“Elijah…” Asher’s voice filters into my ears, pulling me back to the present.
“Oh, uhhh, nothing… nothing happened last night,” I lie, attempting to hide the tremble in my voice. I don’t want to tell him about Bailey and me. It’s bad enough that he knows how much I want her. There’s no hiding things from the people that know you best. Asher’s known of my desires since before I ever kissed Bailey back in high school.
“Liar,” Asher sighs. “Why are you lying to me? Did you guys fuck? Did something happen?”
I grit my teeth, the tension in my jaw mounting. “I…. fuck…”
“Tell me what happened,” Asher orders in a tone that fills my veins with lava. Who the fuck does he think he is? I don’t have to tell him shit, and yet I want to. The need to confess my fucking sins burns through me.
“Yes, something happened, and I’m freaking the fuck out enough on my own without you giving me your fucking input.”
“You are so stupid… and blind. You had sex, didn’t you? Did you pop her cherry?”
My eyes widen beyond disbelief and I grip the phone hard enough to snap the fucking thing. “What? How the fuck did you know she was a virgin?”
“Well, I didn’t know, so slow the fuck down with the attitude. You sound like you’re ready to snap. I just assumed. She never dates, like she’s maybe gone on four dates since high school, and I’m sure I would know if she had a steady boyfriend since I know for a fact I would have to bail you out of jail for kicking his ass.”
True. Shit, maybe I should have paid better attention to her dating. If I had, I wouldn’t be in this mess I am right now. Then again, I probably would be, since virgin or not, Bailey was meant to be mine.
“So you said was… which means you did sleep with her… that’s interesting.”
“Interesting? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, I’m very interested to see what happens next. What did you guys talk about this morning? Did you have breakfast together?”
“No, she left before I woke up.”
“Ouch.” Sarcasm drenches that single word. For once, I’m the one left feeling like shit.
“Yeah, so she didn’t tell me she was a virgin, and she left before we could talk about anything. I want to be mad at her, but it’s like, what the fuck did I expect?” I shake my head, my eyes moving to the sheets marked with her blood.
Bloody sheets. Ruined friendship. It’s got heartache written all over it, and all because we crossed that invisible line and walked head first into lust.
“So, how does it feel?” He chuckles. “To be on the other side of the one-night stand.” My teeth grind together. The irony is not lost on me. Normally, I’m the one sneaking out before breakfast.
“Fantastic. It feels great to wonder if you screwed up with the one person that matters most to you. Fan-fucking-tastic. Thanks for asking.” I damn near chuck the phone in frustration.
“Oh stop,” Asher says, his voice taking on a fatherly tone. “Your friendship isn’t ruined. It’s not like she can go without you any more than you can go without her. You’re more than this. Why freak out over something that was meant to happen?”
“Meant to happen?” I exasperated. “Do you remember what happened when I kissed her in high school, when I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend?”
I remember it like it was yesterday, the tears on her pink cheeks, the trembling of her bottom lip, and the fear that filled her green eyes. She looked like I had ripped the rug out from underneath her feet and kicked her puppy instead of confessing my undying love.
She made me promise to never kiss her again, to never tell her that I wanted her more than a friend. So being the best friend I was, I swallowed my feelings down, burying them beneath a slew of endless women, hoping and praying that one day they would just go away.
But that was the thing about hope… it just grew, festering deep inside. But my hope wasn’t to forget about my feelings, not really, not if I was being honest. My hope was for Bailey’s feelings to grow.
“You both were young and naive. I guarantee you that she thought it would end your friendship. She probably also thought you were thinking with your dick, which you were.”
“I wasn’t,” I mutter. “I would’ve waited for her, Asher, and you know it.”
With a sigh, he says, “Don’t let what happened years ago, ruin the present. Obviously, she had been holding out, waiting for you, so that promise you made to her meant nothing. It was just a wall of protection.” I curl my lip in a snarl at his response.
He’s right, and me being the idiot, I fed right into it. I let us be nothing more than friends. I kept my promise to her, all while she secretly pinned for me. While I was fucking everything with a vagina, she was waiting for me to be her first.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I sigh. “Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Eli, don’t beat yourself up over this.”
My jaw aches with tension as I say, “I’ve got to go, Asher. Bye.” Hanging up the phone, I toss the device onto the bed.
I’ve never in my life wanted to kick myself in the balls more than I did today. She fooled me… fucking fooled me, pulled the wool right over my eyes. I’ve never wanted anyone as badly as I want her.
And now that I had a taste of her, I know it won’t be enough. And still, I can’t picture myself committing. Not even with her. Once, I gave her my heart, and she crushed it in her hands, blood splattering against the front steps of her childhood home.
I want her as much now as I did back then. The only difference is that she’s come to me this time. She gave herself to me, but I can’t give myself to her. The silver lining I suppose is that she hasn’t asked for anything more than she knew I could give her. But that pisses me off too, because while Bailey is a woman with a fantastic pair of tits and pussy made from gold, she is still my best friend, my first love, and she deserves the world.
She deserved my heart and sometimes I think it’s still on the floor in the high school hallway.
5
Bailey
* * *
One week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. That’s how long it’s been since I talked to Elijah. Since I looked at his sleeping form and snuck out of his apartment like the coward I am. I thought when I fell asleep that night I would wake up feeling refreshed, happy. I thought that once I lose my virginity, I could finally move on and find someone to have an actual relationship with, but instead, I woke up panicked. My insides clenching, twisting into a tight knot, while my heart beat so violently I was sure it was going to beat right out of my chest.
Regret hit me hard, and not because I actually regret what we had done, god no, that part would forever be burned into my brain, lingering there in the back of my mind.
My regret stemmed from being afraid. Afraid that our friendship was over. I’m ashamed that I’ve made such a selfish choice, that I’ve given in to my needs, my fantasies, risking years of friendship for one single night.
“He’s coming tonight,” Erin murmurs before shoving a chip into her mouth.