Suddenly all the air got sucked out of my lungs, and it seemed as if the whole table beside me fell silent. I watched numbly as Seth greeted Bruce, then threw me a rigid smile.
Time seemed to stand still, then came rushing back in.
I reached for Seth’s hand like it was an anchor, and when I knotted our fingers together, the look of relief he gave me told me all I needed to know. It was exactly what I’d planned to do only a moment ago, so I supposed Mom’s pronouncement helped me along. I’d hoped to work up to my coming out one way or another.
“Wait, Jake is with Seth? Like, with him?” I heard Brett ask in a shocked tone, and I threw him a warning look over my shoulder, daring him to say something stupid.
“That’s right,” Tucker said, narrowing his eyes. “You don’t got a problem with that, do ya? I, for one, am happy for them.”
I heard Brett sputter out some muffled response as Bree and Mark murmured their agreement, and then I focused back in on my mom, who was explaining something to Bruce and Seth about the cookout they’d come from.
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Bruce said, leaning toward me.
“Have you now?” I replied stiffly, which was clearly the wrong tone to use. But I couldn’t seem to help myself. I had been Mom’s protector since childhood, and pretty much nobody would ever be good enough for her.
“Jacob,” Mom said, grasping my arm. She rarely used my full name, unless she was upset or about to give me a good kick in the ass, which I probably needed right then. “Help me check on the pasta salad.”
She yanked me toward the kitchen, and I followed willingly, but as soon as the sliding glass door shut behind us, I turned on her. “What the hell, Mom? Why didn’t you give me a heads-up?”
She folded her arms and gave me a pointed look. “I did. I asked to bring a friend.”
I threw up my hands. “You know what I mean.”
“Honey.” Her voice was smaller and shakier as she stepped toward me. “I wanted to experience this—whatever it is that Bruce and I are doing—on my own first.”
I balled my fists, trying to get ahold of myself. What in the fuck did that mean? How long had they been seeing each other?
“Isn’t that what you and Seth did?” She placed her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “I know it feels scary and you have certain expectations when it comes to your mother, but can you…” Her eyes pleaded with me. “Trust in me to make my own decisions. Please. It would mean the world to me.”
My breath whooshed right out of me. Well, fuck. I got it then. Really got it.
I was being a dick, and I needed to stop.
“Okay, I hear you.” I kissed her cheek. “I promise to do better.”
27
Seth
Jake was trying not to show it—he laughed in all the right places, and made conversation with people, including Bruce—but it was clear to me he was uncomfortable. I didn’t know if that was the right word for it. Maybe he was unsure? Confused? Whatever it was, it wasn’t the Jake I knew.
Since Bonnie had outed us, Jake had stayed close to me. He wasn’t overdoing it or touching me all the time, but there was a definite difference between now and then. At one point he had his arm around the back of the chair I sat in, and brushed his thumb back and forth over my nape as he spoke to Bonnie, Bruce, Tucker, Mark, and Bree. It was so natural, so relaxed, I wasn’t sure he even knew he was doing it. That thought made happiness fill my chest, settle into my bones. I’d never quite felt like other people, like everyone else. I was shy or quiet, insecure or unexperienced. But in those moments, I wasn’t. I was a new Seth, sitting there with my boyfriend, talking to our friends, and feeling comfortable, not needing extra care or being afraid of what I wanted.
It was perfect; well, except for the fact that I was worried about Jake.
Brett, I was still on the fence about. I’d catch him looking at us, dissecting us like he didn’t know what to think or wasn’t sure he really knew Jake. As if he was suddenly a different person. When our eyes would meet, though, I didn’t see anger there. I didn’t think he was hateful, just ignorant, and it felt like he was trying to work through that, or at least that he would want to.
Bonnie was smiling more than I’d ever seen, unless you counted our drunken slumber party, but that had been the alcohol. At one point Bruce wrapped an arm around her, leaned close, and whispered something in her ear, and I felt Jake tense up. But then Bonnie had giggled like a schoolgirl, and Jake had relaxed again. My poor bighearted boyfriend. I had a feeling there was a whole lot more going on inside that head of his than he ever let out.
A couple of hours later, people started leaving. Mark, Bree, and Hailey first, then others trailing after. Jake was saying goodbye to his friends when Jesse hugged and kissed me. “My little boy is growing up,” he teased, and I rolled my eyes.
Dane wrapped an arm around him and said, “Stop being a dork,” before telling me bye.
Bonnie and her friend—boyfriend? I wasn’t sure what to call him—were the last to leave. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” she said to Jake, who nodded before shaking Bruce’s hand.
“Oh, it makes me so happy to see the two of you together.” Bonnie hugged me.
“I like it too,” I replied, which was maybe a silly way to answer, but it was me.
When they were gone, Jake closed the door behind them and dropped his forehead against it. This day had been a lot for him. Not only had he been public with a boyfriend for the first time, but his mom had brought someone home too. “Jake.”
“I should start cleaning this mess up.” He went into the kitchen. I followed him, not sure what to do, what to say. This was all so different for me as well. All I knew was Jake gave me so much, I wanted to give him something in return, wanted to comfort him and be there for him the same way he always was with me.
He was standing at the sink, and I stepped behind him, wrapped my arms around him, and pressed my cheek against his back. “It’s okay to be confused or not to know how to feel. To be overwhelmed or worried or protective. Whatever it is you’re feeling, that’s okay.”
He sighed. “It’s stupid. I was already letting today get in my head and was angry at myself for that. Then Mom showed up with Bruce, and I… Christ, it twisted me up. And it shouldn’t. I know it shouldn’t. I’m a grown man. Why do I care if my mom dates someone? I want her to be happy, but then I worry about her, and it’s always been my job to be there for her, to protect her, but that doesn’t mean by not wanting her to have a life or move on. She’s a grown woman too and— Fuck. Sorry. I’m sure you don’t want to hear all that.”
“Hey…” I pulled back and turned him around. “Yes, I do. I want to hear whatever you need to say. That’s what a relationship is. It can’t only be you being there for me. It’s a two-way street.”
He closed his eyes, rubbed a hand over his face. “Argh. I’m being ridiculous. I’m fine. Today was nice…being with you.”
“Um, no. That’s not going to work. I’m not going to let you change the subject like that.” So many things were forming in my head, so many truths about Jake that I’d never let myself see. He was a caretaker by nature, which I knew, but until then I hadn’t realized he never let anyone take care of him. That he kept going and pushed through and thought about everyone else above himself. “You don’t have to do this alone anymore. It’s okay to let go, it’s okay to need people. No one can be strong all the time. It’ll break you to try.”