I clear my throat to control my emotions. “He explained why he had to write his will the way he did and asked for forgiveness. He’s also asking me to be happy and let go of trying to fix everyone and everything.”
“Good luck with that, John!” Luke says, looking toward the sky.
I shove him gently. He grabs the back of my neck tighter, his thumb working on the knot of tension I feel spreading.
“Look, Dex, whatever happened, you have to let it go.” Ridge hands me a glass of wine.
“Yes, sweetie, nothing is worth your health, physically or mentally,” Bella adds, tapping my leg.
I take a sip, having nothing to say.
“If you need or want to talk to someone, I’ll always be at the end of the phone line.” Ridge smiles.
I take another sip. Talking to him would be easy. He’s like my father in a lot of ways, but much cooler. Those two would have gotten along fine. I gulp my wine and set the glass on the table in front of me. Ridge goes to refill it, but I stop him with my hand, not wanting to drink too much.
I’m not sure what to do with my father’s letter. Is it supposed to help me find peace? Should I be happy he was protecting me? Angry toward my brother and mother? Ashamed I thought he didn’t love me? I want to be done thinking about his death. I want to crawl in bed with Luke and forget everything while I lie in his arms. I don’t want to fly to LA tomorrow. I’d prefer to stay here.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen between Luke and me, and that’s what stresses me the most right now. Not dealing with my father’s words or my brother’s bullshit, not having to work eighteen hours a day to catch up, not seeing where Marlene and Aiden are and what they did with the office, but knowing what Luke and I are outside of the farm bubble. The decision is mine to make, but I’m not sure our lifestyle can align once we’re home. I’ll work a lot, and he’ll wait for me. We’re back to square one. I’ve mostly accepted that I can’t control everything, and I know I should have faith that we can make it work, but it’s still difficult for me to let life happen. After all, three days at a farm can’t change who you were for the last twenty years.
Luke follows his mother into the kitchen to help her get supper ready, and I’m left alone with Ridge and Aaron. I know Aaron is going to ask me something before he even opens his mouth.
“So? Did you decide to chase your happiness?” His blues eyes study me.
I’m not sure if he’s ready to beat me to death if I say no, but I’m afraid to answer him. “I’m not sure yet. I have to talk to Luke.”
“What’s your big hang-up, son? I mean, you seem happy with my boy. You’re far from the ghostly, broken man who arrived in our house three days ago.” Ridge is also studying me, trying to find any indication of my decision.
I look him in the eyes. They’re as blue as Aaron’s and as expressive as Luke’s. “I tend to work a lot. I don’t want that to come between us.”
“And you think we don’t?” Aaron answers.
“You’re divorcing your wife.”
“Not because of time management. We were never right for each other. I married her because I was a punk afraid of consequences.”
“What Aar means is that you can’t not take a chance on a relationship that is right for you because you’re afraid of what might happen if it doesn’t work. If you want to be with him, be with him. Don’t overthink things. It does nothing more than give ulcers.” Ridge gets up and joins Bella and Luke in the kitchen.
Aaron is still looking at me. “It goes without saying that if you break my brother’s heart, I’ll break your teeth. Don’t fuck it up Dex. I need another tense person around here. They’re all way too easygoing for me.” He shrugs and joins everybody else.
I make my way upstairs to pack, letting Luke enjoy his last moments with his family. I’m not even in the bedroom for two minutes before Luke is behind me, touching my chest and kissing my neck. It feels nice, but I know we need to have a serious conversation before starting our trek tomorrow. We’re in the middle of nowhere, and getting back to civilization takes time. I loosen his embrace and sit on the bed.
“Okay… what’s going on?” Luke asks.
“We need to talk.”
“The four words we all love to hear,” he says nervously, sitting on the desk chair and putting his feet on the desk. “So talk!”
I flash back to the first time we had a discussion about what happened between us. Back then, Luke Gritt was a nuisance who could give me the best orgasms of my life. And as if my life was about to end, I see our whole relationship flashing before my eyes.
“I want to date you,” I blurt. It’s not what I was going to say when he entered the room, but I can’t let him go. I have to stop lying to myself. He’s the only one I want.
Luke beams at me and curls a finger to beckon me closer. I oblige, needing his touch, and sit on the desk between his legs.
“Closer,” he whispers, dragging me onto his lap.
“Beardy, that’s not going to do it. We need rules, because me on your lap, not happening.”
I try to get out of his arms, but Luke is stronger than me, and he keeps me there, tangled in him, sitting on him, too close to him. “I’m going to date the shit out of you, Dextyn Barclay Crawford the Third.”
I push him away and stand up rapidly. “That’s exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want anything to change. I want it simple, like what we had here.”
“No can do. I’m the greatest boyfriend of all time, babe. It’s going to be very hard for you not to fall in love with me.”
I laugh. “You’re dumb Luke!”
“I’m not, and I’m right. I’m going to take care of you so well, you’ll be mine in seconds.”
I roll my eyes, knowing I’m already his but not ready to put it out there. It’s a little too much in one day. “We need to pack.”
“No! We need to celebrate you being my boyfriend.” He tugs me down and nibbles my ear.
“Are you always so eager about things?” I say, rubbing my thumb over his nipple ring.
“Yes, grumpy cat, I am, and right now, I need to make you purr.”
I bite his shoulder with passion, taking control of the situation. He moans.
“I’m going to make you scream, beardy, then we pack!”
“You’re very demanding, little prince.”
“You have no idea.” I push him onto the bed and kiss him wildly while straddling him and deepening the kiss. “Would you shave if I asked you to?”
“Would you get a tattoo if I asked you to?”
“Hell no!”
“Same.”
I kiss along his neck. “So that’s your limit? Shaving your beard?”
“First, if I shave, what will you call me?”
“I don’t know. Babyface?”
“Yeah, not happening, babe. Second, you like the beard on your body too much for me to shave.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Maybe I should grow a beard.”
“Can you?” Luke laughs. “Because I remove every hair on my chest, but I don’t think you do. You’re glabrous from head to toe.”