Prologue
SHE’S TINY, SHE’S SO pink that it’s almost a red colour.
Her skin looks shockingly angry by its first few hours in the world’s atmosphere.
She’s so much smaller than I imagined. I’m sitting on the hospital bed, my legs stretched out as she lies sleeping between.
She’s mine ... by default.
I feel sorry for her for so many reasons because she only has me and for the choices I made that meant that it will only ever be the two of us.
I love her, more than I even thought possible but one day she may hate the decision I made to keep her.
She wasn’t supposed to be mine, she was always intended for someone else.
I don’t have a cot, I didn’t have a car seat until a day ago and my one-bedroom flat is not big enough for the both of us.
I gave birth alone with my midwife by my side and when she handed me the little girl, I cried and maybe she assumed it was tears of joy but I cried because I have to make this work and I have no idea how.
I haven’t yet given the baby a name, they just keep calling her baby Strauss. They are pushing me to name her, pushing for me to breastfeed her, pushing me to bond with her.
I just stare at her ... she was never supposed to be mine.
I was her birth mother, her surrogate.
I have no idea how I now become her mum.
Chapter 1 - Two Months Old
Penny
I NAMED HER IVY Rose Luna Strauss. My boss, Gail, laughed when she heard the names.
“Jesus, way to give the girl a moniker that’ll take as long to write as any goddamned form she’s filling out.” She laughed, sweeping her index finger along Ivy’s cheek as she slept strapped to my chest in her baby carrier.
“I couldn’t think of just one name,” I sighed. “I liked them all and I felt under pressure to choose.”
“I suppose most people have nine months to decide,” she gave me a knowing glare. Gail had known me since I was twelve years old, she’d been my dance teacher and hired me as a teacher myself once I finished school. I’d kept dancing as long as I could throughout the pregnancy but the last couple of months the bump had got in the way.
“At least they’re all short names,” I said with a smile and she nodded. We were stood in the corridor of Gail’s dance studio, it was Saturday morning and the longest day of lessons was about to start. Gail rented part of a converted space underneath a railway bridge, it sounded weird but it was lofty and spacious and had room for four practice rooms, with a small kitchen and bathroom at the back of the place. Also over the largest room at the front there was a mezzanine which came in handy for dress rehearsals.
Gail was tall, willowy and had been a professional ballet dancer in her teens and early twenties, having travelled the world. Now she was almost fifty but looked a lot younger, she had short, cropped, dark hair and pure, white alabaster skin that did not leave the house on a sunny day without factor fifty. She was married to Jim, a journalist, and had a daughter, Eden.
“Penny,” she crossed her arms over her non-existent chest. “How are you managing?” her brown eyes turned soft and she dipped to see Ivy again, the little hellion was still asleep and looking so cute and innocent. “I’m sorry I haven’t been round as much as ...”
“It’s fine,” I cut her off, “you know I’m fine.” I snapped and straightened my back a little as she swept her eyes over the determined look on my face.
“I know,” she swallowed any emotional outburst that was about to wash over us and instead narrowed her lips. “So we’ve agreed the schedule, Eden will watch her for your first class, Serena for the second and then we’ll see how we manage from eleven onwards.”
“Great,” I nodded. “Thanks.” Just then Ivy stirred and her dark, blue eyes opened and roamed the corridor sleepily. “I better feed her.” I said with a quick smile. I moved to walk past Gail to the back of the corridor to sit in the kitchen break area.
“You’re doing great, Penny.” She told me, “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks Gail,” I added with more emotion in my voice than I wanted.
Bloody hormones.
Chapter 2 – Matthew
THE ALARM BLARED BY my side. It was telling me to get the hell up and I was snoozing the damned thing again. I was the boss so I could afford to be late but looking like shit every day and rolling in smelling of stale alcohol was probably not a great quality for their leader.
I ran my dad’s printing business since he’d retired two years ago, he was still involved and made surprise guest appearances a lot but the running of the place was now down to me. We did a lot of our business online these days but still had a small factory and there were almost a hundred employees who kept us ticking over. Larsons had been a staple in Harrow, London for three generations and my dad had kept it going and transforming through the digital age.
I was letting him down at the moment.
I dragged myself out of bed, the fitted bed sheet kept rolling off the corner of the damned king sized thing and I had no idea when I’d last changed the sheets. I stepped over discarded clothes to make my way to the en suite bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I looked like hell. I was living in hell.
My brown hair stuck out at all angles, my dark, blue eyes were dilated and bloodshot and the scruff of my beard was getting out of control. I didn’t have the energy to deal with it, instead I walked to the shower, started the water and went back to the sink to splash my face with cold water again before I stepped inside. I had always taken pride in my appearance, I used to workout five or six nights a week and we used to only drink alcohol on weekends. In our twenties we had eaten rubbish and drank all the beer. In our thirties we were health conscious and tried everything we could to be healthy. We had goals, we had dreams and now she was gone.
I was thirty-six and a widower.
I hadn’t even heard that word before, it was a strange one. Of course I knew the term widow but I guess I didn’t realise there was a word for the male version.
I sighed and smelled the stale alcohol which proved how much I’d been drinking. I pushed myself into the shower. The towel was still damp from the day before, at least I was showering daily, that was an improvement. I had no idea how often towels should get changed ... she used to do all that.
Jemma.
My wife.
She died four months ago, car crash. It was late, she’d been to dinner with friends and a drunk driver took her out. She died at the scene.
I was running out of clean clothes, my house was a shit tip and I was living the life of some disgusting bachelor who partied too hard and didn’t remember many hours of the day. Except the party was private and I was ultimately alone.
Chapter 3 – The Father
Penny
“YOU NEED HELP,” GAIL sighed as we sipped tea with Eden and the other teacher, Serena after a busy day of dancing classes.
“I’m fine,” I swatted the air as Ivy greedily clung to my breast with her rosebud lips and my feet throbbed from being on them all day. My body was only just returning to normal and yet I was pushing it to its old limits.
“You need more money than this place can pay and babies are expensive.” Gail clicked her tongue and Serena nodded her agreement.