“I definitely want,” he squeaked out, his eyes round and searching, and there was that stitch in my chest again.
“But if this becomes too much for you or not something you want, I only ask that you be honest with me and we talk it through like adults.”
He grinned. “Deal.”
“Okay, good.” I tapped our lips together. “Now, how about that movie?”
23
Seth
“You sold your car?” Mom asked the second I answered the phone. My nerves were already shot. I should have ignored her call, but I knew her; she wouldn’t stop, and I didn’t want my phone ringing off the hook tonight.
“Yes.” There was no use denying it. I knew eventually she would find out. I was surprised it had taken this long. Mom’s hand was in everything I did.
“You didn’t think you should talk to me first?”
“Why? It’s my car. I bought it with money Dad left for me. I bought what you wanted and realized…I realized it’s not me, so I bought a car that is. I don’t see why you should have a say in what vehicle I drive.” My hands were shaking. I had never spoken to my mother like that in my life. I couldn’t believe I’d done it now, and my stomach flipped and dipped, nausea rolling around in there, but God, it was a car. My car. Why did it matter?
“What’s gotten into you? Is it that boy you let live with you? I’ve never liked that idea, and I’m still angry you tried to hide it from me. You never used to talk to me this way.”
I rolled my eyes. She had never met Jesse, but she hated him. She’d caught a glimpse of him in full makeup one day when we were FaceTiming, and that had been the end of that. She didn’t trust him. Everything was always his fault. “Jesse doesn’t even live with me anymore.”
There was another pause, and I could tell that while she liked that development, she wasn’t real fond of the fact that she hadn’t known. Mom wanted to be in on every decision I made—no, she wanted all my decisions to be hers.
“Good. He had no business being there in the first place, but that was a good car, Seth. It was safe. We’ve always driven—”
“You,” I cut her off. “It’s what you’ve always driven, which meant I always had to drive the same thing. Why does it matter if I have a BMW or not? It doesn’t make sense. Is it a way for you to control me? I can’t see why else it would matter.” The second the words left my mouth, guilt suffused me. “I’m sorry,” I said softly. A Mini wasn’t a Corvette like Dad drove or a helicopter he flew in, but to her, they were almost the same.
“No,” she said. “You’re not. You’ve apparently been holding that in for a long time. I’m sorry that I want what’s best for you, Seth. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
But she didn’t. She wanted to decide what was best for me.
“It’s a good car. I like it. I feel good in it. Like it fits me.” Please let that be enough. Just want me to be happy.
“Well, obviously you’ve already made a decision and don’t care how I feel about it. Now I have to continue worrying about you being on the other side of the country, people like that boy getting into your head, and you making rash decisions that will get you killed like your father. He was always throwing caution to the wind, and I just don’t want the same fate for you.”
No, she wanted me to do exactly what she said. She wanted me under her thumb, and to marry a nice girl, or if it was a boy, someone like Colton and not someone carefree like my dad had been. My being gay was something that was known but not discussed. She wanted me to keep myself closed off like she did because emotions got you hurt, or made you a free spirit like her parents, or have wild streaks like my father. I knew that was why she’d married my stepdad. Not for love, but because he thought like she did. Money was what mattered. Money was safe. “I know, Mom. I’ll be careful. I’m always careful.” I followed the rules. I lived how she wanted. Couldn’t I have this? And Jake. God, I wanted Jake. “I love y—”
She cut me off. “I need to go. I’ll talk to you later.” And hung up.
I sighed, shoving my phone into my pocket, just as there was a knock on my door. I smiled, knowing it was Jake, who was coming to pick me up for our date—hence my nerves, because even though we’d been…dating? I guess that was what we said the other day. I’d never been on an actual date before.
I pulled open the door. “Hey, you.” Jake leaned in, kissed me, then frowned. “What’s wrong?”
The fact that he noticed something was wrong, that he paid attention made butterflies flitter around in my belly. “I got into an argument with my mom. She found out about the car. I don’t want to think about it, though. I want to have fun with you tonight.”
“That’s what I’m talking about. I want to have fun with you too.” He reached inside and grabbed my bag. It was Sunday, and we were doing dinner and then going back to his place for the night. He was driving and would bring me home the next day. “You know,” he said as we walked out to his vehicle, “I want to say one thing: I’m proud of you, for buying your car and the cabinet. You should be proud of yourself too. You deserve to be who you are and want what you want. I like that person. He makes me feel good.”
My heart beat so fast, it felt like it was tripping and falling down a hill. “You make me feel good too,” I admitted. He made me feel like someone who could trade his car in and buy a stupid cabinet, and maybe, just maybe, could do even more.
“Good. Now only happy stuff for the rest of the night.”
He cupped my face and kissed me tenderly again before we got into the truck. We were going to a steakhouse—not a fancy one, that wasn’t either of our style. I hadn’t worn makeup because this was the first time we were going out like this, as a couple. I wasn’t sure if he planned to act like we were a couple; plus, I didn’t know how he would feel being out with a guy in makeup. This was all so new for Jake. I didn’t want to screw up.
We talked about random things, small things, as he drove us to the restaurant. When we went inside, he told the hostess, “Table for two, please.”
As she led us to a four-person booth near the center of the restaurant, I noticed she was pretty, with blonde hair and plump lips, and that she smiled at Jake in a way that said she thought him attractive, not that I could blame her. It made doubt shoot through me, though, made me wonder if he regretted being there with me.
“Okay, what is it?” Jake asked when we were seated.
“Nothing. Ignore me. Thinking about my mom still.”
“Are you okay to do this tonight? I don’t want—”
“No,” I rushed out. “I want to be here. How was work yesterday?”
We chatted, and I began to relax. Neither of us had alcohol. Jake drank a soda, and I had water. He ordered steak and a baked potato, and I got chicken. Jake was telling me how Bonnie called him, freaking out because she had a wasp in her apartment. We were laughing and having a good time, all my worries tucked safely away in the back of my head, when I heard, “Well, isn’t this a surprise?” and looked up to see Jesse, Dane, and Skylar, this dancer from the Playground. My heart immediately dropped.