“I love that idea.” Sean stroked the back of his head. “I get why it’s important for you to decide on a specific label and I’m here to help, but you know it’s not one hundred percent required in order to live a happy life, don’t you?”
Brian nodded, but that only rolled his forehead across the cool tabletop, so he sat up. “Yes. And believe me, I’ve been incredibly happy and willing to do that up to now. Andrew’s been patient and amazing and I know he doesn’t care. But I want to be able to go out with him properly, you know? We went on a date a couple of weeks back and it was no different to when we went out to dinner before, except that it was. Before, we were just friends eating together. That time, we were two people in love and I felt different and I wanted everyone around us to know it was different and I just said I love him and I didn’t mean to. I haven’t even told him yet. I was going to after the bach party, but then . . .”
Apart from the twist of anxiety that he’d just blurted that out to Sean and not Andrew, it was also a weight off Brian’s chest. He did love Andrew, but as Andrew had said, it had taken a while to realise it because it had simply always been there.
Sean looked like he was about to burst into song, but he pressed a hand to his mouth until he calmed down. “That was lovely. And yeah, it should have been in front of Andrew not me, but it’s okay. You don’t only get to say it once, you know.”
Wishing for a blanket to hide under, Brian sighed. “I know. I just hope he still wants to hear it when I go crawling back to him.”
“He will, ladybug. I know he will.” Sean titled his head and studied him for a moment. “You said you’ve been in two fairly longish relationships with women, but don’t think you ever loved them. Why did you stay with them for so long?”
“I really liked spending time with them. We got on really well, had loads of fun, liked the same things. And, well, the sex was good.”
“Sooo, friends with benefits, basically.”
Which was, apparently, what Elle had said. “Yeah, I guess.”
“But you love Andrew.”
“Yes.” Brian was counting up the number of times he said it to Sean so he could make sure he said it more times to Andrew when he saw him again. “For longer than we’ve been sexing each other.”
Sean rolled his eyes. “You’re so romantic. But that’s sort of my point.”
“You mean I’m only romantic with Andrew, not Simone or Lena.” Brian frowned. “I’m homoromantic?” He’d enjoyed his gender and sexuality class at uni and was grateful now for the extra reading he’d done.
“If that feels right for you.” Sean smiled like a proud parent.
“Homoromantic,” Brian said, to try it out again. It did feel right. “This is good. I feel better already.”
“Marvellous. So, sexuality. What are your thoughts?”
This was the big thing, the one Brian had been dragging his feet about for so long, he felt like a dick now for not exploring it properly sooner. His solo porn experiment the day before had definitely helped, showing him that he was intensely turned on by the idea of two guys fucking, and that he was still attracted to women physically. Accepting that he was more homoromantic than heteroromantic answered a lot of his doubts as well.
“Bi.” There was no hesitation, no wondering if it was just the easy answer, a catchall explanation. “I’m still attracted to women but I’m so very and undeniably hot for Andrew it gets embarrassing, even in public places. I’m not sure about men in general, though.” Lowering his voice, he explained. “I watched some gay porn on my own yesterday and got off to both videos, but I don’t know if it’s because I liked what I was seeing, or because of how much I love it when Andrew and I do that stuff together.”
“I get that. Porn is better when you can relate to it with a personal experience. Being with Andrew doesn’t make you more gay than bi, either. Just remember that. And it’s not like anyone is chiselling this in stone. You may learn more about who you’re attracted to as you get older and it might change your perspective. If you need an emotional connection to the person before you feel attracted to them, you’re probably a bit demi as well.”
“Yeah. Yeah, maybe that. Probably that, too.”
“See, it’s never one or the other. It’s shades of grey. Which, sure, makes coming out harder. It’s one thing to say hey, I’m bi, and another thing entirely to say hey, I’m bi and demi and homoromantic. If your family is anything like mine, you’d have to go in armed with Wikipedia, charts and a power-point just to explain bi.”
Laughing, Brian said, “I think I’ll stick with bi for everyone else and explain it all to Andrew in private.”
“Show it all to Andrew in private.” Sean wink-wink-nudge-nudged.
They finished their drinks and cookies while they discussed a few other areas of sexuality. When they walked out of the café, Brian felt a thousand times more confident and settled.
“How are you getting home?” Sean asked as Brian pulled out his phone to get an Uber.
Brian showed him the app he was about to open when his phone buzzed with an incoming call. The number wasn’t one he knew.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Is this Brian Stagliano?” a woman calmly asked.
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“Hi, I’m Marie. I work with McGregor Construction and we have you down as Andrew Fitzroy’s emergency contact. Is that correct?”
Brian’s stomach dropped and his knees buckled. Vaguely aware of Sean catching him, Brian whispered, “Yeah, that’s right. What’s wrong?”
“I’m very sorry to inform you, Mr. Stagliano, but Andrew’s been involved in an accident. He’s on his way to the uni hospital by ambulance right now.”
Elle wasn’t very coherent most of Sunday, babbling about how James was being a dickhead and wouldn’t listen to reason. There was something about James saying she was still in love with Andrew and that, he guessed, was what sparked her into telling James the wedding was off. He let her cry herself out in his arms, put her to bed in Brian’s room and messaged Carly to let her know where Elle was. He didn’t think him telling James would go down too well, considering everything else.
Monday he called in sick and coaxed Elle out of bed and downstairs with a full cooked breakfast. She packed away the bacon, sausage and eggs, muttering around a full mouth about how she didn’t have to fit into the extra slinky wedding dress anymore.
“I know you weren’t cheating on me,” Elle said when the food was pretty much all gone. “I tried to tell James that but he didn’t want to listen. You know how he gets when he decides something. He’s a stubborn arsehole.”
Andrew sighed. “Maybe he was right. Emotionally.”
Elle threw the end of a sausage at his head. “Pfft. I don’t think either of us were wholly emotionally committed to each other towards the end.” Her voice wavered, however.
Ever the keen hunter, Archy pounced on the bit of meat when Andrew missed catching it. Too tired to wrestle the processed food away from the cat, Andrew said, “I did love you. Still do, just not romantically.”