My relationship with Zev and Liam was no secret, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to hear her ask about Zev’s well-being. I wasn’t exactly surprised at her question so much as I wasn’t prepared for it.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“You don’t know? What does that mean?” she asked.
“This is the reason I think I’ve been struggling so hard over the last few days,” I started. “I haven’t seen Zev since the day after the funeral.”
“What?!”
Her shock was evident as she raised her voice.
I wasn’t about to tell my mother the full scope of what happened between us, but I wanted her sound advice.
“After the funeral, I took Zev to his parents’ place. They were having a gathering for the immediate family members. Zev had a few drinks, so I stuck around to make sure he got home safely. When I finally took him home that night… well, he ended up kissing me.”
Silence stretched between us.
“Was he drunk?” she finally asked.
“He’d had a few drinks, but he wasn’t drunk. Or, at least, I didn’t think he was,” I answered. “I don’t know. The next day, we talked about it. It’s clear he feels a lot of regret and guilt. Obviously, that’s the last thing I want for him considering everything he’s dealing with regarding Liam.”
“Well, have you tried talking to him about it?”
“I did, but it was awkward. I figured I’d give him a day or so to decompress. Unfortunately, when I called the next day to check in on him, he never answered my call. Then, when he finally did respond late that night, he sent me a simple text.”
“I’m sure he’s just trying to manage all of his feelings, Tillie,” she insisted. “You guys have been best friends for all these years. There’s no way either of you would ever just throw that out the window.”
I wanted nothing more than to believe what she was saying. There was a small part of me that wondered, though, if she would have felt different had she known the full truth about what happened between us.
My nerves got the best of me and I asked, “What if he can’t get past it?”
“He will,” she assured me. “But try to be patient with him. I know you’re hurting probably just as much as he is. You have to keep in mind that everyone processes their grief differently. Where you might want the company and comfort of someone familiar at a time like this, Zev might need the silence and peace of solitude. Either way, you’re both dealing with something incredibly difficult.”
“I just get this awful feeling that he’s never going to talk to me again,” I began to fret.
“I doubt that will ever happen. But if you believe it’s heading in that direction, stop it. Don’t accept that. There are too many memories, too much good between you two, for you to let go of all of that. Don’t allow him to throw away your friendship. Be understanding of the pain he’s going through right now, but also be unyielding in your pursuit to hold onto your friendship.”
I took in my mother’s words and did my best to allow them to sink deep. I didn’t know if they’d fully penetrate, but I was hoping I’d be able to remember them if things got worse from here.
When I failed to respond, my mom went on and encouraged, “Give him time, but also give him reassurance. You never know what he’s thinking, especially if he’s not sharing. If I were you, I’d make sure my best friend knew that I was there for him no matter what. He’d know that the only thing that was important to me was his well-being at a time like this. I can’t imagine, Tillie, that if he knows you are relentlessly supportive of him that he’d ever just let you walk away.”
My insides trembled as I considered the possibility of her being wrong. If I couldn’t somehow figure out a way to fix this thing between Zev and me, I wasn’t convinced he’d make sure we got back to where we used to be. There was a time when I’d never doubt that, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“Tillie?” my mom called.
“Yeah?” I answered.
“No matter what happens, always take care of yourself,” she advised. “I’d like to think I’m right about Zev, but if I’m not, you need to take care of yourself. I know that’ll be hard because you’ve always had Zev and Liam there for you. But it’s important. You’ll spend a lot more than just a few days sitting at your wheel if you don’t make yourself a priority.”
“Well, then you’ll be happy to know that I’m going to be doing just that today when I get myself out of this house.”
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“I’m not sure yet,” I admitted. “I just know that I need a day outside.”
“Good. I think that’s a great idea,” she remarked. “And you know that if you ever need to get away for a while, we are always here for you. We’d love a visit from you.”
“I know. I appreciate that, Mom,” I told her.
The two of us stayed on the phone for a little while longer talking about inconsequential things. I think my mom knew I needed something other than the heartbreaking reality I was currently dealing with to fill my head. So, she offered that in the form of an extended conversation about nothing in particular. I was grateful for her perception of my state of mind and thankful that she was willing to do what I needed in that moment to feel better.
Twenty minutes after I’d made the call, my mom and I disconnected. Then, I made my way to my bedroom to get myself ready. I still didn’t have a plan or destination. I figured once I got in the car, I’d drive around until I ended up somewhere I wanted to be.
When I woke up earlier this morning, I thought I was going to be taking the next step in trying to heal myself by simply getting out of the house I hadn’t left in days.
While I succeeded in the first part of my plan by not just going back to my pottery wheel and by actually going outside, I wasn’t convinced this was going to be as therapeutic for me as I had originally hoped.
In fact, I was starting to think that it was counterproductive because right now I was feeling more heartache than when I was home.
After stopping to grab a coffee at my favorite café, which was another attempt to brighten my mood, I found myself driving to one of the parks I’d gone to many times over the years with Zev and Liam. It was the one with the lake that we’d come to swim in often. The same lake we all made declarations about what we were going to be when we grew up.
The same place we made promises to each other to always be there for one another for the rest of our lives.
Liam held true to that promise, though I never thought his life would have ended so soon.
Zev did not.
Or, at least, he wasn’t currently.
And as I sat there in the blazing heat of the Arizona desert sun feeling nothing but a cold emptiness settle inside me, I could only hope that my mom was right.
That Zev wouldn’t cut me out completely.
That he just needed time to grieve and heal.
That if I truly thought we were going to end up there and I pushed to fight for the both of us, he’d never allow me to walk away.
In any other situation, I would have had more faith in my mother’s words. In this situation, I had to be realistic.