That didn’t matter, though. I’d do this for the rest of my life if that’s what Zev needed. I’d never give up on seeing him through this.
So, I took a deep breath as I looked at myself in the mirror one last time. I don’t know why I did that. I didn’t care what I looked like other than wanting to look half decent out of respect for Liam. Makeup wasn’t an option. Between my puffy, red-rimmed eyes and the bags underneath them, I knew I was a sight. But the tears would fall today, so any attempt to brighten up my face would be futile.
Deciding it was the best I was going to get, I grabbed my keys and my purse and left.
Not quite fifteen minutes later, I was standing at Zev’s front door. He opened it seconds after I knocked and was clearly distressed. The minute his eyes locked with mine, I saw them well up with tears. He shook his head and worried, “I don’t think I can do this today, Tillie. I can’t.”
Wasting no time, I stepped inside and closed the door before throwing my arms around his shoulders. I felt his arms engulf my body and pull me close.
“Yes, you can,” I assured him, squeezing him a little tighter. “We’re going to do this together today, Zev. Me and you. And we’re going to do it for Liam.”
Zev held on in silence for a little while. When he stepped back, he brought his hands to his tie that was hanging around his neck. As he began to tie it, I asked, “Have you spoken with your parents today?”
He shook his head and paced the room, still fumbling with his tie. “No. But I got a call from my dad last night. He wanted to let me know that my aunt and uncle’s flight made it in and to confirm the times for everything today.”
By the time he finished speaking, he still hadn’t managed to fix his tie. I went to him and wrapped my arms around his bicep. He stopped and looked at me curiously.
“Let me help you,” I said gently.
Zev turned his body completely to face mine. It was in this moment that I was forever grateful for the fact that I’d watched and paid attention when my mom fixed my dad’s ties for him. As I began to slowly do the same for Zev, I stared up at the man I loved. The man who was currently breaking my heart more than it already was. There was nothing but pain and devastation in his eyes. Even though I felt more pain than I thought I could stand, seeing Zev’s pain made me want to take all of his on my shoulders. I wanted to take it all from him.
“Tillie,” he whispered as my eyes shifted to his tie.
“I know, Zev,” I whispered back.
“What are we going to do without him?” he asked.
I adjusted the knot in the tie up at his neck and stared up at his face. “I don’t know, honey. But we’ll figure it out together. Never alone, right?”
Zev dipped his chin in agreement.
“Are you ready to go?” I asked gently.
He shook his head.
I swallowed hard and took his hand in mine. After giving it a squeeze, I promised, “I’ll be right by your side all day. Whatever you need, you tell me. Okay?”
His eyes filled with tears again as he gave me a nod.
“Good. Do you need anything else before we leave?”
“Sunglasses,” he replied.
“In your truck?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
I nodded and said, “Alright. Then let’s get your sunglasses before we go.”
With that, Zev and I grabbed his sunglasses, locked up his place, and left.
We walked through Zev’s front door again later that night after we’d spent some time at his parents’ place. It had been rough for him all day at the church where they had a service for Liam before we went to the cemetery. But by the time we made it to his parents’ home for a smaller gathering for the immediate family members, I noticed Zev had started to relax a bit.
He was still in a tremendous amount of pain, but the anxiety I’d seen in him for the last several days, and especially this morning, was gone.
I didn’t think he was over it. Not in the least. But he’d certainly gotten beyond what I think he’d been dreading since the moment he heard those words the doctor spoke. I was pretty sure the drinks he’d had at his parents’ place helped, too. He had enough that he was certainly feeling a bit of a buzz, but he wasn’t what I’d consider drunk. Not even close. And if having a few drinks helped numb the pain for him, I didn’t mind being his designated driver.
When we made it inside his house, I went through and turned on a few lights.
“Rough day,” I declared.
He grunted and agreed, “Yeah. You can say that again.”
“But we got through it. And it’s going to get easier,” I assured him.
Zev closed his eyes and sighed. “I know. It just hurts a lot right now.”
“Yeah,” I murmured, looking down at the ground. “I know.”
I could feel the emotions I’d been holding back all day coming to the surface. I didn’t want to burden Zev with it and undo any of the progress he’d made in the second half of the day today, so I needed to find a way to get out.
Unfortunately, before I could indicate to Zev that I was going to get going, I felt him move close to me. I lifted my gaze from the living room floor and found he was mere inches away from me.
His hand came up and his fingers curled around the back of my arm. As his thumb stroked gently along the skin there, I was frozen on the spot.
Zev had never touched me like this.
I swallowed hard just before he spoke in a low, husky tone. “Thank you for being here with me today, Tillie.”
I tipped my head back to look at him. “Of course. I told you this morning. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. And you know that goes beyond today, too.”
“Can you stay here with me tonight?” he asked.
His thumb was still stroking my arm. My chest was rapidly rising and falling.
“Of course,” I replied still trying to ignore what his touch was doing to me. “Anything you need. I should just probably run home real quick and grab some clothes to sleep—”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence because Zev cut me off. And he did it by kissing me.
I stood there, frozen in shock, for several moments. But then I could no longer ignore it because I had dreamt of this moment for years.
Zev was kissing me.
He still had one hand holding my arm while the other drove into my hair and landed at the back of my head. His full lips captured mine before I felt the tip of his tongue asking for permission to enter my mouth.
I’d give him anything, so I parted my lips and let him inside. I was a mix of emotions as our tongues explored one another’s mouth. He tasted incredible, a hint of the Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey he’d had earlier still lingered on his tongue.
Zev’s hand that had been on my arm came around my back and landed on the opposite side at my ribs. He used it to nudge me forward until my body was pressed tight to his with my hands plastered against his chest.
As we continued to kiss, I could feel something happening between us. Not in the metaphorical sense either. It was Zev. I could feel him growing hard between us. While I liked knowing that he was attracted to me, I was nervous.
I needed to stop this and talk to him.
Somehow, I managed to pull my mouth away from his.