m getting the hang of it now. I can freeze it too which is even better.
Nathan has to leave soon. His store should be opening in a couple of months. He has a lot to get through to finalise it but I think he’s having trouble leaving us.
Things have been a little bit tense with him lately, not with us but with something he won’t discuss with me. Almost every single morning for the past few weeks there has been a package on the doorstep. I’m not sure what it is but I know it’s causing Nathan stress. I’ve asked him about it but he only tells me to mind my own business, not in the mean way he used to but the stern tone is still there so I daren’t ask again.
I’m worried about him.
Part of me wonders if he’s being blackmailed, what with everything going on with his father. I’m not sure what’s going on with that either. All I know is that he has court soon. Nathan won’t tell me anything about anything. In his mind he’s protecting me from unnecessary stresses. He doesn’t understand that if it’s upsetting him, then to me it is a necessary stress.
I almost got my hands on a package five days ago but he took it and made a few calls. Since then there hasn’t been another. I know that whatever it is, somebody wants me to see it. Or at least that’s my theory. My curious nature drives me around the bend. I wish I could push it out of my mind but I can’t. What is it that has Nathan so uptight at the moment and why won’t he confide in me?
What does he have to hide?
My mum is here though so I have to get over it for now. It’s been a while since I saw her and honestly… I’ve missed her. She’s asked me how everything is and I’ve told her all is well with me and Nathan. I know she doesn’t approve of our current situation but she can’t say anything.
As long as I’m happy and Dillan is happy, that’s all that matters.
Nathan won’t even let me sleep alone. To say he’s become clingy would be an understatement. The problem is, I don’t want to sleep alone and I like having him hold me as I sleep every night.
I’m extremely pleased to see that Nathan still doesn’t have any issues with Dillan and me where his bare hands are concerned. Dillan’s potential germs don’t seem to bother him at all. He’s been amazing; if Dillan needs changing, he’ll just get up and do it. Of course I do it as much as he, but I never even have to ask.
Not that I would, mind you. Dillan is my responsibility but it’s nice having the help.
Things are changing around here and I’m not sure how or why. I’m not totally convinced that I don’t like the changes either.
“Can I have a word?” Nathan asks me and nods towards the archway.
I agree and kiss my sweet baby boy’s head, leaving him with my mum.
“What’s wrong?” My hands rub up and down my arms as I lean against the kitchen wall.
He scrapes his teeth along his lower lip. “I really don’t want to go but I have to. My court hearing is soon, then I’ve got the store and I really need this sponsor.”
Why does he look like I’m going to get angry? “I know. I understand.”
“I don’t want to go,” he sighs and leans against the wall beside me. Both of us stare at the far wall as if it holds all of the answers to our conflicted feelings. It doesn’t; it tells me nothing.
“I don’t want you to go either but you need to.”
He lets out a long breath. “Can’t you both come with me?”
Blink. “What?”
“I’m serious, just come with me. It’s only three days in the city. Just me, you and Dillan. It’ll be fun.”
“My mum’s here.” Is that the best excuse I have?
“She leaves Tuesday. Join me then.”