We arrive home and I’m not relieved in the slightest to see that my mum isn’t here. If she were here, this talk might not happen just yet, which would be a relief.
“I’ll just change him real quick.” I mutter, following Nathan into the room. Nathan nods as I take Dillan from his seat and he follows me up the stairs, much to my dismay. I need a moment to clear my head. Just a moment. “Can I have a moment?”
“So you can think of ways out of this?” Nathan grins. It’s very attractive and it throws me a little, mainly because of my strong reaction to it. What with him in my bedroom, now sitting on my bed, smiling casually like he’s never done before. “Not a chance.”
“Right.” I turn, my throat clenching as I swallow. “I’ll be just a minute.” Dillan starts wailing, not happy to be disturbed as I take my time changing his nappy and clothes. “Can you settle him for me? I need to wash my hands.”
“Sure.” Before the word is out of his mouth, I’m out of the room and the bathroom door is shutting behind me. I lean against it for a moment, gathering my thoughts and catching my breath. After knocking the back of my head against the wooden door a few times in the hope that it’ll knock some sense into me, I finally step away from the door and do what I came to do. I wash my hands, but also splash water on my face.
Staring at myself in the mirror, I question my looks. I’m not one who’ll sit there picking at herself; I’ve never had the patience for that. I don’t think I’m hideous, but I’m not model material either. Why does he want me? Why did Caleb want me? Why does Eric want me? They all must see something in me that I don’t.
Or maybe that’s why, maybe it’s because I’m not arrogant or self-assured. I just am what I am and that’s that.
But still… all of this angst and emotional ache. All of this yearning.
From whom? Why do I assume he’s yearning? Nathan I mean.
Oh god. It’s not him who’s yearning, or if he is, then he isn’t the only one.
When I re-enter my bedroom, Nathan is lying on my bed with his arms behind his head. He looks at me and winks. It’s subtle and sweet and makes me sway on the spot a little. “I want to move here. If you won’t come back with me, that is.”
He waits for my answer, his brown irises peeking through hooded lids. I respond “I can’t. I’m happy here.”
“Okay.” He holds out his hand for me to take. Stepping forward, I do just that. “Then it’s settled. I’ll move here and have Dillan for you while you work.”
“I can’t move in with you.”
He lets out a breath, but I see him relent before he confirms my thoughts. “I know. Maybe not right now, but soon.”
“And what about when we start dating? Living together will be weird and you know it.”
His brow furrows, but then his lips twitch as his mind switches from one thought to another. “You wouldn’t like it if I dated?”
“That’s not what I meant.” I grumble, but that’s exactly what I meant. I just didn’t know it until I said it.
“How would you feel about dating me?” He asks, catching me completely off guard.
I blink, my mouth opening as if trying to catch the right words to say from the air around me. “Umm…”
“That wasn’t a no.” He leans up on his elbows after releasing my hand, his longish hair falling in his eyes. I reach forward and push it back slowly, so silky, so soft. “I still don’t hear a no.”
“It’s weird.” I whisper, sitting on the side of the bed and looking at his collar in an attempt to avoid his eyes. “I don’t think I can.”
“You could try.”
I shake my head. “It wouldn’t be fair.”
He uses his finger under my chin to tip my face up. “Caleb’s dead. He’d want you to be happy.”
“I wasn’t talking about Caleb.” I admit, feeling shamed. Now he looks confused. I don’t blame him. “It wouldn’t be fair on you.”
“How so?” He leans forward even more, his eyes searching mine. They flicker down to my lips as his hand moves from beneath my chin to cup my cheek.
“You deserve better.” I say, trying to deter him. It doesn’t. If anything, he smiles even more and I’m wondering what’s so funny. “I’m serious.”
He chuckles, sliding his hand around my neck to pull me closer. My hands immediately go to his chest as one of his legs go behind me and the other goes over the side of the bed. I’m now effectively sitting in between his legs. The heat from his crotch is hitting me right in the hip. Oh god. “You don’t know your own worth. Don’t pull away. I can see it in your eyes, just like the other night. You want me.”
“I can’t be what you need to me to be. I can’t give you what you deserve.” I try to explain, but still he moves closer.
“You already do.” He moves closer still and I make no attempt to move away. The thought of his clearly soft and inviting lips on mine makes me want to inch closer, but it’s not fair on him right now. He needs total honesty.
I moan about him not talking to me, him not being honest with me, yet I’m not doing the same. “Stop. We need to talk.”
“It can wait.” he pushes, his nose now only an inch from mine.
“No, really it can’t.”
“It can.” He says breathily. I feel it on my lips; my nose picks up mint, Nathan and coffee. I bet he’s delicious.
Using what small amount of willpower I have left, I stand and back away from him. My lips are tingling with the need to feel his. “This can’t happen. Ever.”
“Why?” He follows. I knew he would, but I prayed that he wouldn’t. Caging me in with his arms, he leans forward once more. Dear god. He’s relentless.
“I’m still seeing, Eric.” I blurt and my chest aches with a sharp pain when he immediately takes a step back, pain evident in his eyes.
“Then stop seeing Eric.” He bites out, running his hand through his hair. “Tell him you don’t want to see him anymore.” He waits for my agreement, his eyes narrowed in anger. After a moment of silence, his eyes widen in realisation. “You like him.”
Do I? I should like him. He’s a nice guy and he’s charming, funny and very sweet. He’s handsome and, sure, I’m attracted to him. Also, he’s not Caleb’s brother. “I’m just seeing where it goes.”
“Seeing where it goes.” He repeats in a quiet voice. Seconds later, his eyes come back to mine. “And the reason you’re choosing him?”
“Choosing?” Now I’m confused.
“Yes. You barely know him, whereas you know me very well. I’m offering you the same as he is, but with the guarantee of trust and respect. You already get both from me. You have done for a long time now.” All very valid points. His voice lowers and his eyes darken. “I won’t chase you, Guinevere. If this is a game you’re playing, don’t. Choose wisely.”
A game? “This isn’t a game.” I scoff, scowling at him. “How could you think that of me?”
“Because you still deny yourself the chance to be with the person you love, on the grounds of me being Caleb’s brother. Caleb, who is unfortunately deceased. Caleb, who would want you to be happy with the person you choose and you know it.”