Luke comes inside me and wraps his arms around me.
“Whatever you need, you call me.” He kisses my shoulder and my heart shudders under his affection.
As the chilliness of the night bites at our naked skin, we get dressed quickly. He embraces me again, and stays there for a while until I can’t breathe anymore.
“It smells like manure, beardy.”
He laughs then nibbles my jaw. “How long are you staying?”
“As long as you’re here.”
“Just so you know, babe, by the end of the week, you’ll smell like it too.”
Our eyes meet, and it seems we’ve come to an understanding of what we want to do while we stay here. I still need to say it so I can regain some control of my life.
“Can we make a deal that what happens at the farm, stays at the farm?” I ask.
“Let’s make a pact. Let’s fuck each other often, but make it fun and naughty so we can heal you. There are so many places around here I want to have sex with you. Deal?”
I nod because his smile, his brandy-colored eyes, the reddish streaks in his beard, and the whole package of this man just knocks the wind out of me. He’s so beautiful, my heart is racing from looking at him.
We make our way back to the house, holding hands. The whole family, plus Ian and Ryan, are waiting for us on the porch, smiles on their faces.
“There’s nothing like anger sex against the barn to feel better, right, Lukey?” his younger brother teases him.
Luke passes by, raising his middle finger at him. I laugh.
“Did you see that, bro?” Ryan says, elbowing Ian.
“He laughed!” Ian answers, feigning amazement.
“He fucking laughed,” Ryan fakes surprise.
I raise my middle finger as well with my free hand.
“Yes, and if you dumbasses had called me last week, he would have laughed earlier!” Luke deadpans. “Dex and I are going to bed. Mom, Dad, I believe Ryan and Ian can tidy the house from my little outburst as their punishment for not telling me what was going on with this one.” He nods in my direction. “We’ll see you in the morning.”
“Good night, sons!” Ridge says, smiling at me.
We make our way inside and get ready for bed in a comfortable silence. I feel more at peace than I did a few hours ago and more alive than ever.
“I like when you call them ‘dumbasses,’” I tell him, settling into his arms.
“Wait to hear what I want to call Julie and Virginia! They’re going to get an earful as well.”
“Virginia still doesn’t know anything about us.”
“Really? Well, I’m only going to yell at Julie then.”
I smile at the idea.
“Come on, babe, don’t look so happy because I’m going to berate her. That’s a little too sadistic, even for you.” He kisses the top of my head. I laugh. Because of what he said, because I can't stand Julie, because I’m here with him.
“That’s what I love the most about you,” he says, while I kiss his neck.
“What?”
“That I’m one of the only ones who can make you laugh that way.” He kisses me softly and I lose all my bearings. Unexpectedly, I hear birds chirping in my head, and Gloria Gaynor singing, “Can’t take my eyes off you.” I just became a gay cliché, and fuck, I like it.
21
Luke
“Holden!” Dex says, sitting up in the bed as if saying my ex-boyfriend’s name is something normal to do while we’re cuddling.
We’ve spent every minute of the last three days together. I made good on my promise to fuck him in different places around my parents' property, but we didn’t only do that. We went into town and I showed him where I went to school, where the hockey team I was on for a little while trained, where I gave my first blow job, and where I had my first meaningful kiss.
When we arrived at the rink, I was amazed when Dex said he wanted to go skating. Watching him skate was a huge turn-on, his hips swaying, his body gliding on the ice, and even if the changing room of the arena wasn’t on my list of places where I wanted to fuck him, we did, and it was even more phenomenal than usual.
We’ve also talked about a lot of different things, especially things related to his father and his grief. I was shocked to learn it wasn’t the first time he’s had a depressive episode, but it made sense once he told me the whole story. It seems that, contrary to what he told me before, he did fall into depression twenty years ago, after Virginia rejected his help. He hasn’t told anybody and asked me to keep it to myself, since he doesn’t want to hurt her.
At the time, his father brought him back to life and told him to seek help. So Dex went to therapy. That’s how he ended up needing to control his life and others’. It worked until he couldn’t fix his father’s sickness, then depression hit him more strongly than the first time. His father’s death triggered it, but me leaving ignited the process. Then his father’s will combusted the last string Dex was holding. He promises me he’s better and doesn’t need to see someone when we get back to LA, but I’m not sure I agree with him.
He still has to read that damn letter, and he’s reluctant to do so. I have no idea what his father wrote, but Ryan told me he believes it would help Dex. I’m scared it will destroy him again. He’s been good since coming to the farm and I don’t want him to feel pressured to read it. So I mainly avoid the subject, which isn’t helping but it’s better than seeing him scramble, I guess.
“What do you mean, babe? Holden?”
“I think he’s the one who vandalized the shop. He’s also the one who hacked into your system to fuck up your ink order, and bring down your system.”
“Come on, that’s a little paranoid. I broke up with the guy more than eight months ago.”
“And?”
I look at him as if he’s lost his mind. Holden is a good guy. He’s a network engineer and could hack my system, but why would he? We were together for five years, and it worked perfectly until he started speaking about his biological clock and desire to have children. I didn’t even know gay guys had a biological clock. A starving clock? Yes. An “I’m hard as fuck and need to fuck” clock? Yes. An “I need to go on a hike and be close to nature” clock? Yes. An “I need to make babies with you” clock? Fuck no.
That was three years into our relationship, just after my fortieth. He thought that now that I was done with my thirties, the desire to have kids would have kicked in. That was also when I knew we would never spend our lives together, but he assured me he was fine and didn’t need to have children if he had me. I believed him for two more years—until I had to call it quits because I saw how much I was hurting him. He had tears in his eyes every time we saw a baby in a stroller or a woman with a round belly. It was just before he turned forty. But I’m sure by now he’s moved on.
“Didn’t you tell me Bruce spoke about Holden?”
“Yes, but I never really told him much about him…”
“You’re sure they don’t know each other?”
“Sure. Come on, it can’t be Holden. I’m not even sure it’s all connected. How do you know it was a hack and not just a system error?”