“Where is it? Where is it?” Nathan bounces up and down excitedly on the spot just inside of the doorway. The light flicks on, showing how terrible the quality of the video camera from eighteen years ago really was. And this video camera is probably one of the best of its time. Whoever made these videos must have gone to a lot of trouble to convert them onto a DVD.
“You’ll see, but first,” I hear the door shut and lock, “I need to tell you a secret. Can you keep a secret?” The camera focuses on the boy’s face, which suddenly gets serious as he nods eagerly. Why am I suddenly feeling uneasy? Where are the animals in this barn? “Good. You’re very special to me, Nathan. You’re my eldest Grandson. That means when I die, all of this will be yours.”
“All of what?” Nathan asks, his cute nose crinkling.
“My house, this barn, my cars.” Cars? I haven’t seen any cars. Maybe Nathan sold them.
“Cool! Can I have my present now?”
They enter another room. I don’t know much about barns, but I know they’re supposed to have more space than this. This room is a bit bigger than the last and I’m wondering why there’s a bed in the corner. Maybe it’s where the farm hands would rest or stay. There’s a sink too but it doesn’t look to be in very good condition.
Grandpa switches on another light but it’s not very good. I can barely make out Nathan’s face but I can see his white suit perfectly. He looks like a little sailor.
Grandpa moves around and stands by the bed, the camera still pointing at a curious Nathan.
“Ready for your present?” Grandpa asks Nathan, who beams. “You’ll get it on one condition.”
“What?”
Oh my god.
My hand flies to my mouth and tears burn my eyes. I watch but I don’t. I scream but I don’t. I sob but I don’t. I can’t look away and before it’s even over I race to the toilet and vomit.
“Why is your pee pee out Grandpa?”
Oh my god. My body won’t stop shaking.
“Well, to get your present you have to be a very good boy. We’re going to play a very fun game.”
“What game?”
“I need you to do something for me.”
“I don’t think I want to.”
My stomach heaves again but my mind won’t move to something else.
My body is in shock I just know it. Oh. That poor boy. That poor, poor boy.
“Stop! Stop! It hurts! Please stop! DADDY! MUMMY!”
The screams, the cries, the begging. Bile rises again.
I see… everything. I want to look away but I need to see, so I can absorb his pain. Make it so he never felt it.
“CATCH!”
I race into the bedroom and hastily take the DVD from the TV. It feels like fire in my hands. I place it back into the DVD case and tuck it into my coat. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but I do know that I can’t just not do anything.
Oh my god. Tears spill, my vision blurs. I can’t believe this.
Nathan.
Oh god. Nathan. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I shouldn’t do it… I shouldn’t, but I need to know if there’s more. Are all of these DVDs recordings of abuse?
I check the few I have, one by one, only glimpsing at each one to confirm.
It takes me a few minutes but I manage to get through the entire stack of them that were hidden behind the skirting board. Only glancing at a few and sobbing when I realise that the last one is of Nathan when he looks to be about eleven.
Vomit comes up again and I barely make it to the toilet this time. The sound of the awfulness coming from TV only makes me feel worse.
My breathing is out of control. My mind wants to shut down and block this out. The things I’ve just witnessed are too painful to bear. How does Nathan live with this? Why has he never said anything?
How can he stay here after experiencing that?
I rinse my mouth out after brushing my teeth with a spare toothbrush from under the sink and stare at my reflection in the mirror. Nathan. Oh my god. Nathan.
Poor Nathan.
This explains everything. Oh god.
Sob.
My face burns from my salty tears; they won’t stop.
“CATCH!”
This is why Nathan has an issue with his hands… isn’t it? What am I going to do?
“What the fuck did you do?” I spin, my back hitting the sink as my eyes land on a furious Nathan, his hands gripping the doorframe as if anchoring him. “WHAT DID YOU DO?”
“Nathan,” I attempt but it’s cut off when he lunges for me, his hand fisting in my hair. It’s not painful, not in the slightest, but it could be if he just pulled a little bit harder. Fear mingles with the overwhelming sorrow and my already weak body begins to shake. “I…”
The usual gold tone of his skin is now red, a vein throbbing angrily in his forehead. “I told you to stay out of my room!”
“I…”
I’m dragged into the hall and slammed roughly against the wall. Again, it doesn’t hurt but it puts the fear of god into me. My bones rattle and my fear rises. “I TOLD YOU!”
“I know… I didn’t mean…” I scream and cover my face when his fist comes up; it doesn’t hit me but it hits the wall beside my head. My flight instinct kicks in, I duck under his arm and try to escape.
I don’t make it three steps before an arm wraps around my midsection, slamming me back into his chest. “Let go!” I beg, my tears now of fear. What’s he going to do? “Please, Nathan, let me explain.”
I thrash, trying to tug my arms free, but he has hold of my wrists, pinning them across each other and to my breasts. “Where did you find them?”
“In… in the closet,” I stammer and let out a sob. “I came back for my necklace but it got stuck. When I tried to get it out, the skirting board came off.” His heavy breathing hits my ear; he sounds like he’s about to hyperventilate. “I thought it was a home video. I swear… But then… I only checked the others.”
I whimper when he spins me in his arms and forces me against the wall. His hands grip my neck as he moves his face to my ear. “If you ever tell anyone about this…”
“I…”
He squeezes the back of my neck, effectively shutting me up. “I will end you.” The way he says this is so menacing, so cold, I barely recognise the Nathan I thought I knew.
My eyes widen with fear and my body trembles even more than before. “Nathan.” I slide my hand up his arm and touch his cheek but he looks away, shame clouding his features. What does he have to be ashamed of? “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
His body tightens, his muscles now cement beneath his skin. “Get out.” He pulls away from me and glares with an anger so potent, I back up a space. My coat is flung at me. “Don’t come back, Gwen.”
“Nathan…” I try, my brow furrowed with sympathy and concern. “I…”
“I said get out!” He bellows and grips my arm. I’m pulled down the stairs, stumbling slightly as my sluggish legs try to keep up with his quick and powerful strides.