Nathan, catching my eye as he playfully chastises my son, winks and gives me a secret smile. One that promises me things for later, hopefully good things. Good things without a stupid condom I double hope.
I return his smile and then we race.
He wins and because I’m such a sore loser and he’s such a smug winner, I don’t talk to him for three minutes until he promises to let me win next time but make it look legit. I can live with that.
By the time the sun sets and we finish eating at a local restaurant, we’re exhausted and ready to go home.
This has probably been one of the best days of my life so far. And I have crappy photo booth pictures to remember it by.
******
After showering, I tightly wrap a towel around me and make my way into the bedroom. Nathan, who had his shower the minute we walked into the house, is sat in bed leaning against the headboard, a book in his hands.
He puts it down and stares at me as I make my way across the room to the closet. His mouth falls open slightly and I hear him suck in a sharp blast of air when I pull the towel from around my body and use it to dry my hair.
Giving him an innocent smile, I do something I’ve never even had the courage to think of doing before and bend over, using the towel to dry my legs and ankles.
The way his eyes remain on me, the pupils dilating and his usually glistening lips seeming to dry as he watches me, makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth.
“W…” He clears his throat and tries again. “What are you doing?”
“Getting ready for bed.”
“It doesn’t look like that from over here,” he mutters and I have to turn my head to stop him from seeing my gleeful smile. “Maybe you should put some clothes on.”
“It’s warm. I was just going to sleep like this. You don’t mind, do you?”
His throat bobs when he gulps. “I suppose not.”
“I’ll just braid my hair.” I do this quickly and place the towel in the laundry basket. When I turn back to him, I notice the book he was reading is now lying face down on his lap. Over his crotch. “Have you finished with this?” I take the book from his lap and try not to smirk when I see the thin bed sheet pop up into a tent like shape.
“I have now,” he says, his eyes narrowing with lust.
I quickly slide onto his lap, my crotch against his, with only his boxers and the thin sheet separating us. His hands rest against my hips and his eyes close when I grind against him.
“Let’s try,” I say quietly, running my hands through his hair.
“Try?” His voice sounds relaxed and languid.
“Yeah, let’s try.” I press my mouth to his and with remarkable skill, I work the sheet from between us as he’s distracted. His eyes fly open when he realises what he’s done. “Just try, that’s all I’m asking. It’s not a big deal if you can’t, but you need to get over it sooner or later and I think I can help you with that.”
He shakes his head. “You know it’s not about whether I can or can’t, Gwen.”
“I know. And I think you’ve been doing this for so long, you don’t know how to do it any other way anymore.”
“I don’t feel comfortable with this.”
“Doesn’t it tempt you at all?” I ask, referring to my naked parts against him. “How do you control yourself when you’re actually inside?”
He blinks and exhales a slow breath. “With extreme difficulty.”
So if I push hard enough, eventually he’ll give in?
“I can see what you’re thinking. Please don’t,” he says, almost harshly. “Please Gwen. You said we’d take it slow.”
I shrug. “We are. Like I said, if you don’t want to try, then push me away right now and we’ll have sex the way we usually do.”
There’s a long pause and neither of us seems to breathe. I take this as a ‘please continue,’ and do just that. My mouth finds his neck. Then his chest, then his navel.
Then I’m on my back and Nathan has my hands either side of my head. “Not tonight,” he whispers, kissing my lips sweetly.
I can’t hide my disappointment. I got quite excited then. As soon as it comes, I push it away and nod with a reassuring smile. It’s too late though, he sees my disappointment and winces.
Crap.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Gwen, I’ve fed, changed and bathed Dillan. He was sleeping when I left. Got a call at seven, had to rush to the store. I should be back later but don’t worry if I’m not.
I’ll call you.
I love you.
N
P.S. You looked too peaceful to wake.
I sigh and place the note back on the pillow. Dillan is definitely no longer asleep. I, however, still want to sleep. We may not have had sex last night, but we did stay up until three in the morning play fighting and then talking.
It was a good night, but a tense one; that’s why we started play fighting I think. He’s rough. I wish he’d be a bit more like that while penetrating me.
Dillan smiles as soon as he sees me. It’s beautiful and it warms me down to my toes.
“I love you too little man,” I say as I lift him up and out of his cot. When I see his outfit, I stare for a few moments, blinking rapidly. Then I throw my head back and laugh. “Uncle is a git isn’t he?”
Dillan is in a baby sized suit. He looks ready to go to a wedding or a christening. Where did Nathan get this? It’s adorable and I refuse to change him out of it now.
“Let’s go and see Tiffany.” I carry him downstairs and place him in his pram.
Once I’m ready and the changing bag is full, I exit the house into the unusually warm sun and talk to Dillan about everything I see that I wish he could see and point at.
We’ve been walking for about ten minutes when something catches my eye. Looking to my right I see a new poster along the clock tower and frown. It’s a mattress commercial I think. The words seem to penetrate something deep inside of me,
What would you do if you were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream? Would you do it all over again?
To which a unicorn responds:
I’d buy a new mattress.
That’s not an answer… it also doesn’t make sense. I feel cheated.
What would I do if I were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream and Caleb were alive and we were getting ready to be married? It seems like an unfair question to ask myself. Would I be able to let the love I have for Caleb go to be with his brother?
Wow… I just totally caved in my own mind. I have no idea who I’d choose.
There’s no use thinking like this though. It’s stupid and pointless. Caleb isn’t coming back and I’m not going to wake up and realise this was a dream.
What’s worse is the fact that if it is a dream, I don’t think I want to wake up.
A new wave of guilt fills me, but I push it away. I’m human. I don’t have anything to feel guilty about right now. It’s time to move on. If Nathan is the man I move on with, then so be it.
Sorry Caleb, but my mind is made up.