CHAPTER ONE
Dear Guinevere,
I’ll be sending Jeanine to collect Dillan for me on Thursday the eighth. Please have him ready with enough supplies for the weekend. I’ll send him back the following Monday. If this date is an issue for you, please contact Jeanine; I know you both still talk.
Regards
Nathan.
A torrent of emotions flit through me as I grip the perfectly written, letter sized note in my hands, ready to screw it into a ball and throw it at something.
How dare he?
After everything he put me through, after the way he just left us without a second glance, suddenly he wants to see Dillan? He’s so infuriating.
Does he honestly think I’ll just let him take Dillan without speaking to me first? Without explaining anything first? He’s crazy.
I immediately type out a text to Jeanine, feeling a little better when I send it.
Guinevere: Please tell Nathan I respectfully decline his request to take Dillan for four nights. If he wants to see his nephew he can come and collect him personally. This is nothing against you; I just don’t feel comfortable using you as a go between, especially when it concerns my son’s welfare.
My anger dissipates for a few seconds when a thought comes to mind that shocks me. I instantly push it away, cursing myself for thinking something so vile about a man who, even though he’s been mean as of late, has always been there for Dillan and I, even when it was clear that he didn’t want to be.
Nathan will never be his Grandfather. Not all abuse victims end up as abusers themselves. I can’t believe I even entertained the idea.
That’s not the issue here; the issue is that I’m finally getting on with my life. I’ve got an amazing job at a bakery around the corner called ‘Valentine’s’ where I’m working for a lovely elderly lady called Valentine. Best cakes in town. My mum and I are finally in a good place and I’m enjoying being a mum myself. Dillan is happy and is thriving as much as a baby can. I love him so much.
Nathan let go of me! Not the other way around. He doesn’t get to decide anything. It’s not my fault that I saw what I saw. I didn’t deserve his treatment then and I definitely don’t deserve it now.
Pain slices through my chest when I think back to the DVDs I discovered, showing me the vile things that will forever plague my mind.
The sound of my phone snaps me from the horrendous images that I wish I could forget. I pick it up with a trembling hand and sigh with relief at her response. I was worried she’d find my text offensive.
Jeanine: I told him this but he wouldn’t listen. I’ll pass the message along.
I wonder how he’ll react. I can already imagine his lips thinning to a white line as his hands fist by his sides.
Good. I hope he gets angry.
Guinevere: Thank you :)
Is it wrong that I still miss him?
My mum comes upstairs and pokes her head into the room. “Everything okay?”
I shrug. “Yeah.”
“Was it from Nathan?” It’s obvious because I never get mail, especially not handwritten mail.
I nod and sigh. “Yeah.” He hates me.
“We’ll talk about it soon; I’m going to be late for work.” she ducks back out of my room and moments later I hear the shower running.
Dillan starts to stir and I take a moment to feed him and change him. Whenever I’m tending to him, my thoughts stay on him. I know I should stop using him as a distraction and face my jumbled thoughts, but I don’t want to.
My mum suggested I keep a journal but I’d fill the book in less than a day. I worry too much.
When Dillan is settled on my bed, on his back between my open legs, I read the letter again and curse Nathan in my mind. I don’t fully understand why he refuses to acknowledge me. I get that I saw something I shouldn’t have, but does he not want to see me because of embarrassment or shame?
If so, doesn’t he realize he has nothing to be ashamed of? Nothing that happened to him was his fault.
My phone alerts me to another text.
Jeanine: He says to stop being ridiculous, he wants to see his nephew. (His words, not mine. I’m with you on this.)
Guinevere: Is he kidding? Please tell me he’s kidding. Tell him, from me, to go and bleep himself. If he wants to see Dillan he can come to me personally. Otherwise he’s not having him. Tell him it’s that way or no way.
Dillan gurgles and I smile, “Yep, all of this fuss is because so many people love you.” Even though I’m shocked that Nathan got in touch at all, I’m also relieved that he still wants to see Dillan. They had a strong bond. Nathan really stepped up and acted like a Daddy to Dillan. I don’t want to stop their contact but, after the way we parted, I need to know that Nathan is mentally stable enough to look after him.
I feel guilty for feeling this way but it’s a rational thought I suppose. Nobody can blame me for wanting to protect my son, even if it is from family.
Especially considering what happened with Nathan, I trust Nathan, truly I do, but I need to be sure. His family does not have the best track record and I can’t risk Dillan suffering the same fate.
Nobody knows what transpired back at Nathan’s, not even Sasha. I just tell them we had a very bad argument. They all know I’m withholding from them, but it’s not my business to tell. Besides, I wouldn’t know where to begin.
Jeanine: He’s agreed and will pick him up on the eighth. I’m glad that’s sorted. How are you?
I should ask her about Nathan but I don’t want her to be stuck in the middle. It’s not fair on her, considering she has to work with him. As much as I’m tempted, I don’t want to make this awkward for her so I tell her my news instead.
Guinevere: I got the job!! So I’m great. Dillan is trying to eat my knee and my mum is a lot better than I expected.
Jeanine: Oh my darling, I’m so happy for you. Maybe this move was the best thing for you after all.
Falling back onto my pillow, I pick up Dillan and cuddle him to my chest. His little head bobs up and down, a trail of drool dribbling from his lip to the curve of my breast. Nice. “Gross little monkey!” I giggle, causing him to smile again.
He looks so much like Caleb when he smiles, but it doesn’t break my heart; it warms it and fills my mind with beautiful memories.
My mum leaves without more than a goodbye; she’s really late. I wave to her using Dillan’s baby fist before closing the door and sitting down in the living room. After placing him in his bouncer I slump on the couch and let out a long and tired sigh. I can’t wait until Sasha arrives. Maybe she’ll let me sleep for a while.
Doubtful.
******
“He just puked on me, which would be okay if it was normal baby milk out of a carton, but it’s not. It’s breast milk, from your boobies obviously, which is really grossing me out!” This is Tommy, who has decided to tag along with Sasha.
“Stop being such an idiot,” Sasha laughs and begins wiping at the small spot of drool and dribble on Tommy’s black polo shirt with a bib.