“Love?” I blink in astonishment. “You think I love you?” I do, of course I do, but not in that way. Doesn’t he know that?
He looks at me, his eyes wary. “You don’t?”
“No.” Oh shit, why’d I have to say it like that? “I mean… not in that way.”
“In what way?”
Good question, “I don’t know.”
“Tell me, because you love Tommy right? And you don’t let him touch you the way you let me touch you.” He smiles smugly, but it falls at his own words. “Do you?”
Ewww. “No! Of course not.”
“Then explain what kind of love it is you have for me. It’s definitely not brotherly, not the kind of love you’d have for me if Caleb were alive.” This is also true. “So what is it?”
“It’s not enough!” I shout, my hands fisting by my sides. “It’s not enough.” I say softer this time.
“I’m not?”
“No, you are, but you’re just… it won’t work.”
He laughs coldly. “You haven’t tried.”
“I can’t look at you and not think of him!” I yell, my hand pointing to the picture on my nightstand. “And what you’re proposing is just too weird for me to fathom.”
“You’ll get used to it.” He grabs me, one hand on my cheek and the other on my shoulder. “We’ll get used to it together. Just try.”
“I can’t.” I snap. Why won’t he stop pushing?
“Tell me why!” He’s looking as angry and as irritated as I feel.
“Because I will never love you as much as I loved him!”
He rolls his eyes. “You’ll love me a different way. It’ll take time, but I’m willing to wait.” His hands go to my hips and pull me into him. “You’re already halfway there. Let me help you the rest of the way.”
“Stop it.” I try to shove against his chest, but he doesn’t let me. “Let me go.”
“Stop trying to pull away. Your excuses are feeble and you know it. Why won’t you let yourself be happy? Who cares that I’m his brother? You can’t help who you fall in love with.”
I want to kick him. Why won’t he stop? “I’m not in love with you.”
“That’s rubbish.” He grits out, pressing me into the door. “I don’t believe you. You’re running out of excuses.”
“I don’t want to be with you. It’s weird.”
“Another lie. Keep going. I want to keep ticking them off of the mental list in my head.” He presses his forehead to mine, his eyes shining with determination. “You want me; I know you do. You crave me almost as much as I crave you.”
“Shut up.” I plead, still pushing at him.
“Just admit it. We can date, take it at your speed. I’ll be patient; I won’t push you. You’ve got no excuse, just…”
“I promised him.” I shout, slamming my hands against his chest, my chest heaving and my body sagging. “I promised him I’d stay away from you.”
This time he does let me go. He takes two staggering steps backwards. “What?”
“He made me swear.” I explain, my eyes burning as they look into Nathan’s. “And I swore that I wouldn’t.”
Nathan nods, his tongue and teeth worrying his lower lip. “He made you swear?”
“Yes.”
“And what did he say exactly?” His voice is a growl, one that tells me if Caleb were alive, he wouldn’t be for much longer.
Does he really need to know the specifics? “I don’t remember exactly what was said. Just that I made him a promise and I’m not going to break it.”
“Fine.” His voice is no longer a growl, but deceptively calm. “I should go.”
“Nathan.” I reach for him, his blank face hitting me deeper than it would if it weren’t blank. When it is blank, it tells me he’s hiding his feelings, and when he’s hiding them, he’s dealing with them alone. He’s done enough of that in his life. “We can be friends.”
He laughs coldly like he did earlier and moves away from my reaching hand. “Friends? Gwen, I have no interest in having friends. Nor did I ever have an interest in having a girlfriend until you came along.”
“Nathan…”
“Do you honestly wish to torment me in such a way? Knowing how I feel? Knowing that I know how you feel? Yet you’ll allow me, as your friend, to see you with another man. I never knew you to be so cruel.”
Great, the formal talk is back out. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” He spits. “I lost you once already. I can deal with it again.”
“And what about Dillan?” I shouldn’t ask, but I need to know.
“I…” He closes his mouth and looks over at the cot where Dillan lies peacefully sleeping. “I don’t know. I’ll be in touch.”
He nods his head, telling me to move out of the way. I do so and watch as he pulls open the door. He stops in the frame, his shoulders tense. I wait for him to speak. “If only you knew what kind of man my brother was, you wouldn’t be so quick to turn me away.”
“What?” I charge after him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
He continues forward, opening the front door without speaking a word before slamming it shut behind him. My hair whips across my face with the draft formed by the power of the slam. I stare at the door for a long while. What did he mean? Caleb was perfect. He never did anything wrong, not to me.
Did he?
CHAPTER NINE
“Hey, are you listening?” Eric throws a cheesy puff at me and it bounces off my forehead. “You’re proper spacing out on me this morning.”
I blink myself from my thoughts and give him a weak smile. “Sorry, I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
He slides closer to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. “It’s cool. You space out; I’ll just stare at you.”
Giggle.
“So, what has you spacing out?”
Wince. “It’s a long story.”
“I have time.” He checks his watch. “So do you.”
This is true. “My mum will be back with Dillan soon.”
“Good, I want to meet him.” I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off. “I think it’s time.”
“What?” I laugh incredulously. “We’re not serious or anything. We haven’t even kissed yet.”
He grins wickedly. “I could change that, right now.”
Using my hand flat on his face, my palm over his comically puckered lips, I push him away. “You’ve been eating cheesy puffs for breakfast. I think I’ll pass.”
He throws his head back and laughs, then his eyes come to me. “Now I have to kiss you.”
“You really don’t.” I scoot away but he moves closer. “Stop.”
“You’re laughing, which means you’re not serious.”
My phone rings, effectively cutting off my laughter and his shoving. “Hello?”