Standing outside his room, I press my ear to the door to check if Father Foster is on the other side. I’ve made it a point to avoid him whenever I visit Sol. When I hear nothing but silence, I reach for the doorknob, turn it, and peek in. The room is quiet, save for the soft snores coming from the bed.
Stepping inside, I shrug off my coat and hang it on the hook behind the door, then tiptoe to the bed. His chest rises and falls evenly, one hand lying relaxed at his side. The bruise on his jaw looks much better. His dark lashes cast shadows on his cheeks, making the circles around his eyes stand out even more.
Scooting into the chair next to the bed, I reach for his hand and cover it with mine. He doesn’t stir. Feeling braver, I weave my fingers with his and press my lips to the back of his warm hand, the contact raising goose bumps on my skin. Even asleep, he manages to affect me.
I open my mouth to tell him again how sorry I am for the pain I’ve caused him. I’m starting to feel like a broken record.
Instead, I frame his cheek in my palm, then trace his nose with the tip of my finger, careful not to wake him. God, I love him. I love touching him.
What about Levi? Did I love him too? Do I even know what love is?
Pinching my eyes shut, I let those words roll around in my head, guilt cutting through me like a well-wielded sword. Can someone love one person with the same depth as they love another? Does love have rules? Was Gage right about Sol and Levi being in my life for a reason? Because yes, I love both boys. But sitting here next to Sol, I feel it, the magnetic pull that causes the fine hairs on my arms to rise. He’s seared into my very essence.
I shake my head and peel my eyes open with a sigh. Staring at Sol, I feel my heart thump a little harder and a smile hitch one side of my mouth. As if he senses my turmoil, his fingers twitch, tightening around mine. He’s still snoring softly, though. That’s the thing about Sol; he always has the ability to read me or sense when I am around. It’s like he and I are connected on a different level.
I sweep back the loose strands of hair on his forehead and smile. “You look so peaceful,” I whisper, my gaze dropping to his slightly parted lips. Such a beautiful mouth. “Let me tell you a story about how the sinner fell in love with the saint. How the stars shone for them. The sinner corrupted him, and the saint saved her. Together, they were a force of nature—like the tide during a full moon. Apart, they were lost, stumbling around in the dark,” I whisper.
Everything was stacked against us, but it didn’t stop us from falling hard. Irrevocably.
How stupid I’d been to think that Sol wouldn’t come back for me. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt.
“Little did they know that years later,” I continue, “the kind of love they felt for each other would shake them to the core. The sinner couldn’t help herself even though she knew that the saint would never belong to her. But she risked her heart just to have one night, one summer with him. Just to feel what it was like to be loved with reckless abandon. Something she has craved with all her heart.”
I take a deep breath. “But let me tell you something, Sol. I don’t regret us. I won’t. Ever. My only regret is that I hurt people, good people who didn’t deserve it.”
Bending down, I press my lips to his stubbled cheek, and his breathing stutters as goose bumps pop on his cheek and down his neck.
Not wanting to push my luck in case Sol’s uncle drops by, I pull back and grab my purse, but a husky, “Don’t go,” freezes me in my spot.
I face him only to find Sol watching me intently with heavily hooded eyes. He murmurs, “Stay.”
“Hey.” I smile, adjusting the purse strap on my shoulder. His smile is slow as he says, “Hey, you,” then it leisurely turns into a smirk. A sexy-as-hell smirk like he knows something I don’t. Why does he look so pleased with himself? I’m about to ask him when I remember the things I said while he was sleeping. Or pretending to be asleep.
My cheeks heat, and I blurt, “How long have you been awake?”
“Not long.” His gaze roves over my face, eyebrows slightly furrowed. “Are you feeling better?”
I nod, warmth filling my chest at his concern. “Yes. No headaches. So you, um, heard what I said?”
“A saint, huh?” He laughs, but there’s no warmth in that sound. “I’m not even close to being a saint, Gracie.”
“I corrupted you, remember?”
He shakes his head again. The smirk is gone now. He bites his bottom lip thoughtfully, his gaze going soft. “You’d do it all over again?”
“I would.” I swallow, my pulse thudding in my ears as the truth beats in my chest like a hummingbird. “I hope you know how much I regret hurting you and Levi. If only I’d—”
“I know,” he cuts me off, reaching for my hand. I hang my purse on the back of the chair next to his bed and link my fingers with his. “I’m an ass for making you doubt how much I love you by not choosing you.”
“I get it. I really do.”
““No, Gracie, I need you to understand this. What we had, what we did . . . I wanted that. It was my decision. You didn’t force that on me, and you didn’t corrupt me. All my life, I thought I was following the path God wanted for me, but I know now that He brought you into my life to wake me up; to clear the path, like rain on a dusty day.
“My mom used to tell me that the darker the clouds, the heavier their burden. Only when the clouds let go of all that was weighing them down are they able to move on and clear the way for the sun to shine.
“I was that dark cloud, Gracie. It took me a long time to come to terms with my actions, but it wasn’t ever because I regretted you or us; it was because I was afraid of the unknown. But Gracie, I’d never been more eager to drive into something so blindly. You weren’t just the rain; you were the fucking storm, and when we collided and let go, we shone so bright we lit up the entire universe.”
My entire body goes still at Sol’s confession. His words stirring something in my heart, something deep and soul binding. He’s hitting me in places I didn’t even think existed. My eyes well up with unshed tears, and my lips quiver with emotion. How is it possible for me to love him more than I already do? In any lifetime, in any universe, I will want him. I will always choose him. I know that now.
He brings my hand to his lips, kissing it, then looks up at me. “Energy that powerful is dangerous if it’s not handled with care. We didn’t handle our love with care.”
I sniffle, shaking my head. “No, we didn’t,” I whisper.
I sigh. Walking down memory lane makes my chest ache with pain and nostalgia, so I smoothly change the topic. “I didn’t mean to just sit there and watch you sleep like a creep.”
He flashes me a smile. “Oh, I don’t mind at all.”
“Really? So you don’t mind me going all Eddie Menuek on you?”
His brows crease in confusion. “Eddie who?”
“That guy on Friends who moves in with Chandler. Then one night Chandler wakes up to find Eddie watching him sleep.”
“You’ve lost me.”
“You’ve never watched Friends?”
He shakes his head.
I shake mine in return, and tease, “How am I even friends with you?”