"I don't know," she says. "I understand why he lied, but—"
"What do you mean you understand why he lied? There's no excuse for what he did to our family."
"You're right, there isn't. He was still in the wrong, but I played a part in this too and it—"
“Oh fuck that, Mom.” Her eyes widen and it hits me that I just cursed at her. But I’m shocked that my tough as nails, strong and confident mother could look me in the face and take the blame for his actions. “I’m sorry for cursing,” I say, straightening my posture. “But, Mom, there’s no way I’m going to let you blame yourself for his mistake. He stepped out on you and slept with another woman while you were at home being faithful to him. I don’t care about the environment of the home. I don’t care if you two weren’t talking for weeks and sleeping in different rooms. You were still married.” I may not know a hell of a lot about relationships but that's one thing I believe without question.
Her stare is piercing as she takes me in, her eyes scrolling down my face. “That’s fair,” she says before releasing a long breath. “I’m going to take a few days to think about everything, then I’ll decide what I want to do.”
I nod and we both pick up our forks and begin eating.
It's nearly 7:45 p.m. when I leave. My thoughts are heavy as I slide back into my car and start the ignition. Instead of driving away, I stare at my phone trying to figure out who I should respond to. Both Shana and Jordan messaged me while I was having dinner, wondering where I was. Jordan, of course, wants to know when I'm coming back.
My stomach still churns at the idea of going back to his house tonight. I thought I prepared myself for this. I had an inkling that this could possibly go awry, but I so badly wanted it to be real. It was one of those things that felt like a worst-case scenario. Like a bridge collapsing while I’m driving over it.
The worst-case scenario is the bridge falls and I crash to my death. It's not likely, but that's how I felt about what went on with me and Jordan last night. Not likely, but the worst case, and apparently I didn’t prepare myself enough. As much as it frightens me to see him right now, I’m almost just as frightened not to. But there's no way that Jordan isn't feeling something about all this. This is huge. I'm just not ready to hear anything else he has to say. Not yet.
If I go back over there and he pretends it's just another day, we sit down and go back to studying and watching TV, joking around like he was wasn't just inside me twenty-four hours ago, that would kill me. But if I go back and he's all loving and sweet and sorry, that will kill me too.
I really need more time to come to terms with this alone before letting his response, or lack thereof, guide my emotions. I need to be strong for me, strong for my mother, and if there is any real chance for my friendship with Jordan to survive this, then I’ll have to create some separation for a while. Let my heart heal and move on.
The muffled sound of a dog barking reaches my ears at the same time I see Miss Johnson from next door running down the middle of the street chasing her corgi, who’s always getting off the leash. You’d think by now she’d have gotten a fence. I watch until she disappears from view, then go back to the task at hand.
My finger hovers over Jordan’s name on my phone as my mind races for the right words to tell him. How do I say I don't want to see you right now without saying I don't want to see you?
I decide on a long explanation. How I’m going to spend a few days with Mom and I think we can use a little distance so things won't be so weird. Maybe I should just stop by and talk to him in person?
The sound of a car door slamming startles me and I look up to see Jordan’s father, John, waving in my direction. I wave back, sticking my hand out the window, and watch as he disappears into the house. I wonder if he knows what’s going on with my parents. My father and John are like brothers. They share everything and it wouldn't surprise me if Dad crashed with him while he and Mom are going through this.
My gaze is fixed on John’s house as I watch him close his blinds. What if he’s known all along about Dad’s little coffee whore? What if he smiled at my mother, pretending to be a friend when in actuality he was holding onto my father’s sinful secret? Pressure starts to build in my chest and my thoughts begin to topple over each other. How long has this been going on? Was John also a cheater? They say “birds of a feather flock together.” What if nothing I’ve come to believe is truly as it seems? I squeeze my steering wheel as I fight to push these uncomfortable thoughts away. All of this is too much. Jordan. My parents. The lies. The love. I just can’t take it right now. I reach over to grab my gear shifter, preparing to drive away, when a new message from Shana pops up.
Shana: Hey. About to leave the store, then I'll be on my way back to the dorm. Lucas actually came out with Kyle and me for dinner. I wish you were there. See you soon.
I stare at her text message for a few minutes, wondering if I have truly been a fool all this time. She was right and I never noticed. I actually don't date a lot of guys, and when I do, I always choose the broken ones. The guys like Craig who I know I won't get attached to, because I was already attached to someone else. All this time I've been subconsciously holding out for my best friend and a love that never had a chance of existing.
Gripping the phone tighter in my hand, I think about all the pain my mother has gone through and how the love she trusted so much was the one that hurt her the most. I wonder if she thinks she's been a fool too.
I pull up Jordan's contact info once more, then exit again and text Shana.
Me: Hey. Did you leave the store already?
Shana: No, I'm on the way to the front now.
Me: Okay. Grab an extra bottle of red wine. I’m headed to the dorm.
Shana: On it. Yes! Girls night!
Me: Yup. Oh, and by the way. Tell Lucas that I’d love to go out on a date with him.
9
JORDAN
It’s two thirty on Tuesday afternoon, just thirty minutes before Professor Satchi’s engineering exam. Instead of taking the last few minutes to review, I’ve been sitting in my car talking to Roman about how fucked up everything has been lately. His physics exam starts at the same time as mine so we decided to ride to school together this morning. This is the last final I'll be taking before I'm finished with the semester. I took one other exam Monday and my other two courses require project presentations for our final grade, so I won't technically be finished with the semester until Thursday but I’m not too worried. It’s Satchi’s exam that has been causing me the most grief. It’s known to be a bitch, and the last few days have been tough. I ended up getting a decent amount of studying done though.
Roman overheard me and Felicia arguing in the kitchen the other day, and after Xia left he came to check on me. For some reason I was embarrassed, which felt odd as shit because I don't get embarrassed easily. It was just because of Xia and the fact that we finally crossed that line. I hated having to talk about it with Felicia much less Roman.
I wouldn't say I'm a secretive person, During times when Felicia and I were on a break and I hooked up with other girls, it was something to talk with the guys about it. Not in a creepy play-by-play way, but I didn’t care if they knew who I was with. It's just that everything about being with Xia that night felt more personal, more private. Of course, it didn't help that the whole thing ended badly, which was pretty obvious to Roe after she practically ran out of the apartment that morning.