Mama Fisher didn’t know the full truth about what happened between Zev and me. She didn’t know how far that kiss went.
What scared me the most was the thought that if she did, she might have had different advice for me.
So, as I sat there reminiscing on better times in my life with the two men I held so near and dear to my heart, I grieved a little more, and I finally accepted the fact that I probably always would.
By the same token, I realized that well over twenty years of memories with Zev and Liam were in this town. No matter where I go, I have no doubt I’ll end up thinking of them. And if Zev wasn’t in my life when that happened, I wasn’t sure I’d survive it.
Zev
I’d lived a whole week of my life without my brother.
The concept still felt so foreign to me.
When we were kids, we spent every single day together. Obviously, the older we got, things changed. We both focused on our careers, which sometimes took us away from home for brief stretches of time.
So, I’d gone without seeing my brother for more than a week before. But I never had to do that knowing I’d never see him again.
The reality of that was now more than I could handle.
For days now, I’d been going to the cemetery and sitting with him. That was it. I just sat. I didn’t even talk to him.
The guilt I felt over what I’d done to betray my brother consumed me. Every day I’d wake up, after barely sleeping at all anyway, and battle with what happened between Tillie and me.
As much guilt as I feel over betraying my brother, I feel just as much about the fact that I’ve purposely avoided reaching out to Tillie.
Not a day has passed since she left my house the morning after the funeral when I haven’t thought about her. But I knew I couldn’t see her. I didn’t think I’d be able to look her in the eye without feeling a mix of emotions I couldn’t even begin to process.
It was now late morning and I was sitting in the same spot I’d been sitting in every morning since we buried Liam.
I needed something to change.
So, today, I was going to tell him the truth in hopes of finding some clarity.
Or, I hoped I could find the courage to admit the truth. I’d been sitting here for over an hour now and had yet to say a word.
Knowing how stuck I felt for the last several days, I had no choice but to stay here until I got it out.
After another ten minutes of deliberating on how to tell him what I’d done, I finally blurted, “I slept with Tillie.”
Minutes of silence passed. I didn’t know if I was too ashamed to continue, or if I was hoping he’d reply.
Eventually, I continued, “I’m sorry, Liam. I’m so sorry for the way I betrayed you. And I feel so guilty for even coming here, looking for some kind of guidance.”
I took in a deep breath, fighting to keep my emotions in check. Unsuccessful in that endeavor, I explained, “But I don’t know what to do now. Because I love Tillie. How fucked up is that? I love the woman my brother told me he was going to marry. I’ve been in love with her since we were kids.”
I brought my hands up to my face, pushed my sunglasses out of the way, and wiped my eyes.
God, Tillie.
I missed her so much.
I missed my brother, but I had no choice in whether or not I could see him and talk to him. I had a choice with Tillie. I was throwing our friendship out like it was trash. And the worst part about all of that was that I knew if I hadn’t pushed her away and just went on like nothing happened between us, Tillie would have accepted that.
She would have accepted that even if it cost her everything. That was just the kind of woman she was.
“I miss her, Liam,” I started. “You know, better than anyone that a life without her in it isn’t worth a damn. Not when there’s a choice to be able to have her there. I just don’t think I can be around her again knowing I made love to her only days after you died.”
After another pause, I ended, “I don’t know how to do this. How do I go through the rest of my life without the two people who are the most important to me by my side?”
I waited there for a long time without saying another word. Sadly, I didn’t get answers to any of my questions. And by the time I finally got up and left, I still wasn’t sure if admitting the truth to Liam was the right thing to do.
Tillie
It was time to make a change.
Three weeks had passed since I walked out of Zev’s house. And for three weeks, I’d been living in agony because I didn’t know how to cope.
One of my best friends had died. That alone was enough to rock my world. But when I lost my other best friend only days later, it had become too much for me to handle all at once.
Losing Liam was tough. Without a doubt, it was one of the worst losses I’d ever faced in my life. He was young. Despite what he did for a living, it was still unexpected. If that had been all that happened, I am convinced I would have been okay. Not immediately, of course. And certainly, not completely. I’d always feel like a piece of my heart was missing. Eventually, though, I would have come to terms with his death and accepted it. That would have been because I’d keep pushing forward still grateful that I had my other best friend, Zev.
Sadly, I no longer had him either. And over the last three weeks, I’d tried. I did everything I could to get things back to normal between us. Things that included giving him time on his own to cope and process and heal as well as reaching out to let him know I was there if he needed me.
But Zev wasn’t receptive.
And as the days went by without any communication from him, I started going from upset and concerned to hurt and angry.
If this was about him needing time to process everything, why wouldn’t he have at least reached out to me? How hard would it have been to pick up the phone and say, “I know we need to talk about what happened, but I just need some time to sort through it all on my own for a bit.”?
Was that asking too much?
I honestly didn’t know.
After a week and a half of no attempt on his part to reach out to me, not even when I’d contacted him first, I decided it was time to go to him. I drove to his place and pounded on the door.
When he opened it, he seemed genuinely surprised to see me. I noted just how exhausted he looked. Zev still had this awful look in his eyes.
The one that was regret mixed with just a touch of guilt.
It hurt to know that even though he didn’t remember what we had with one another the night of Liam’s funeral, he was so disgusted by the idea that it had happened at all. Was I really that awful?
“So, you’re just ignoring me then,” I stated.
“What?”
“Well, I mean, I’ve reached out to you repeatedly, Zev, but you haven’t responded. That’s not like you. That’s not the Zev I know. So, I started to worry that maybe something was wrong. But it’s obvious now that that’s not the case at all. You just don’t want to talk to me,” I explained.
“Tillie, I’m sorry, but I don’t have time now to talk about this,” he lamented.
I blinked my eyes in surprise. “You don’t? And at no point in the last ten days have you had even five minutes to call me and let me know that everything is alright? Not even a call to see how I’m doing? God, Zev… I know he was your brother, but I lost Liam, too.”