“Not really,” I said solemnly, walking a few feet closer.
He paused again, looking perplexed. “Then what?”
I wanted to touch him. My fingers tingled, my body quickened, my heart raced. I longed to be close to him.
“I came to apologize,” I said simply. “I shouldn’t have left like I did.”
“Really,” Jax stated, unbelieving. “Why? If you’re worried about my helping with your book, I still will.” He scrubbed a hand over his stubble-ridden jaw.
My fingers traced the edge of his desk. I found it hard to look into his face because he was so pained. My own forehead furrowed, and my throat began to ache. I forced myself to meet his dark blue eyes. My eyes began to burn. “I’m not here for that. I don’t care if you help me or not. This isn’t about my book.”
He turned away and walked to the window. I sensed this was a habit because he’d done it the first time I was inside this office. “Isn’t it?” he asked quietly.
His head half-turned, and I was presented with his perfect profile. He was so beautiful, even when he was rumpled and somber.
My eyes drank him in, remembering the way his hands felt on my body, his mouth on mine, the feel of him inside me and above me. And, oh God, the way I’d fisted his hair and pulled his mouth harder into mine. The way our mouths and bodies moved together. I closed my eyes as a single tear rolled down my face and I quickly brushed it away.
“I can’t make you believe me, Jax. But, I’m truly sorry. I thought you’d know why I left.”
“Yes. You told me, but...” he said solemnly. “… how will you know how things will be if you don’t give me a chance?” he said, staring out the window and onto the campus. The trees near the window moved by the blustering wind.
I swallowed hard and my face crumpled, pressing a hand to my forehead as I bowed my head. He was right, but something inside knew that he’d break me in two if we kept seeing each other. One day, he’d move on, and I’d bleed.
“I don’t know how much more open I could have been. I gave you the choice. It didn’t have to happen, and wouldn’t have if you would have said no. You said it was what you wanted it, too.”
“I know,” I answered, my voice cracking. “I did want you. So much.”
He didn’t move, and he didn’t turn to look at me. “It was incredible, so I’m at a loss to understand, Addison. I thought we’d gotten past the fear.”
I believed he didn’t really think someone so inexperienced as me could handle a casual affair, no matter how mind-blowing. My constitution was a match for him. Didn’t he know that someone so different from him, so in awe of him, so under his spell would fall head over heels in love at the slightest touch? And he’d done so much more than touch me; he’d possessed me, body and soul.
“I’m afraid of just being one in a long line of your affairs,” I admitted.
He pivoted to face me. “I told you; I’ve never done this before. I don’t plan on doing so again. I didn’t plan on… you.” His voice was steady and deep, and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants.
What Luke said dug at me, and I wanted to ask. “I saw Stacia on the stage,” I said instead. I was hedging and he saw right through me.
He huffed angrily. “What are we doing, Addison?” He turned then. “This isn’t a fucking game. If you’re insinuating that I could screw that girl all day and night, I’d agree. She makes it obvious that’s what she wants.”
My eyes widened and I gasped as if he’d struck me. I couldn’t have been more taken aback. He took in my reddened eyes and flushed face and his expression softened.
“The problem is she leaves me cold. I don’t want her.” He seemed resigned with how things were and didn’t move toward me. I wanted to break down and cry. “However, I don’t want you like this, either. I want a woman who comes into my arms willingly and not a scared little girl who runs the minute things get intense. I would have protected you the best way I could, but it’s obvious you don’t trust me.”
“Some things you can’t protect me from. No matter how hard you try, Jax.”
His head moved slightly and sighed. “I know.”
He turned away again, to stare back out the window again. He didn’t see the tears that had begun to stream down my face. I was sure my heart was broken, the pain in my chest threatened to suffocate me.
“So, then…” I stammered, not wanting it to end, but too inexperienced to voice what I wanted.
“So, I’ll be your professor, and you’ll be my student. I’ll look over your manuscript and submit it to Gloria. Then, it’s up to you.”
I didn’t know what I expected when I came here. I expected to grovel, yes, maybe even wild sex on his desk, but I didn’t expect to be dismissed. I bit my lip hard to keep the sob welling up inside my chest from breaking free, then straightened my shoulders. He wanted a woman, then I’d be one.
“Don’t forget your purse this time.”
I blinked back the tears stinging the back of my eyes as I picked up my purse and with trembling hands put it in the book-bag I’d set on one of the chairs opposite the desk and zipped it up.
I couldn’t bear to leave things like this broken between us. We’d only just met… only been together once, so why did I feel so miserable?
I took the four steps needed to stand directly behind him in the small office. Closing my eyes, I mustered the courage to slide my arms around his waist and flattened my hands against his chest and abdomen, pressing my forehead to his back; I felt my heart begin to ache inside me. He tensed at my touch but made no move to remove my arms from around his body. I turned my face until my cheek was against his back, my arms tightening as I pressed into the solid muscles. “Please forgive me, Jax. I’m sorry,” I said quietly, breathing in his scent for the last time, committing it to memory along with the feel of his warm body close to mine. “I don’t want you to help with my book.” This was it. Time to put on my big girl panties if I wanted Jax to take them off. “I only want more time with you. No matter what that is.”
The silence was like a boom and my hard-won courage started to crumble. I could feel his chest rise and fall beneath my hands; feel his heart beating and mine shattering, yet still, he said nothing. I had no choice but to release him, gather my bag and holding back the tears the best I could; I rushed out of his office without looking back.
11
“Son of a bitch!” I shouted as I missed my brother’s last shot. I’d pushed myself to my physical limit and I bent over, trying to even out my ragged breathing.
He’d agreed to meet me at Dodge Fitness Center on the Columbia campus for a game of racquetball in the early evening. I was in desperate need of distraction and to burn off my sexual frustration and nervous energy.
I thought that if I worked out until I was physically exhausted, and wrote until I couldn’t see straight, I’d be able to sleep. The problem was, I’d been in a funk for the few days since Addison had come to my office and asked for forgiveness. It took everything in me not to turn in her arms, lift her up onto my desk, and prove to her that this thing between us was bigger than both of us. I was still reeling, and I wasn’t even sure if what caused her to run was fear of me, the man, or me, her instructor. I tried to look at it from her perspective. She was ten years younger and being seduced by her professor and one who was somewhat famous. I balked whenever I put it in those terms. I was a grown man, and I should be able to control my baser urges. It was that, and only that, which prevented me from taking advantage of her in her weak moment. I was trying to respect the instincts that told her to stay away from me, even when she was ready to cave, but I was paying the price.