He’s talking about me. My heart slams against my ribs, almost as if waking itself up after a long sleep. I rub my chest, my breath shallow and my eyes wide as I read on.
She was on the beach again today. I watched her for a really long time. Then I watched her walk back. I wonder what her name is. I wonder why she’s so happy.
The next few days are written with similar things, all about me. All of them. Nothing else.
I have to meet her. I went down there today but the sand… I couldn’t do it. I hate it.
I waited like a stalker at the pavement near the kids play area. It’s as close to the beach as I’d allow myself to be.
She doesn’t leave the beach, I watched her stop about forty yards from the pavement where I stood, turn and walk back. I tried to follow her path but the route she goes takes her behind a row of houses and no matter where I looked, I couldn’t find the place where she exited and went home.
I felt disappointment.
I felt determination.
Oh my god. He wasn’t lying… about any of it.
I saw them kiss. I saw them as I waited. I trusted him.
I never trust anybody but I trusted him.
He led her right by me yesterday, yet I still trusted him.
I confronted him about it, asked him why. He just shrugged… SHRUGGED!
You snooze you lose. You snooze you lose. You snooze you lose. You snooze you lose.
Caleb… how could you?
He’s moving here. It should be me.
The next twenty or so pages are all about us. I daren’t read on. It’s painful to see this side of Caleb and to see Nathan’s hurt.
I pick up the next book, once I make it through the first, and the first page grips my heart in a steel hand of hurt and squeezes.
She’s pregnant. He did what he promised he wouldn’t do. He didn’t get bored.
I hit him.
I saw the way she looked at me. I thought she’d be horrified that I hit Caleb. She only seemed shocked and curious.
I know I shouldn’t think this, but she’s still beautiful. Even more so than she was two years ago. I should be disgusted that she’s been with Caleb. I should be revolted.
Yet I only want to take her away.
I felt lost.
I felt alone.
I felt defeated.
Pages turn and my eyes blur. There’s a picture of me taken with a Polaroid. I’m curled up into a ball on the couch, my eyes closed and my hair fanning out above my head.
I came home and she was asleep on the couch. I should have woken her.
I couldn’t. She looked too peaceful. It’s the first time since his death that she’s looked peaceful.
I carried her to bed, she smelled divine. Like honey and almonds. The way she wrapped her arms around me and pressed her forehead to my neck.
It’s wrong, but I’ve never walked so slow in my life. I didn’t want it to end.
Why does she make me feel like this?
I felt confused.
I felt happy.
I felt protective.
I felt aroused?!?!
Day after day, after day, after day… I read and read and read. My eyes burn, my nose tingles, my chest aches…there’s just so much. Too much. I don’t know how much more I can take.
I threw her suitcase today. I wouldn’t let her go.
I’m in love with her.
I remember that day well. I can’t believe he was in love with me already.
She’ll never accept me. I don’t care about her reservations. I understood why she wouldn’t marry me but I know she loves me. I just know it.
I should leave her alone but I can’t.
……..
She knows. She knows everything about me. I can’t handle the pity in her eyes. What if she thinks I’ll become a monster too? What if she takes Dillan from me?
Dillan… he should be mine.
I pushed her away and now she’s gone.
I never want to see her again.
I can’t handle never seeing her again.
Why couldn’t she stay out of my room?
Why did she have to see?
What if she tells someone?
I feel scared.
I feel scared… his words echo through my mind like I’m hearing him read this to me, like I’m hearing him tell me his story.
All of the others he ended with ‘I felt…’ never ‘I feel….’ It breaks my heart.
I place the journal down on the bed and rub my eyes.
Only one more to go and then I have to leave. It’s almost four.
My eyes start drifting as I read. My head is hurting, but I can’t stop.
I had Dillan today. Does he see me as his father?
I hope he does.
I was going to talk to Gwen about it. I thought about telling her through the bathroom door a while ago. Mostly so I couldn’t see her reaction and then take the rejection with pride.
I remember worrying constantly that I’d resent him because of my brother.
I’ve never felt love so unconditionally for another person before. Not including Gwen. But this is different.
I remember that. I remember him calling to me when I was in the bathroom. I never did find out what he wanted to say. I guess now I know.
We had sex without a condom.
It was.
Words can’t describe it. Amazing, powerful, intense.
Love.
Freedom.
I should tell her about the pills. I should tell her they’re fakes.
But I see Dillan and I see everything I didn’t know I wanted.
Would it be so bad if she got pregnant?
I imagine her swollen with my child. Perhaps a girl.
I feel happy.
I feel carefree.
I feel fixed.
That’s something we decide together!
She knows everything. Everything.
I wouldn’t let her leave, I couldn’t.
She could be pregnant.
I want her to be, because then I might not lose her. Maybe she’ll marry me.
I need to show her that I care.
I need to show her that I’m sorry. I’ll make her breakfast. I have to do something. She wouldn’t let me touch her through the night. Even whilst she was sleeping.
I can’t lose her.
I feel fear.
Only one more page left. I daren’t read it. But I do.
She’s gone.
I haven’t cried since I was nine and now I can’t stop.
She knows about the pills. She knows.
She’ll terminate it. If she is.
And she won’t tell me.
How do I live with that?
I feel empty.
Tears spring to my eyes and fall down my cheeks. Guilt hits me in the chest and cramps every single muscle in my body until I’m curled into a ball.
I should have told him. I could still tell him.
He really does love me…
******
My chest is burning; I think I’m getting sick. I try to inhale a large breath, but all I can taste is ash and it feels like my throat is closing.
What’s that noise? It sounds like an alarm.