Soul searching took the form of helping a four—“I’m nearly five!”—year-old with his breakfast and then detaching said nearly-five-year-old from his leg over and over while explaining that Brian wasn’t his new uncle and that JC still had to go to kindy. Teresa finally got a pouting boy into his car seat and headed off. Leaving Brian alone. Which was what he wanted.
Except now that he had it, he wasn’t sure what to do with it. If he was brutally honest, he really just wanted to go home and kiss Andrew and forget everything else. But that was impossible now. Every time he tried to sleep, all he could see was the utter betrayal on Troy’s face and hear the painfully accusatory, “You are gay?” on repeat. And it was a question he couldn’t answer.
He also didn’t know just how he was going to sort himself out.
Brian moped and got frustrated, then tired, then angry, and finally, desperate. Sean answered on the second ring.
“Hey, ladybug. Sorry to hear you’re sick.”
The teasing name made him smile. A teeny, tiny bit. “Thanks. Um, I’m not really sick, though.”
Sean’s voice got low and secretive. “Ooh. I won’t tell anyone. Mental health day?”
“Sort of. I think I need to talk to someone about . . . stuff. Are you free tonight?”
“Shit, I’m sorry. The fiancé is taking me out to dinner for our anniversary. First time we banged. I’m free tomorrow. Is that okay or too late?”
“It’s fine.” They organised to meet at a coffee shop after Sean finished work, which was thankfully just after lunch.
Speaking with Sean had reminded him about the other advice the guy had given him and Brian thought maybe following it on his own, without Andrew, might answer some questions.
In the locked up house, in the spare bedroom with the door closed, Brian watched gay porn.
He’d loved watching it with Andrew, laughing as Andrew initially blushed and pretended to not be as affected as he really was. It was even better when Andrew got into it and transferred those hot and heavy hands to Brian, or when he got so worked up he would beg Brian to touch him, suck him, kiss him. Brian had gotten off on it, too, his dick responding to the vision of generally very fit men being aroused and the obvious pleasure they experienced with another man. But Brian had to wonder if he’d really been reacting to that because it called to something inside him, or because it meant Andrew would get so horny he did to Brian whatever Brian wanted. He hoped watching it on his own would answer that question.
Starting one of their favourite videos, Brian clasped his hands behind his head and watched as the guys chatted before getting down to it. It was a professional shoot, which Sean had warned them away from, but the chemistry between the men had caught Brian’s eye the moment it started so they’d kept watching. The guys were into each other. As they talked about what they liked about the other man, it was clear in the way they looked at each other, and when they kissed and touched, it was like they couldn’t get enough of it. That had turned Brian on well before the pants came off and dicks came into play. The same happened now and Brian’s body responded to the visible chemistry between them. He palmed his cock as shirts came off and felt a definite kick in his own flesh at the sight of firm pecs, defined abs and the way they so very clearly connected. By the time they were naked and dicks were in mouths, Brian was hard and unfastening his jeans to get his hand directly on himself. The guys on the screen lasted longer than Brian did and he spent the final ten minutes of their video panting and cleaning himself up.
Despite the evidence staining his shirt, Brian still wasn’t sure it answered anything. He had thought about Andrew while watching and wanking. Thought about how when they’d first watched it together Andrew had absolutely devoured Brian afterwards, sucking and kissing and licking and holding their cocks together as they thrust into his hand.
Flicking through more clips, Brian settled on one he and Andrew had never watched. Two young guys, not ripped like the professionals, and already into it when the footage started. And Brian got hot and restless the moment he saw them looking into each other’s eyes as they fucked. They meant something to each other, something more than physical. The sex was erotic not because they had hot bodies or could fuck in interesting positions, but because they were there for each other, not just getting off.
To round out his options, Brian found a hetero scene between a real couple. He only got a semi and didn’t come, but nothing in the video wasn’t to his liking—and his appreciation had only increased now he paid close attention to the guy as well as the woman.
Tired after two orgasms and a big life realisation, Brian wiped his browser history, showered and crawled back into bed. He slept deeply until Teresa and JC came home and he went out to keep the kid occupied while Teresa did some stuff around the house.
Carly messaged him the next morning. ‘Are you okay?’
It took Brian a long time to decide if he wanted to answer and finally sent, ‘I’m fine.’ He wanted to ask what was happening with James, Troy, and Elle, but didn’t want to at the same time. After ten or so minutes, Carly replied.
‘I’m glad. Let me know if you need anything.’ A couple of minutes after that, ‘I miss you.’
‘Miss you too,’ he sent back without hesitation. Brian and Carly had always been close and the fact she wasn’t freezing him out entirely eased some of the ache in his heart.
‘Do you want to talk?’
Yes. God, yes, he wanted to talk, but at the same time, couldn’t. Not to Carly, not to any of them. Not yet.
‘Thanks,’ he sent. ‘Can’t talk about it yet. I’ll let you know.’
It was several minutes before she responded. ‘I’m here for you. You probably don’t want to know but Troy feels rotten. He’s not talking to James, barely talks to me. The wedding’s off. I hate that we’re all hurting and broken.’
Brian tried to tell himself that she didn’t mean it that way, but her message was a knife in his stomach. She wasn’t blaming him for the wedding being cancelled or her twin’s distress. For breaking them all apart. She wasn’t, he knew that in his head, but he still felt in his chest as if she were. So he let Carly’s next couple of messages go unanswered and she stopped sending them.
That afternoon, he got an Uber to Southport and met Sean at a vegan café.
“You’re vegan?” Brian asked.
“No.” Sean pulled a face. “A friend works here, that’s all. I get a discount on their coffee.”
Coffees and a couple of cookies each in hand, they sat at a corner table, tucked away from most of the other customers.
“You sounded a bit desperate yesterday. What’s up?” Sean asked softly.
Fortified by a sip of surprisingly good coffee, Brian told him everything. Sean was suitably furious about him being outed.
“Oh, ladybug.” Sean squeezed Brian’s hand. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. The whole process is traumatic enough, even doing it on your own terms in a safe place.”
“I was so proud of Andrew when he came out to our friends. We knew, mostly, that it was going to be okay, but he was still scared. He did it, though, and I thought ‘I’m going to be that brave one day.’ And now . . .” He dropped his head onto the table. “I don’t even know what to come out as. I wanted to wait until I know if I’m bi or gay, or whatever. Can’t do that now and I want to be able to tell them what I am when I go back and rip them all new ones for what happened.”