With that, I turned on my heel and walked away. I never went inside, and I never looked back.
It was done.
My friendship with Zev was as good as done.
All because I loved him so much that I was willing to do anything to take away his pain.
So, I deliberated for the next few days about what to do.
And after a lot of deliberation, I decided I needed to move. There was nothing left for me in Saguaro, Arizona. My parents sold the house I grew up in a few years ago. Once they knew I was doing well on my own with my ceramics business, they packed up and moved to Lake Havasu City. It was a place we’d visited a few times when I was younger, and they’d always wanted to go back.
So, without my parents here, I legitimately had nothing. Sure, I had acquaintances or people I’d met through the work I did, but nothing that was tying me to Saguaro.
I’d come to the realization that I couldn’t stay in a place that held years of beautiful memories with two of the most important people in my life with nothing to hold on to but the pain of their loss. No matter where I went in this town, I’d see my best friends. And every single day would hurt more than the one before.
I no longer had Liam. Deep down, as hard as I knew it would have been, I believed I would have eventually come to accept what happened.
But not having Zev was something I could not accept. Because he didn’t die. He was alive and breathing, and he cut me out.
Like I was nothing to him.
Like all the years we had of making memories meant nothing to him.
That reality was too much to bear.
Which is why I was now standing in my home surrounded by boxes. I had packed up everything I owned. With the exception of some of my larger furniture, nearly everything was going with me.
As confident as I was in my choice to leave, I was not yet planning to list my home for sale. I was going to rent for the next six months in my new location and see how things went. If it all worked out, then I’d reevaluate what to do with my home in Saguaro.
For now, though, I was moving to Sedona.
It was a place I’d visited more than once in all my years living in Arizona. It was about two hours away from Saguaro, and I believed it was going to be a huge boost for my business. I’d done some research over the last few days and found not only a house for rent, but also a storefront. That storefront was along a strip in one of Sedona’s large shopping villages. How I got so lucky, I’ll never know. But I wasn’t going to complain.
To top it off, Sedona was a town that saw a lot of tourism. For that reason, I was pretty sure I’d be able to do really well.
That’s not true. I was certain I’d do really well because I already had some working agreements with several retailers in Sedona that sold my work in their souvenir shops. It had always done well, but having my own storefront in a place like that would be huge for me.
Considering I needed a distraction, I was prepared for the increase in my workload.
With near-perfect timing, the moving truck pulled up in front of my house. I took in a deep breath and took one last look around.
This was it.
This was going to be the last time, for at least the next six months, that I was going to stand in this house.
I was excited about what beauty awaited me in Sedona, but I would have been lying if I didn’t admit that I was sad about leaving Saguaro.
It had been home to me for twenty-eight years.
And it was good while it lasted.
But sometimes, it’s just not meant to be forever.
Five weeks later
When making such a huge change in your life, it can be difficult to know if you’re making the right decision. If those changes are made when you’re emotionally wrecked, it can cause even more stress and anxiety.
I’d been living in Sedona for five weeks now, and it was safe to say that I was no longer feeling worried that I might have made a bad decision. In fact, from the moment I arrived more than a month ago, I hadn’t really regretted my choice at all. I hadn’t so much as second-guessed it.
Sure, living in a new location came with its own set of challenges, but there wasn’t really anything that was emotionally taxing. That was my biggest concern.
Physically, I’d been put to the test, though.
Luckily, the movers had transported all of my things from Saguaro to Sedona safely. Since I’d already made arrangements prior to moving and signed the lease for not only my home but also for the storefront, I was able to have the movers take my personal items to the house and the ceramics and other business-related items to the store.
For the first few days, I spent my time focused primarily on the store. I knew I could work on the home once I had things squared away in my professional life.
Thankfully, I had managed to have almost instant success from the day I opened my doors to the public. And because I’d been so busy, I was grateful that a woman walked in one day asking if I was looking to hire someone. She’d seen my work before, had a few pieces she’d purchased from other retailers, and was ecstatic when she heard I had opened my own store here.
Her face was one of many that had walked through my doors that day. And because I hadn’t gotten everything completely sorted by the time I opened, I decided that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have some part-time help.
So, I hired Meli.
She was a young woman in her late thirties who was married with two children. While she worked mostly on the weekends and only occasionally during the week, Meli was undoubtedly one of the hardest-working women I’d ever met. She never came into the store hoping to stand around and chat with a customer just to get paid.
Nope.
She kept herself busy doing something every minute she was there. Sometimes, she’d even shoo me away from the sales floor while she covered it just so I could get some work done on the actual ceramics. While I’d made a lot of pieces in those few days following Liam’s funeral, I hadn’t added any colors or artwork to them. So, when I had downtime at the store, I’d work on that.
Overall, there’d been an improvement in my life that was a direct result of my decision to move. Given my emotional state prior to leaving Saguaro, anything that affected me in a positive way was a good thing.
Unfortunately, had it not been for Meli and the droves of people that frequented my shop on a daily basis, I wasn’t sure where I’d be right now.
Because while my mind stayed occupied throughout my days, the nights were bad. I’d go home to an empty house where I still had so much of my stuff in boxes. Most nights, I’d make myself a quick dinner, shower, and occasionally watch some television.
That was it.
Then, I’d climb into bed and hope for a few hours of sleep before I woke up and did it all over again.
But it was in those moments when I first put my head down on the pillow that were the hardest. I’d want to be happy for the success I was seeing in my business. Unfortunately, I felt nothing but sadness. No longer having Zev or Liam in my life, when I’d been accustomed to speaking to both of them several times a week, had really taken its toll on my mental state.
I knew I had to try and move forward. It was hard, though. How do you just forget about your best friends?
And no matter how badly I’d been hurt by Zev’s dismissal of me, I still loved him. I would always love him.
I just didn’t understand how he didn’t feel any of the same things that I did. I wasn’t expecting him to fall in love and sweep me off my feet. I’d accepted that would never happen.