I want to tell her that, but it’s not right.
Not the right time. It would just confuse her more. I don’t want her to stay with me out of manipulation or a sense of obligation, or anything like that.
I want her to stay with me because she wants me. Wants a life with me. A future with me.
She doesn’t, and I have to learn to live with that.
Despite how it fucking destroys me.
“Okay. I was just curious,” it’s all I can manage, so I start walking again, and I hear her shoes crunching against the earth, indicating that she’s doing the same.
We’re silent for a while, just walking and looking around at the natural beauty surrounding us, but it’s gotten progressively darker the farther in we go. I’m about to suggest we turn back when she stops, her hand out, palm up to the sky. “Was that rain I just felt?”
Just when I’m about to tell her I don’t feel anything, I do. Shit. “Yup. It’s rain. We should head back before it comes down on us.” And then the sky opens up and it begins to pour.
“Shit. Run.” I grab her hand and we run like hell.
We’re a few miles in and it’s coming down hard, so when I spot a fallen tree trunk that’s hovering several feet off the ground, wedged against another tree, I lead us there.
“We’ll have to wait it out. Let’s hope it’s just a passing shower.”
“Seriously,” Katie laughs, ringing out some of the excess water from her hair and then throwing it up on top of her head into a bun. “Dude, it’s freezing now. What the hell?” She shivers and I throw my arms around her, keeping her against me, because I’m cold too. And wet. Being cold and wet sucks. “So Ryan, now that we’re stuck in the forest in the middle of a rainstorm, we should get to know each other better.”
I laugh at the playful tone in her voice. Katie really does just roll with the punches, doesn’t she? “Sounds like a plan.” I kiss the damp, rain-scented top of her head. “What do you want to know?”
“I want to know about your work, but if you still don’t want to tell me, that’s cool too.”
Shit. Why does it always come back to that? “What specifically do you want to know?” I’m trying not to get annoyed, and I get her wanting to know since I’ve been way too cagey about it, but still.
“I know you do cybersecurity. That you own your own business. That you do favors for your friends. But I also know there’s more you’re not telling me.”
“Look, Katie, I’ve had trouble in the past with people I thought I could trust. I’m sorry for being so secretive about it, I’m just…cautious.”
“You don’t have to tell me. I get that you don’t know me all that well, so I can understand you not trusting me with something like that.”
She’s not saying this in a harsh or mean way. Or even a scheming, fake-hurt way. She’s being totally genuine, which makes me feel awful.
Do I trust Katie? Yes. I do.
But I also trusted Tristan, and look where that got me. Fuck it. Katie is not Tristan. Katie may in fact be the purest, most honest person I’ve ever met.
“I started out as a computer programmer in college. I’m very good at writing code and creating software and…that led to hacking into things.” She’s silent, just letting me speak with her head still pressed against my chest. “You know I created some apps in college, and that’s true. I also did other things that weren’t so…legal. That all stopped when a fellow competitor got busted by the Feds and I didn’t.”
She pulls in a rush of air, but doesn’t comment or react beyond that.
“After that, I used my skills to help prevent cybercrime,” I emphasize. “And yes, friends ask me to check out their stuff to make sure it’s good, and as it should be,” I sigh because here comes the rough part. “I’ve created a piece of software that is going to change cybersecurity. It’s—thus far—an impenetrable system that will protect servers and systems from cyberattacks and malware. It’s going live in the next few weeks, and that’s going to give me and my company a lot of press.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” She can tell by my voice that it is. At least, it feels like it could be. I squeeze her tightly against me, needing her warmth and comfort, her smell and essence.
Just fucking needing Katie.
“Shortly after college, I told my cousin Tristan about some of my misadventures in school, and how I got some of my money,” I breathe out hard, the air fogging in front of me. Damn, it’s cold. “Katie, you need to know, I never stole from anyone. I wasn’t going around taking what didn’t belong to me. But I did some things I’m not entirely proud of and…I profited from them.” I rush through the last part, feeling as ashamed as always when I think about it. “I’m a different man now. You understand that, right?”
She nods her head against my chest. “Yes. I believe you.”
The sincerity in her voice causes my eyes to slam shut, before opening them just as quickly. I’m so crazy for this woman.
“My cousin tried to blackmail me. Said he’d go to the Feds and turn me in if I didn’t pay him several millions of dollars.”
Her head snaps up to look at me, eyes full of pain and sympathy and maybe a little overprotective indignation for me. Jesus, that feels so good to see.
“He was in with the wrong people, which I didn’t know about at the time. Needed the money to pay them off. Anyway, he ended up getting arrested before any of this could happen, and then he tried to tell the Feds about me, though they didn’t seem to care much. There was no proof of anything against me, and all my money appeared to be explained by the software and apps I had created.” I stroke her cold moist cheek, her chin resting against my chest. “That’s why I don’t like press or attention. That’s why I don’t like notoriety or to talk about what I do. I’m trusting you with this because I don’t think you’ll go behind my back, and I doubt you’re after my money.” I try for a smile, but I’m sure she can see how bitter it is.
She snorts. “I could care less about your money, Ryan. Believe it or not, I have plenty of my own. Some of it I have no intention of spending. Ever,” she punctuates with widened eyes. “As for going behind your back, I could never ever do that. You’re a good man,” her fingers glide across my bristly cheek as her eyes sear into mine, “and I understand that you may have done some things that were not on the level, but we’ve all done things that we regret. I’m not judging you, and I’m certainly not going to betray the trust you’ve just imparted in me.”
I love you.
I want to say those words to her so badly my chest and throat are burning with the restraint to hold them in.
So I do the only thing I can do.
I kiss her and let it tell her for me. Her words mean everything to me. I’ve never met anyone quite like Katie, and I’m going to have to fight like hell to keep her.
“What do you mean you never intend to spend some of your money?” I ask when I’m done kissing her.
She shrugs a shoulder against my chest. The rain is still pounding all around us, but the large tree trunk is keeping us reasonably dry. Definitely not warm, but we’ll take what we can get right now.