When you think something isn’t possible, it’s easy to tell yourself that you don’t want it or need it.
I knew Seph before I knew Leena, but even though Leena and I split up a while ago, I haven’t had any contact with Seph. Though she hasn’t expressed the vitriol toward me that some of Leena’s other friends have. That alone gives me hope.
Thinking about Seph gives me more energy than I have any right to this early in the morning, and I need to do something with it or I’m going to be antsy all day. I don’t have time for a run, so I have to make do.
I start with the pushups, not bothering to count. I just go until my arms start to burn. The same with sit-ups. I brought a medicine ball with me in my bag and I use that for extensions, starting to work up a sweat. The clock tells me I have five more minutes, so I break out the jumping rope and push myself until my lungs are on fire.
I let myself take a breath, thankful that I took the edge off. If I have to do more later I will, though thoughts of Seph still have me wishing that there was another way that I was burning off energy.
The coffee maker beeps, and I pour myself a cup. First real day on the job, and there’s going to be a lot to do. I sit down at the desk in my cabin and flip open the schedule for today in the binder that’s going to be my bible for the summer. As much as I want to think about Seph at all times—and will have a hard time stopping myself from doing just that—I still have a job to do.
And part of that job is knowing the schedule of activities for the day so I can oversee them. Thankfully I won’t have to directly run too many of them, but I need to know exactly what’s happening so I can make sure the staff are properly in place and the equipment is ready.
My cell phone rings where it’s still plugged in next to the bed. Dread pools in the pit of my stomach. It’s early enough that anyone calling me might have an emergency. But my pulse smooths out when I see my dad’s name on the screen.
“I could have been sleeping,” I say by way of hello.
His voice is gravelly, and the chuckle grates across the line. “But you’re not.”
“No. Couldn’t sleep.”
“Excited for your first full day?” he asks.
I take a breath, pushing back a new thought about Seph. Probably not the best time to mention that. “Something like that.”
There’s a heavy silence before my dad speaks again. “I just wanted to check in with you before you started.”
“Everything is fine.” I flip the book shut. “I promise. I’ve got it covered.”
“I’m sorry that I had to ask you to do this. I know it’s not what you wanted—”
I cut him off. “We’ve been through this, Dad. It’s fine. Don’t apologize to me. It’s not exactly something to feel guilty about. And besides, I’m finding myself optimistic about the summer.”
“Oh?” He coughs for a second, but I can tell he’s curious. “Why? What changed?”
I wasn’t exactly shy with the fact that I didn’t love the idea of being here. “I’ll keep you posted.”
He laughs again. “Fair enough. But if you need me, you know that I’m just a phone call away.”
“Thanks, Dad. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I need to do the rounds.”
“Get on that,” he laughs.
We say our goodbyes and hang up. I didn’t lie. I need to walk the campground and make sure all the equipment is where it’s meant to be. And I think it will be good to be up and about before the rest of the camp. The rare moments of silence in the couple of months that are bound to be filled with noise.
The sun is peeking over the horizon. Even though the trees and mountains are obscuring it, the early morning sky is painted with streaks of pink light. It’s peaceful, and already warm. Mist floats across the surface of the lake. It’s perfectly smooth, the only ripples coming from a pair of ducks making their way across.
If it’s this warm already, it’s going to be boiling by mid-morning. An even better reason to get the rounds done early. As I’m rounding the lake to head over to the tennis and dodgeball courts, I’m stopped by a vision.
Or at least what my head is telling me is a vision, because it’s exactly what it would have come up with. Seph is on the shore of the lake, lit up with a beam of sunrise like a dream. The sun sets her hair on fire, and her skin is glowing like she’s a saint in a Renaissance painting. And as if that wasn’t enough to make my body react to her, she’s doing yoga.
A group of her campers are there with her, following along on yoga mats, but I only have eyes for her. She’s wearing a thin t-shirt and the shortest little shorts I’ve ever seen that show off lean legs and an ass that I’m pretty sure I dreamed about last night. Fucking hell.
Let’s not even start on the fact that she was able to get a group of teenagers up before the sun to exercise. This woman is amazing, and I can’t stop staring at her. I release an invisible plea to the universe that I can find a way to reach her again. That everything that I’ve done and that she’s done and that life has thrown at us won’t keep us apart. Because I feel in my gut that I’ve been waiting for this for too damn long.
My feet carry me forward toward their group without a conscious choice, and I can’t take my eyes off Seph as she leans into the stretch. It’s not a dirty position, but oh it gives me dirty thoughts, and I have to chant numbers in my head in order to keep my body under control. That’s the last thing I need in front of campers on the first real day.
One of them sees me, and laughs, which draws other eyes. I smile back, friendly, but I still only have eyes for Seph, who hasn’t noticed that I’m here. But she has noticed the laughter. “I know it’s early, but I promise we’re almost done.”
“I didn’t see sunrise yoga on the list of activities for the day.”
She startles, nearly losing her balance, but recovers and stands. I don’t miss the blush staining her cheeks. “It’s just my cabin,” she says quickly. “I hope that’s okay.”
“It’s more than okay,” I say. “I’m amazed you got them out of bed.” I make sure to say that last with a smile. I don’t want them to be offended, but I barely want to be up at this hour.
A couple of the girls are whispering, and one I remember from yesterday—Emily, I think—takes a step forward. “Will you be out here every morning? That might make getting up easier.”
There’s more laughter and nodding agreement, and Seph scrubs a hand across her face.
I clear my throat. “The rounds will be different every day. No guarantees.”
“Too bad,” another girl whispers, followed by giggles.
Okay, going to have to ignore that. I refocus my eyes on Seph. “I’m happy to add this to the schedule if you need anything set up for it.”
She shakes her head. “No, I’m fine, thank you.”
There’s nothing rude about the way she speaks, but her eyes slide past me and she seems…distant. It could be because I interrupted, but I think that it’s more than that.
“Let me know. I’d be happy to help.”
She smiles, but it’s flat. Almost plastic. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”