For a few minutes, I just lie there, enjoying having her in my arms. After a short while, I decide to get up and make some breakfast, but when I try to carefully move out of the bed, she stirs and blinks her beautiful green eyes open.
“Going somewhere?” she asks sleepily, wiping the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand. She gives me a sideways look and I know she is wondering if I noticed that she was drooling on me.
I can’t hide my grin. “I wasn’t going to leave if that’s what you are insinuating. I only wanted to make us some breakfast… and yes, I know you were slobbering on me all night.”
Her cheeks turn crimson and she sits up clinging to the blanket in front of her chest.
“Sorry,” she mumbles.
“Don’t be, it’s cute.”
“Cute?” She raises an eyebrow acting as if I’ve never said something like that about her, but I can’t even count on my fingers how many times I’ve told her she’s cute or adorable over the years. Then again, the words didn’t mean what they mean now.
“So, breakfast?” I ask, changing the subject to stop any further embarrassment. Plus, I need to get out of this bed before my restraint wears thin and I’m going to jump her again, sore or not.
I roll off the bed and find my boxers on the floor. I slip them on and head to the bathroom to use the toilet and wash my face. When I get back in the bedroom, Bailey is sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing an oversized t-shirt and leggings. She’s staring down at her hands as if they hold the answers to all her problems.
“You okay?”
Her head pops up at my question, worry creasing her forehead. “I need to know what you meant last night? I need to know for certain what this is?”
I take a deep breath before walking over to the bed, taking a seat next to her. “I meant what I said. I want you, and I can’t not have you any longer. I love you and I miss you… but… you know I can’t… you know… I can’t settle down,” I stumble over the words like a child. “My mother fucked me up good with that, and I won’t hurt you by getting into a relationship that I know won’t lead anywhere. When it comes to women, I’m fucked in the head, Bailey. I’ve never really talked about my mother with you, but it’s… it wasn’t good.”
Bailey’s features soften. “I don’t think you would hurt me on purpose, but I understand. Maybe one day you can explain to me what happened, and what made you become this way?” She sounds disappointed, and that’s exactly what I didn’t want. Somehow, even after all that I’ve said, she still wants to help me, wants to be my friend.
Fuck, I don’t deserve her.
“You mean the world to me, Bailey, but I’m not going to put a label on us. I don’t want to hurt you and there is a chance that I could. This is the safest option for both of us. We both get sex out of it. You get to experience sex with someone you trust, and I get to feast on every inch of you, but hear me when I tell you this is as far as it will go.” I hate saying these words, but even with Bailey, I can’t see myself moving in, getting married, or having kids. As much as I love her and want her, I can never take those steps. The fear of giving myself to someone, even Bailey, it terrifies me. I would love to try, make an effort but not at the expense of breaking her heart and ruining us further. That’s a weakness I cannot afford, something that’s been ingrained into my head since my mother left right after I was born.
Never fall in love... never give them your heart. You want to end up like your dad? Make better choices… women are used for one thing and one thing only: sex. My father’s words vibrate off the inside of my skull and I hate that even after all this time, I can remember them as if he’s right in front of me speaking them.
“I understand and I know you don’t plan on ever getting married or being a family man and I’m not going to expect you to change any of that for me…but…” She worries her bottom lip with her teeth, and I know something is weighing on her mind. “I do need you to promise me something… that if we do this friends with benefits thing… that you won’t… I don’t want you to sleep with other women.”
My throat clogs with emotion. What the fuck? Yeah, I’m scared of commitment, of an actual relationship, but I’m not a fucking asshole. This isn’t a one-time deal, this is an agreement.
“Oh Sunflower, didn’t you listen to me last night? You ruined me for other women. All I want is you. So yes, I promise, as long as we are doing this, I will not sleep with another woman. And in return, I don’t want to see you with another man. When it comes to sex, it’s just you and me, understand?”
“As long as you don’t step out on me, I won’t step out on you.”
I cock a brow. “As if I could step out on you, Sunflower, do you see how beautiful you are?” Twisting, I grab her by the hips and pull her onto my lap, feeling the need to hold her, to feel her against my skin. As I inhale her sweet scent, the need inside me eases a little.
“Really?” she squeaks, her hands pushing against my bare chest. “You can’t just pick me up like I weigh nothing and move me whenever you want me.”
“But I can…” I wiggle my eyebrows. Her eyes flicker to my lips and I see the arousal start to paint her features, and I’ll bet if I put my fingers inside her right now I would find her cunt drenched, willing, and waiting to be filled.
Then as if she was in nothing more than a trance, her eyes snapped back up to mine. “We need to establish some ground rules.” She wiggles on my lap as if she’s trying to get away and I grip onto her hips harder to stop her from moving.
“Stop wiggling, Sunflower, my patience is paper thin, my appetite for you endless, so unless you want me to take you across the couch, while you scream my name, I suggest you stop.” Her doe eyes widen and her movements halt.
“We cannot do this… where you hold me in your arms. That’s not… that’s not what friends with benefits do.” With a flustered expression, she presses against my chest once more, but I’m like a bull, and if Bailey has learned anything in all the years of our friendship, I’m one incredibly stubborn and two, built like a brick shit house.
“How would you know what friends with benefits do? We both know you’ve never done this before.” I smirk. “So, I’ll hold you in my arms if I damn well please... I’ll also kiss you and fuck you. Basically, I’ll do whatever I want with you because you’re mine.”
My response surprises even me, but it’s not like it’s not true.
She rolls her eyes. “You can’t say things like that either. We need some ground rules, like, for instance, no falling in love.” And just like acid rain pouring down on me, the sudden seriousness of it all hits me.
“Easy. Just because I want to cuddle doesn’t mean I’m falling in love. And what about you, Miss Jealous Pants... how about no jealousy?” I watch her tiny little jaw tighten. She’s so fucking adorable. Lifting a hand, I brush my thumb against the tight muscles.
“Fine, no jealousy, but that shouldn’t be hard to do since we both agreed to seeing no one else while we do this.” I don’t miss the bitterness to her tone, and I chuckle softly, which only earns me a dirty look.