Mum sucked in a deep nasal breath and then released it quickly, “lovely.” She didn’t push any further. After renouncing the impending baby the whole family was disappointed but at some point I think my mother and father recognised that I was their priority and helping me through the grieving process, rather than fighting for the baby was paramount. Jemma’s parents weren’t as involved in our lives as my own and so they knew we were having fertility issues but not the lengths we were going to in order to alleviate them. She didn’t want people knowing until the baby was safely home with us, didn’t dare to dream it would be a reality.
It never was.
“Have you seen her?” Dad asked, nonchalant but side-eyeing mum. They didn’t yet have any grandchildren and Ivy was their first, albeit a little unconventionally.
“Yes,” I nodded, unable to meet either of their eyes. “She looks like me.”
At that my mum lost it, covered her face with her napkin and tried her best to suppress tears. They felt Jemma’s loss as much as I did, she was a part of our family and from day one she was with us, she stayed with us in holidays, she became my mum’s third daughter. I doubted we would all recover from her death, we would just learn to live with it.
Mum looked up from the napkin, “will you ... will you see her again?” she asked tentatively, her eyes glassy with tears.
“Yes,” I nodded with a smile and took a sip of my water, “I hope so.”
Chapter 11 - Six Months Old
Penny
I WAITED AT THE park bench that we had agreed to meet at. Now Ivy was getting bigger she liked to face outwards when we went out. She liked to see people and her surroundings and reach out to touch things, but Gail was right she was getting heavy. I saw him approach and my heart started to hammer with fear, fear of what he would say or want to do. He strode confidently over to the bench, giving me a quick wave as he did and a shy smile. He looked a lot better than the first time I’d seen him, clean shaven, his hair actually styled and he looked smart in his blue coat that was probably designer, his dark jeans and trainers.
“Hi,” he sat down next to me and Ivy’s head swivelled to see him, she smiled and he smiled at her. He felt large next to me, that was part of the intimidation, I suppose I was always the small one but with him it felt like he was more powerful than I could ever be.
“Hi,” I added nervously. “Look,” I turned to face him and with me, Ivy did too. He was distracted by taking her hands and making her smile. “Matthew...” I began.
“Matt,” he corrected me with a nod and met my eye.
“Matt,” I swallowed hard, “I um ... before we start whatever this is I want to be clear that although it wasn’t intended this way I am Ivy’s mother and I will not be changing that and I ...” he watched as I spoke and showed no sign of interrupting, his mouth closed and eyes narrowed with interest, “I am a good person, I don’t have much and I may have seemed to you to be some sort of gold digger but I genuinely wanted to help Jemma and you and I needed the money yes, I had plans but ...” my voice trailed off, “I can still do those things and I am a good mum and I am not ...” I hesitated, “the low life you seem to think I am.”
He nodded and inhaled a breath, covering his face quickly, “I said some shit back at the beginning that was uncalled for, I know you did this to help us and this was far from your plan and the words I used, the names I called you ... I’m sorry.” He finished simply. “I know this is weird but I would like to get to know Ivy and I know my parents would.”
I visibly inhaled at his words and he noticed my panic.
“My parents in slower time,” he added and I relaxed.
“I think we should do supervised visits between us for now until she’s used to you,” I nodded.
“Thank you,” he said quickly.
“And Matt ...” I began, “I know you think I should have considered adoption but for me that wasn’t an option.” I nodded quickly and he noted the stern look on my face.
“I’m glad,” he grinned and it was easy to see where Ivy got her adorable smiles from. “Because if not I’d have lost her.”
“Do you want to hold her?” I asked as his eyes moved down to the wriggling baby who sat between us, “she can sit up now.”
“Yeah,” he nodded eagerly, “wow, well done Ivy.” He said as I eased her out of the carrier and revealed her in her pink snowsuit. She looked back to me when I passed her over.
“It’s fine baby girl,” I cooed to her as he settled her onto his lap. “This is your daddy.” I said to her softly and she reached out and placed a gloved hand on my lips as I pursed them out for her to blow kisses of comfort as Matt held her as close as was possible with all our layers in the cool February day.
“I’m your daddy Ivy,” he rumbled over the top of her head, “and I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL, I’ve been dealing with some stuff but we’re gonna make this work.” He gave me a quick smile and I tried my best at providing a reassuring one back. Inside my heart was aching with terror and I had no idea who this guy was really, Jemma was the person I knew. I had to trust her judgement though, if she loved this guy then he must be a good person, he must be good enough to be Ivy’s dad. He was the only one she was going to get but I would be wary, wary until he proved me otherwise.
He turned her to face him and lifted her up, making silly noises and she laughed as she bounced through the air. Already he was more fun than me and we were on day one.
I tried to calm my fears as she reached out to touch his face with her little gloved hands.
I wanted to grab her back and scream that she was mine but who was that any good for? Only me, not them. Only me. As the girl that no one loved I realised the importance of having people, and really I should be glad that already my girl would have more people than I’d had.
Chapter 12 – Matthew
I COULD SEE THE concern on Penelope’s face. I saw that she thought I was going to try and take this baby away and who could blame her? She wasn’t part of the original plan but things had drastically changed. My feelings over Ivy began to change when my parents had held an intervention a couple of months ago to address the drinking and they forced me to take some time off work, dad slipped back into the role of MD and I saw a counsellor. I took my time to try and deal with losing Jemma as well and weaning myself off the alcohol.
We’d been together the majority of our lives and she was so far embedded into me that I felt lost without her. The house missed her neat freakishness and I barely slept unless something helped me, because she had always been there. My sweet, little Scottish girl who had a fiery temper when provoked and the biggest heart anyone could have wished for. Our final years had been tarnished by something that we could never have envisaged but I remembered the years before. I recalled it all every time I closed my eyes.
I hadn’t just lost my wife, I’d lost my life and the future we had planned together. She was the natural leader and so everything reminded me of her. The new build we purchased from plan at her insistence, the bathroom tiles that she chose when I wanted grey and she wanted cream. The finishing touches that made our house a home, all just screamed her. It surrounded me, it consumed me and it constricted my airways.