After the way she left my house this morning, I was more convinced of it than I had been when she was still asleep in my bed.
Things would never be the same between us again.
Tillie
They say grief is the price we pay for love.
I wholeheartedly believe that sentiment.
It had been nearly a week since Liam’s funeral, and other than the morning I left Zev’s house when I cried in the shower, I didn’t believe I’d properly grieved for the man I’d lost.
No matter how many tears I would shed over the coming days, weeks, months, or even years, I didn’t think I’d ever stop grieving for him. So much of the joy I’d experienced in my life had either Zev or Liam at the center of it.
Now I had neither of them.
And it was becoming increasingly difficult to cope with the loss of them. Memories I held close to my heart were the only thing keeping me from completely giving up. I was holding out hope that Zev would come around eventually.
I didn’t contact him the day I left his house. I gave myself the time I needed to decompress and feel everything I had going through my mind. Since I hadn’t really had an opportunity to grieve or allow myself to feel the loss of Liam, I took some time to do that. I cried about a thousand tears just for him.
When I thought I had myself all cried out, my focus shifted to Zev. That’s when the tears started all over again. I continued to rehash what happened that morning in my head.
Tillie, what happened here last night?
I couldn’t seem to get over that. That night meant everything to me. And for Zev, that day was now going to be considered the worst of his life. Because not only did he have to say goodbye to his brother forever, but he also slept with a woman whom he’d never intended to. All I could do was wonder how something I held so close and precious to my heart was nothing but despair and pain for Zev.
The day after I left Zev’s following the funeral, it was back to business for me. I took some time to lick my wounds, but I had a friendship I needed to salvage and repair. By any means necessary.
So, I started off with a phone call.
It wasn’t often that Zev missed one of my calls; however, this time happened to be one of them. When the voicemail beeped indicating I could leave a message, I did.
“Hi, Zev. It’s me. I’m just calling to check-in and see how you’re doing. Give me a call when you have a chance. I’ll talk to you then.”
I disconnected and tried not to think the worst. I came up with a million excuses as to why he didn’t answer. He could have been in the shower. Maybe he was still sleeping. Perhaps he left his phone in one room and walked to another. No matter the number of excuses I came up with, I still had that fear lingering in the back of my mind.
Zev didn’t completely ignore me, but he also wasn’t quick to respond either. And when he did, he simply sent me a text late that night.
Hi, Tillie. Sorry I missed your call. I’m doing okay. Thanks for checking in.
That message left me feeling less than stellar. Not only was it not a typical response from Zev, but it also showed that he didn’t seem to have one ounce of concern for me. He didn’t ask how I was doing.
I tried not to let it get me down. It wasn’t lost on me that Liam had just died. There was no doubt that Zev was still trying to cope with the loss of his brother. What I couldn’t understand is why, especially when he knew how much Liam meant to me, he wouldn’t even ask how I was managing.
It was like it didn’t matter that I was struggling to accept what had happened to Liam, too. As my best friend, I thought Zev would have realized that and the fact that he’d taken himself away from me, too.
Unfortunately, he didn’t.
So, now I was waiting. I was going to try my best to be understanding and give Zev more time. As his best friend, it was really hard because I wanted nothing more than to be there for him. I wanted to make sure he knew that I would be there to listen to him if he needed to vent or a shoulder to cry on.
After a couple days of not even wanting to get out of bed, I knew I needed to do something to snap myself out of it. To keep myself distracted, I called upon routine. I didn’t know if it was going to work, but I was hoping that the best way to start feeling normal again would be to get myself back to doing normal things. Things that would, hopefully, keep my mind focused on something other than the ache in my heart.
For the last four days, I’d been doing just that. Only, my routine stopped at the first task.
Unable to sleep well, I had woken up before the sun rose nearly every day since I last saw Zev. Instead of trying to get myself back to sleep, I got out of bed and sat down at my pottery wheel. Once I was there, I got lost.
For hours.
On occasion, that happened to me. I’d get started on a project that I was particularly excited about and not come up for air until I’d replicated it to sell in volume.
But that wasn’t what was happening now.
I spent four days at that wheel with no plan. No project list. Nothing.
Just my bleeding heart.
I only stopped to use the bathroom, take a shower, and go to sleep. Food wasn’t high on my priority list, but I’d force myself to eat at least two decent meals a day. Other than that, it was me and my art.
Before I walked away from my wheel last night, I looked around the room. I’d made more pieces in four days than I typically did in two or three weeks. That was my cue to stop and make a change.
So, I woke up this morning and had two goals in mind. First, I was going to call my mom. Then, I was going to get myself out of the house. I didn’t have a plan yet on where I’d go, but I knew I couldn’t keep myself locked inside at that wheel forever.
I waited until it was eight o’clock before I called my mom. She answered after just one ring.
“Tillie, baby, how are you doing?” she greeted me.
I’d reached out to her the day we got the news in the hospital to tell her about Liam. She and my father had made the trip from where they now lived in Lake Havasu City to our hometown of Saguaro for the funeral. Unfortunately, they were unable to stay and had to leave right after the burial.
“Hey, Mom,” I replied.
“I can tell by the sound of your voice that you’re still having a hard time,” she immediately noted.
I wasn’t surprised. My mom and I were close. She knew me well. She also knew how close I was to Zev and Liam.
“Hard isn’t even the word,” I started. “I feel like I’m falling apart here, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I feel awful. I’m sorry we couldn’t stay longer,” she lamented.
“It’s okay,” I assured her. “I’m just really having a difficult time learning how to cope.”
I heard my mom take in a deep breath. When she let it go, she said, “It’s going to take time. Luckily, there are no rules you have to follow for this. Liam was one of your best friends, Tillie. You’re not going to get over losing him in a matter of a week. Don’t push yourself.”
I let out a sound that sounded more like a grunt. “I’ve spent four days on my wheel,” I shared. “I haven’t wanted to think about it all because it’s just too painful.”
After a moment of hesitation, my mom insisted, “There’s nothing wrong with that. You need to do whatever is necessary to get yourself through it. How’s Zev holding up?”