Even if it won’t lead to the more that I am hoping for, I can’t help but want anything with Graham.
When Graham left five years ago, to say I was a wreck would be an understatement. We’d have our share of arguments, what couple doesn’t though, right?
I knew this was different though. I knew when Graham told me he was leaving, there was going to be no going back. I think there was a part of me that thought, or maybe hoped is the better word, he would realize he was wrong and made the biggest mistake of his life. No matter what life threw at us, we’d weather the storm together.
With each day that passed where I didn’t hear from him, it was another reminder that the future I hoped for us grew further and further away.
Him being here now, having the chance to be near him again, despite knowing he could hurt me again, I want to say yes. I want to give in and soak up whatever I time I have with him.
Which is exactly why I don’t.
“I’m fully capable of making sure I get home on my own. I’ve been doing it for the past five years without your concern. You don’t have to take care of me, G.”
There’s a subtle tic in his jaw and I know I’ve succeeded at getting under his skin.
Sliding off the barstool, I put my feet on the floor. He doesn’t move to take a step back, but his eyes follow mine as I step in closer to him.
I stare up at him, feeling the warmth of his body and the feel of his breath feather over my cheek. I want to reach up and pull him close to me, to press my lips against his again. I want to know if he tastes as good as I remember.
I move to step around him, but before I’m able to get far, his hand wraps around the span of my hip.
“Halle,” he breathes, leaning in closer to me.
It’s loud in here, but I swear over the sound of the music I can hear my heart beating. I wonder for a moment if he can hear it too.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I close my eyes and try to gain some semblance of control, trying to avoid the tears forming in my eyes and once again hoping they don’t fall.
“I know I hurt you.” His voice breaks, as he lets out a deep breath. Neither of us move though. Neither of us try to break this connection between us. “I understand you’re still angry. I deserve it. I deserve for you to be angry with me. I just hope you know I’d give anything to take your pain away. I’m so damn sorry.”
With that, he turns and walks back to where our friends stand on the other side of the bar. His movements are confident, which are nothing like how I am feeling right now.
No, I feel like I’m on the edge of crumbling.
As much as I want to stay here, to celebrate Ellie and Callum with the rest of my friends, I just want to leave. I want to go home, nurse my wounds, and prepare to spend the weekend with our friends in Chicago.
But I don’t. Instead, I muster up every bit of strength I have in me, I follow along behind him to our friends. I’ll lick my wounds in peace tomorrow, with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a glass of rosé.
Tonight, I’m going to forget the ache in my heart I’ve carried for Graham Shaw and focus on being there for my friends.
8
Graham
* * *
I know I shouldn’t let her get to me the way she does, but I can’t help it. I’ve never been able to control the emotions she evokes in me, even after all these years.
The rest of the night goes by painfully slow. Halle spends most of the night laughing with the girls, while I try to do my best to keep my eyes off her. I thought after my apology, maybe it would ease the tension between us, but it seems like it’s only done the opposite.
She doesn’t look my way for the rest of the night.
A little while later, after I step away to use the restroom, I feel the pang in my chest when I return to find Halle missing.
“Halle left,” Kinsley says, as if picking up on my question. “She told us to tell you goodbye.”
She gives me a forced smile. Deciding to call it a night, too, I make my way around the table saying goodbye to my friends. Callum and Ellie are wrapped around each other on the dance floor. I don’t want to ruin their moment, so I ask Mason to tell his brother bye for me and I’ll see them next weekend when we take the trip to Chicago.
Kinsley stops me before I can make a beeline out the door.
“G, I don’t know what’s going on between you two. She won’t talk to me about it, but I know she’s torn apart seeing you again. She may not say it, but I know she’s thinking about how things used to be.”
I think about it too. When I was eighteen years old, she was everything to me. She was all I could see. She was like a ray of sunshine into my life. I would’ve done anything for her.
I will continue to do anything for her to make her happy. I don’t deserve her, her light, her goodness. I don’t deserve Halle, I never have.
“Nothing’s going on between us. I just wanted to make sure she got home okay.”
Kinsley’s laugh pulls my attention away from where my eyes are focused on the door, where she went. It’s loud and full, nearly causing her to fold her body in half letting it out.
“What’s so funny?”
“You! You’re so clueless. Nothing is going on? Are you serious?”
I want to say “yes, I’m serious” but she’s right. I’m a fool if I think we could be in the same town and know nothing would happen between us.
“I don’t deserve her, Kins. I don’t. Everything’s so fucked up.”
“You do deserve each other. Just promise me you won’t hurt her again or so help me, Graham Shaw,” she sighs, pointing her two fingers at her eyes and back to me. She squints her eyes, trying to intimidate me.
“I never wanted to hurt her. I’d rather rip my own heart out than do anything to hurt her. Please tell me you know that.”
Kinsley drops her hand, as the sadness returns to her face. Leaving Arbor Creek was never about wanting to hurt her but protecting her from me. She made me do reckless things to be near her and I’d never want the recklessness to lead to her being hurt.
Saying goodbye to Kinsley, I wave to my friends before heading toward the back door I entered through earlier that night. Stepping outside, I’m hit with the cool breeze. The sun has long since gone down and the heat from earlier in the day has settled into a cool air without the sunshine beating down on me.
Walking across the parking lot, the sound of the gravel crunches beneath my feet as I hit the lock on my truck. The sound of the alarm beeps, just as I hear the soft whimpers in the distance.
“It’s okay, Halle. It’s okay.” I hear whispered, causing my entire body to tense.
The sound of her muffled words has me on high alert, searching around me for the source of her cries.
“Halle, is that you?” My voice is firm, loud.
“Graham?” she asks. Her eyes blink beneath the dim light in the parking lot. They are full, with tears streaming down her face.
I want to stop and just stare in awe at her beauty, but I remind myself she has been crying. Despite what I just got done telling Kinsley, nothing is going on and I would never hurt her; I can’t deny whatever is hurting her now I want to be the one to be there for her. I want to be the one who holds her, comforts her.