He laughs, a long single sound from his open mouth. I see Nathan smile out of the corner of my eye. “I did this with him the last time I had him. He found it very enjoyable.” He’s nervous; I can hear it in his voice. “Here.” He reaches for Dillan, so I quickly shuffle away. His hands fly back to his lap and he blinks, his mouth falling open in shock.
“Yeah, he loves this game. Hidey…”
“I’ll make us coffee,” he says quietly, scratching the slight shadow on his jaw. “Would you like anything else whilst I’m in the kitchen?”
“Boo!” And Dillan’s magical laugh comes again. I glare at the man beside me and clip, “No thank you,” before turning back to my smiling boy. He’s so adorable. I just want to eat him.
Nathan stays seated for a short while, staring at me expectantly, possibly hoping for his morning hug and kiss. When he realises he’s not going to get either, he stands, sighs and leaves the room.
“Not this time,” I say to Dillan in a baby voice. “No way am I letting him get away with it this time.” I lift him until he’s eye level with me. “What do you think? Huh?” I nuzzle my face in his belly, eliciting another laugh and a high pitched squeal of excitement that I’ve never heard from him before. “Yes, I agree. We won’t talk to him today.” I nuzzle his belly, trying to get another squeal from him.
Squelch.
Dear Lord, I do believe my baby’s bowels have become rotten during the night. Ugh.
“Nath…” Ah… damn it. That was close. I forgot I wasn’t talking to him properly. “Looks like I’m going to have to deal with this one myself.”
When we return to the room, Nathan is sitting on the couch slumped forward with his head in his hands. I look away when he looks up and sit in the seat across the room. Dillan has hold of a teething ring and is swinging it around. I doubt he even knows he’s holding anything; he just likes moving his arms.
“Would you like me to take him?” Nathan asks, worrying his lower lip. “Gwen…” He stands and walks over to me. I turn sideways, trying to avoid his hands. They reach out and take Dillan. I can hardly play tug of war with my baby, so I release him pretty easily. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I’m sorry.” Why does he sound angry?
“Great,” I say flippantly and hold out my arms. “Can I have my son back now? I’m going to be at work soon. This is all I get with him before I get home at six.”
His jaw clenches. “I said I was sorry.”
“My son,” I snap, holding out my hands.
“I’m not going to see him until later either, or have you forgotten I have to pick up the keys in an hour?” He bites back, turning to leave.
“Then wait until it’s your turn!”
“Why do you get to decide when it’s my turn?” He looks at me incredulously. “Because you’re angry with me? I’m sorry, I should never have behaved the way I did, but there is nothing I can do about it now. Keeping Dillan from me is unfair to him.”
“I’m not keeping Dillan from you; I’m having my morning time with him!”
“And I want my time with him!”
We stare at each other for a moment.
“Neither of you are getting time with him!” My mum shouts from the doorway, looking annoyed, tired and rather dishevelled. We’ve clearly woken her. She stomps to Nathan, snatches Dillan from his arms and gives us both the look. “This isn’t healthy for him. Guinevere, stop being a bitch.” She’s kidding, right? “You’re both acting like children and everything you do will affect him.” She turns to Nathan. “Whatever you did to make her mad, your apology was terrible. Work on that.” Then she turns to me. I feel like cowering. If I had a tail it would be between my legs right now. “Valentine called your mobile five minutes ago; you left it upstairs. I answered. She needs you to go in in twenty minutes. I said you’d be there.”
Great.
She leaves the room with Dillan. I sigh and follow suit, needing to get ready and quick.
I feel terrible. I feel like a bad mum right now.
“Gwen.” Nathan follows me until I slam my bedroom door in his face.
He only opens it again, as I knew he would, but at least I got my point across.
“I am sorry.”
Gah. “You shoved me.” I pull my pyjama top over my head and throw it on the bed, which, as per usual when Nathan stays, is made to perfection.
“What?” He takes a step back, a frown on his face.
“Last night, when I was kissing you, everything was fine and then suddenly…” I slice my hand through the air. “You shoved me and it wasn’t gentle.”
He visibly pales. “I…” His throat bobs as he swallows. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, but if I’d been any further to the right I would have fallen backwards off the bed.”
Blinking a few times, he stands to his full height, nods and moves towards the door.
Now I’m confused. “I thought we were talking?”
“There’s nothing to say.” His face is a blank mask when he turns to face me.
“Don’t you dare!” I snap and he freezes on the spot, his hand suspended in mid-air only a few inches from the door handle. “Don’t you dare! That’s my decision!”
“Sorry?”
“Do you know what? Forget it. Go. Run. I have to get ready for work.” I snarl, pulling clothes from my drawers.
He opens the door, but stops again when it’s wide enough for him to exit.
“If you’re waiting for me to stop you, don’t bother; you’ll be waiting a long time.”
He doesn’t respond but I see the indecision on his face.
“I had a dream about Caleb last night,” I tell him, not bothering to look at him this time. “He was angry, really angry. He told me he’d never forgive me.”
He still doesn’t speak. I’m starting to worry he’s had a stroke.
“I didn’t understand what was going on. It felt like the day before he died, except he wasn’t sick.” I tug my shirt over my head and do the buttons up the front. “And then I woke up; I remembered you and there you were, sleeping peacefully. I remembered I was angry at him for what he did to you. I just…” I turn to face him in nothing but my shirt and knickers. “I was sad; it hurt. I felt like I’d lost him all over again but then… then I remembered what you’d lost because of him. It made me angry.” He looks regretful for a moment and opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t allow him to. “For a while I just stared at you, trying to sort out my thoughts. Do you have any idea how hard this is already for me? Especially after yesterday, after what we did together…” Which had a rather uncomfortable ending, what with him not climaxing and then lying about it, but I don’t add this part. “I just needed to forget for a while, which is funny because you’re the cause of all of this angst. You’re the reason for my guilt, yet you’re the one person that makes me forget the world. How insane is that?”
“I assaulted you.” He says, staring at me in disbelief.
“And I’m not making excuses for you. I’m also not forgiving you. But I’m warning you, if you leave now, or at any point in the future, I won’t come after you. Not unless it’s my fault.” Which I really hope it’s not. “Make your decision, because it will be your final one regarding us. But…” He tries to interrupt me, but I raise my hand. “If you decide to stay, then we’ll start over. Properly. You opened up to me yesterday. I want to hear the rest of it. Not immediately, but soon. Only the things that regard me. For example,” I tug on a pair of jeans and balance on one leg as I pull on a sock, “that envelope that somebody wanted me to see. I’ve literally scrambled my brain trying to figure out what it could be but I can’t even…” I trail off, cursing when I see the time. Running a brush through my hair, I turn back to Nathan and give him a firm look. “Are you leaving or are you staying? You have thirty seconds to decide.”